Contrary to what the public thinks, most people with a tough appearance are strong on the outside, while those who are gentle on the outside are stable on the inside. This is especially evident in the "sense of boundaries". The more gentle the person, the stronger the sense of boundaries.
Gentleness ≠ weakness. Gentleness, from the heart of the confidence.
The so-called confidence is the inner sense of security and the inner psychological strength. The more confident the heart, the more relaxed the person is. When a person is very sure that "he has enough ability to protect himself", he does not need to show his teeth and claws and take the initiative to attack, but will become gentle and calm. In the process of interpersonal communication, such a person has just the right sense of proportion, neither needs to suppress himself, nor does he need to be overly defensive, and in the process of getting along with others, he can leave enough space to show greater flexibility and retract freely.
We all want to be close to "gentle and powerful" people, such people are really very charismatic.
01 The essence of boundaries is a clear self.
Many people talk about the word "border", and some people are particularly sensitive to boundaries and show a strong defensive and aggressive mentality.
I once met a man who, on a crowded train, reacted very loudly and spoke out because the corner of the clothes of the people around him accidentally swept the corner of his clothes. The essence of this "fuss" is a defensive reaction when they feel that their borders have been invaded. In other words, he's defending himself by attacking others. But because this method is too aggressive, it can easily lead to conflict and cause problems in his relationships. Most of the "things that are disliked by others" in life are like this.
Adolescent children, and some rebellious **, are also people who are particularly sensitive to their own "boundaries". Most adolescent children have the Xi of "closing the door", and the symbolic meaning of "door" is the psychological boundary of the self. Closing the door means that they are warning that they are "not allowed to enter without permission".
There are also adults who can't accept the slightest bit of negation, criticism or even advice, and their mantra is "It's your business, why do you care about me?".”。
This type of person is particularly sensitive to the boundaries of the ego, but often overreacts and is unable to be gentle and firm. Behind this reaction, there is some psychological trauma. They react violently to "tube" because "tube" means forcibly entering "your" will into "me". When they feel that they are being "managed", they actually experience the powerlessness of being forcibly controlled, and the reactivation of past traumas in this moment makes them show a furious response.
Unlike such people, gentle people are equally protective of the boundaries of the ego, but in a gentle and firm way.
This is because the process of a person's inner strength is actually the process of "self" becoming clearer, and they will know more clearly who they are and their boundaries are in. When the self is developed, a person's spiritual core can become stable.
02 The border is not only inward, but also outward.
The spread of the word "boundary" is closely related to the popularization of family education psychology, and many people know this word through articles on parent-child relationships. A gentle and firm parent can maintain clear psychological boundaries with their children, they have the ability to understand the inner needs of their children without crossing the line too much, they rarely interfere with their children, but it is easy to raise children with autonomy.
And those families who "do their homework" are essentially symbiotic family relationships with their children, and the psychological boundaries between them are blurred or even non-existent. Parents and children are not two separate people, but one person. Therefore, children's homework is not only the child's own business, but also a mantra that disturbs the parents' emotions.
When parents' emotions are constantly disturbed, they need to do something to make themselves less anxious, the simplest way, of course, is to urge the child to change, so as soon as the child changes, the parent will regain peace. I wrote an article a few days ago titled "Love to worry and too serious, both are a kind of psychological defect", which resonated with many people, and the data I saw in the background, ** and the number of collections are thousands. The reason why this article resonates so much is precisely because there are many such people in life.
A few days ago in the property group, there was a landlord @ his upstairs neighbor, suggesting that he pay a little attention to the volume and time when tutoring his children's homework, because he is often woken up at 12 o'clock in the middle of the night by the angry scolding of the upstairs slapping the table, this neighbor was furious, he said angrily: "I tutor my own children at home, what is your business?".If you don't sleep well, you can move, and if the house is not soundproofed, go to the developer!”
This parent emphasized that "in his own home, take care of his own children", that is, he was emphasizing that this is a matter within his own boundaries, so he can't accept other people's opinions, and feels that his boundaries have been violated. But he doesn't take into account his actions, whether he will also disturb others, whether it is also an invasion of other people's boundaries?Is your own control over your child also an invasion of your child's boundary?
This is the rebellious person and the gentle person, who seem to be able to protect their boundaries, but there is a big difference.
A gentle and firm person knows that he is an independent individual, and at the same time can respect others as an independent individual. So their sense of boundaries is consistent, not only inwardly to protect themselves, but also outward, to respect others. And the rebellious people are typical "double standards" - they fight for their own boundaries, even to the extent that they must compare, but they often ignore the boundaries of others.
Therefore, most of those people who often talk about "don't worry about your, don't care about me" often interfere with others and say irresponsible things to others.
Fourth, the person who points fingers.
03 True gentleness brings strength.
If a person does not satisfy himself first, he cannot give the excess to others. The essence of human beings is to push themselves and others, and those who can treat themselves well can treat others well.
So when we see a person who is very gentle, it must be because he loves himself first and foremost. Or it can be said that he is a person with the ability to love himself. A person who has a sense of lack of love cannot present a relaxed and gentle state.
Self-love means being kind to yourself. What is kindness?It is to respect, understand, accept, and support. From this point of view, endless grabbing and self-satisfaction are not really self-kindness. Just like a person who wants to treat his stomach well, he is not eating what he wants to eat, eating and drinking twice a day, but regularly and quantitatively, with rich varieties and reasonable collocation. In this way, the stomach of the ta's stomach can be healthy and comfortable.
In addition, simple good temper and good speech do not mean gentleness, but may be timid, flattering, pandering, and self-suppression. Some people-pleasing people look gentle and gentle, but in fact they have serious internal friction and are very tired. This kind of "good old man" who puts the needs of others above himself, does not know how to truly love himself, and often sacrifices his boundaries to please others out of fear of interpersonal conflict and the need for appreciation and affirmation in relationships. Therefore, the gentleness of such people is only an appearance or even an illusion, not a real tenderness.
True gentleness must be powerful gentleness. "Your kindness has to bring a little edge", and similarly, your gentleness has to bring some strength. This heavy strength comes from his deep love for himself.
04 When the mood is stable, the appearance is gentle.
In the end, we all want to live as gentle and bounded individuals, but what if we can't do it for a while?The easiest way is that we can approach such people first.
Meng Mu Sanqian is talking about the impact of "environment" on people, and various studies in modern psychology have confirmed that the impact of the environment on people is extremely huge, so if you want to be what kind of person you want to become, you should first get close to such a person, benchmark, imitate and feel ta. If you come into contact with such people, you will find that their attention is different from that of most people, most of them focus on the processing of emotions, while their attention is on self-realization goals.
A gentle and powerful person, because of the clear boundaries of the self, so do not suppress the self, rarely emotional internal friction, at the same time, they can respect the boundaries of others, so there is less interpersonal conflict, these make them always in a stable state of mind. People's attention is a limited resource, because they have a stable mood, so they can pay more attention to "solving problems and achieving goals", such a life is obviously more efficient and easier to become themselves.
In the process of studying psychology, I have had several moments of enlightenment that have left a deep impression on memorable. One of them comes from the definition of "inner strength". The so-called inner strength is a person's ability to eliminate external interference and continue to achieve their goals. At that moment, I suddenly realized that emotions, for ordinary people, can be the biggest distraction.
We think that we are entangled in all kinds of trivial things every day, but in fact, we are emotionally disturbed by various external disturbances. For example, intermittent complacency, continuous mixing and waiting for death, behind the corresponding, is high or low negative emotions. Our emotions are not disturbed by the outside world all the time, with things happy, with our own sorrow, up and down, high and low.
Chicken soup persuades people: "Mature people have long quit their emotions", but in fact, emotions can't be quit, isolation, suppression or avoidance, can not fundamentally solve the problem, only go deep into the heart, continue to explore, improve cognition, enhance ability, in order to become the master of emotions.
From this point of view, a gentle and firm person is actually a person who has clear self-boundaries, clear goals, basic trust in the world, and pious determination to himself.
When the heart is stable, the appearance is gentle.
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Tang Sugar
National Level 2 Psychological Counselor |15w fan psychology blogger on the whole network.
Published "Being an Emotionally Stable Parent: You Are Your Child's Family of Origin".
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Topic: Personal Growth|Homeschooling|Gender relations.