A fan friend complained about her son's stubbornness: on weekends, she and her friends took their children to the park to play. Several children were having a good time, but they didn't expect their son to quarrel with another child over a toyThe son snatched the toy and pushed the child down. This scene happened to be seen by her, and she took the initiative to ask her son to apologize to the other party. The son blushed and said angrily, "I don't apologize!".The child did something wrong and was so unreasonable, which made her very angry, so she raised her voice and criticized the child fiercely. The child cried aggrievedly, and the "I'm sorry" still couldn't be said after all. In life, when many parents criticize their children, they are particularly obsessed with their children's apologies, but the children will be stubborn and do not apologize. Why do children react this way?This has something to do with the topic of "shame" that I want to talk to you about today. 
Feelings of shame and guilt
Danish psychologist Ils Sander explains shame this way in his book "The Right Shyness":
Shame is a social emotion.
Shame is a feeling of feeling that you have some kind of problem and are not loved by others.
She points out that short-term shame is a healthy response.
In other words, it is normal to have a sense of shame in life, and a short period of shame can inspire children to reflect, learn lessons from mistakes, and improve moral character.
What we really need to be wary of is a strong sense of shame within.
For example, for the child who refused to apologize above, apologizing seemed to mean "I was a bad child" to him.
Especially apologizing in public, the child needs to put down his pride to win forgiveness, which makes him feel ashamed.
While he refuses to apologize, it is also equivalent to self-defense.
A child with a strong sense of shame is always highly sensitive to these "humiliating" situations, and he needs to find ways to protect his self-esteem.
So, why do some children apologize sincerely and voluntarily?
This is where the difference between guilt and shame comes in.
Feelings of guilt and shame are two emotions that often alternate, and they are inextricably linked and have subtle differences.
A psychologist once mentioned in a lecture how to distinguish between these two feelings.
Children affected by shame: "I did this, so I'm a bad person." ”
Children who are affected by guilt, instead of feeling sorry for themselves, target a specific behavior: "I did a bad thing. ”
This difference can also lead to different behavioral outcomes for children.
Children who sincerely apologize are more willing to think about how to make up for their mistakes precisely because they feel guilty, and their reflection focuses on the impact of their behavior on others.
However, this is not the case with children who are tormented by shame.
The focus of their introspection is on themselves, and they are surrounded by a sense of worthlessness, so they choose to escape the way to relieve the pain.
A lot of adult criticismLet the child be filled with "shame".If a child keeps feeling that "I'm bad" or "I can't do anything", he will develop habitual shame. The reason for the formation of this thought is hidden in the parents' responses, such as neglect, humiliation, and so on. Many adult criticisms will also fill the child with a "sense of shame", and we will conclude that the child's motives are bad through a certain behavior, and then deny the child as a whole.
Putting down children, labeling: "What's the use of you", "waste", "lazy, stupid, timid"...However, children rarely change as a result.Teach your child in public and don't save face.
Turning over old accounts, repeatedly mentioning the child's faults, and not seeing the child's strengths and progress.
When children are surrounded by shame, their first reaction is not to take responsibility, but:EscapeIt was a situation that made him feel ashamed. They will belittle themselves and self-denial. Some children are also very sensitive to criticism, and they take criticism as a denial of him as a person. In severe cases, children will break the jar and become insensitive. In news stories, it is not uncommon for children to run away from home, resist or even jump off a building because they are criticized by their parents. Adults lament that this is all because of the fragility of children, in fact, sometimes it is those criticismsLack of proportion, humiliate the child, deprive the child of self-esteem, the child will have such a big reaction. There was once such a news, on the bus, a mother kept scolding her son for not doing his homework seriously, and the child was anxious and began to talk back. In a fit of rage, the mother stripped off the child's clothes, leaving only his ** and socks, and got out of the car by herself. The child endured the suspicious glances cast by the passengers on the bus and sat silently at the terminalThe arrogance of the retort is gone, replaced by a look of helplessness and bewilderment. Some parents commented: "If you do this, your child will always be able to remember it for a long time, right?"”In fact, the change of children because of fear, and the feeling of relief for parents because of their children, are just an illusion. For children, parental humiliation is a betrayal of children's unconditional attachment and trust to adults.
They may hide their feelings and behaviors and become more and more alienated from their parentsWhile we "humiliate" our children, we are also undermining their "upward" power. From this point of view, the price of "long memory" is too great. The American psychologist Beverly Engel once said, "Of all emotions, shame is the only thing that destroys our evaluation of ourselves, believing that we are dirty, ugly, inferior, worthless, and unworthy of love." "Good education requires leniency, parents always need to point out their children's mistakes, tell their children the bottom line and principles, this is the responsibility of educators. But the last thing we can do is:When criticizing a child, pass on too much shame to them.They may be less and less concerned about the evaluation of the outside world on the surface, and they are full of helplessness inside;
They may learn this style of communication, retaliating against their parents
They may have a deep inferiority complex and doubt their sense of worth and existence, ......
The basic premise of criticizing the childSeeing this, some parents will say, "In this way, the child still can't say it?""Criticism is an education method that parents can't live without. But parents who know how to criticize will constantly respond with both criticism and acceptance. They guide the child to reflect on the behaviour but constantly express their support. They have a belief that children are good by nature. In the words of Rebecca Iron, an American parenting expert, "You have to remember that he was a good kid with positive motives, but he made bad choices. In fact, every child has a pursuit of "I am a good child" in their hearts, and their behaviors that make parents feel dissatisfied are inevitable challenges in the process of growing up. They just need your help and guidance, that's all. Once we lose patience, we take our child's behavior as a challengeIt's easy to focus too much on bad outcomes, to turn education into "humiliation," to exaggerate and demonize mistakes. Eventually, the trust of the child is lost, and various educational methods begin to fail. Therefore, when we criticize a child, we must first isolate the child himself from the mistake itselfUse more sentences that lead positively, don't buckle hats, and don't label them. For example, if a child breaks a cup, a sentence of "Mom believes you didn't mean it" can cause the child's reflection more than scolding. What we pass on to our children is that you did it wrong, but I believe you are still a good boy and I love you. Next, we need to guide the child to pay attention to what he did wrong and how he affected others. For example, if the child damages his brother's favorite figure, we need to help the childEmpathy: Would you be very upset if your brother took away your favorite toy car?
This kind of communication can awaken the child's guilt and realize his mistakes. Finally, guide your child to think: What can be done next to take responsibility or make up for mistakes?It can be an apology, or it can be a conscious attempt to make amends. In this way, our criticism can be regarded as "complete". In the process of growing up, children will inevitably have times when their performance is not satisfactory;What we need to do is to encourage children to be brave in the face of their mistakes. With a little more patience, a little understanding, gentle reminders, hints, and nudges, children can basically change spontaneously. Our love and tolerance for children give them the courage and confidence to face their mistakes. Don't use humiliating criticism to push your child against us. 