After observing 700 couples, I found that there is always only one type of person who is happily married
There are many couples who are affectionate when they first meet, but they eventually choose to part ways.
In this regard, marriage expert John Gottman offers some insights.
He followed 700 couples for 40 years and came to the conclusion:
There is a 69% chance that conflicts and problems between couples will always exist.
This means that there are bound to be differences in marriage that cannot be eliminated.
The success of a marriage essentially depends on the couple's attitude towards differences, conflicts, and the ups and downs of life.
Why does a person change after marriage?
There's a saying that says it well:
No matter who you choose to marry, after you get married, you will always find that you are no longer the person you were marrying in the first place. ”
The movie "Married Life" vividly tells the story of a couple who rediscover their love for each other after a divorce.
John and Marianne have a successful career, a prosperous life, and have two lovely daughters.
To outsiders, they are a couple who respect and love each other.
However, deep down in their hearts, the other party is no longer what they loved at the beginning.
John thinks Marianne is too conformist and boring, and their lives become uneventful, like a pool of stagnant water.
Marianne, on the other hand, felt that John was negligent in his family responsibilities, indifferent to himself, and careless about everything.
Eventually, John fell into an extramarital affair with a young girl and filed for divorce.
He expressed his inner displeasure in his rant at Marianne:
We live in a closed environment, where everything is in order, like a clock that is constantly turning, but lacks fresh air. ”
Marianne also angrily reprimanded him, and after a big quarrel, the two decided to separate and reached an agreement to divorce.
In the long tug-of-war, their dissatisfaction and boredom with each other gradually deepened, and they longed for each other to say goodbye to each other as soon as possible.
It wasn't until a few years later that they started a new life, and they discovered new feelings through a chance encounter.
The couple, who once complained about each other, actually fell into deep love for each other again.
They drove to the outskirts, talking with relish along the way, as if they had regained the sweetness of their first acquaintance.
At this time, they realized that the other party had not changed, and what had changed was their own perception of the other party.
Accidental?In fact, couples like them who regret their divorce are not alone.
In interpersonal relationships, there is a psychological phenomenon known as the "halo effect".
Once a person makes a good first impression on you, you tend to think that the other person is excellent in every way.
Marriage is no exception.
When we fall in love, we usually only see the sparkle in the other person.
However, as daily life becomes dull, the "halo effect" gradually disappears, and the shortcomings of both sides begin to be revealed.
As a result, many couples feel that the other person has changed and the relationship has become boring.
In fact, the good and the bad have always been there, but you have ignored or exaggerated them.
In a bland marriage, learn to "Xi" each other's strengths in stages.
Only through constant retrospection can you keep your initial heart and fall in love with each other again and again.
In marriage, mastering the wisdom of turning a blind eye is key to building a sense of security and belonging.
In important matters, we should "open our eyes", consider the feelings of the other person, and make rational choices
In trivial matters, you should "close your eyes", ignore those trivial things, and live life easily.
This is exactly the way of experience in the married life of Yang Jiang and Qian Zhongshu.
They are always the first to communicate with each other before making a big decision.
For example, Qian Zhongshu returned to China to teach at Tsinghua University, while Yang Jiang chose to return to Shanghai to spend time with his daughter.
One day, Qian Zhongshu went home with a worried face, saying that there was something to discuss with Yang Jiang.
It turned out that his father received an invitation from an old friend to go to Lantian in Hunan Province to establish the National Teachers College.
Subsequently, Qian Zhongshu's father wrote many times, hoping that he could go to Lantian to serve as the head of the English department.
Under the persuasion of his father and family, Qian Zhongshu began to consider the possibility of changing jobs.
He did not make a decision on his own, but insisted on listening to Yang Jiang's opinion before making a final decision.
This mutual respect deeply touched Yang Jiang, and at the same time realized how important his place in his heart was.
And when faced with some innocuous little things, they often choose to laugh it off, but not think too much.
Although Qian Zhongshu is an erudite scholar, he also shows some clumsiness.
He is not good at tying bows, he can't distinguish between his left and right feet, he even grabs directly like a child when he uses chopsticks, and even knocked out most of his front teeth due to wrestling when he first arrived in Oxford.
During the hospitalization of Yang Jiang's child, his clumsiness was more than once, either breaking a table lamp or damaging the door shaft, causing chaos in the home.
However, Yang Jiang did not take everything too seriously, and responded calmly every time: "It doesn't matter."
Once discharged from the hospital and returned home, she silently repaired all the damaged furniture and quietly cleaned up the "mess".
Building trust through mutual respect and fostering harmony through tolerance gave their marriage a warm undertone.
Educator Bella Leonidova once said:
The basis of marriage is love, attachment, and respect. ”
For those major decisions involving the fate of life, we should not insist on going our own way, but should discuss and discuss together, so that both parties can feel love and respect.
As for those trivial things in life, don't worry too much, sometimes, a moderate amount of pretending to be stupid can make the relationship between husband and wife more intimate.
In marriage, don't think it's more important than life.
There is a basic rule in marriage:
People who are able to maintain personal balance are more likely to have a happy marriage. ”
Those men and women who have a happy marriage have actually achieved a lot of success in their life management.
Life is like a big circle, and marriage is only one small circle.
I once heard a true story shared by best-selling author Meiya, and it was heartbreaking after reading it.
After graduating from a certain university, the girl Keiko went to Shanghai to look for a job.
Due to the fierce competition for jobs, she, a girl with average ability, had to work in a company with low salaries and hard work.
In order to save money, she shared a shabby partition with a female colleague.
The wooden floor is deformed, the cabinet door is broken, and eight people share a bathroom, and the living environment is extremely dirty and messy
Coupled with the fact that she was often bullied by customers at work and often scolded by her superiors, her life was extremely difficult during that time.
Eager to get out of her bad life, she chose to marry a sales executive who was eight years older than her half a year later.
Soon after marriage, she quickly became pregnant and did not hesitate to become a housewife.
At the beginning, she was glad that with the "umbrella" of marriage, she thought that her bumpy life could finally be reversed.
But she never expected that she did not have the ability to deal with the relationship between husband and wife and the conflict between her mother-in-law and daughter-in-law.
Faced with the tremendous pressure of parenting, her husband's incomprehension, and her mother-in-law's disrespect, she was almost out of breath.
She had hoped to leave her family for a while, but she was not strong enough to find a good job, so she could only be depressed all day long.
Her misfortune was actually created by herself.
She sees her partner as her "savior" and marriage as a refuge in life.
However, in fact, marriage is only a part of life.
Only when the great circle of life is complete and fulfilling, can the small circle of marriage be continuously protected.
Once this cause and effect relationship is sorted out, the problems in the marriage will become solved.
Bi Shumin once said:
Marriage is not only a manifestation of happiness, it is not only the joy of two loves, but also the dependence of life and death, the test and tempering, but also the subversion of familiar life and the establishment of a new model. ”
Behind a high-quality marriage, both partners need to have the ability to take control of their own lives and manage them very well.
Rather than struggling to manage a marital relationship, it is worth trying to expand your personal landscape and focus on a broader range of personal growth.
Only when life is fulfilled will the marriage not be too bad.
Maybe you've heard the saying:
Marriage is a combination of love, responsibility, and spiritual growth, and all three are indispensable. ”
Insist on discovering each other's strengths, and love will not fade with the years;
Stay calm in the face of major events, and relationships won't be dull by trivialities;
By broadening the pattern and horizons of life, the marriage will be stronger because both parties mature.
Finding the person who holds each other's hands among thousands of people is a rare fate in the world.
And if you want to work together for a lifetime, you need to take the necessary responsibilities, cultivate the wisdom of getting along, and nourish the lives of both parties.
May you be sincere, good at management, and embrace those precious warm moments in life.