Fake intimacy is eroding the marriages of this generation of young people

Haruki Murakami said, "People are born crippled. ”

Most of us enter intimate relationships with this incompleteness.

The desire for fulfillment from intimacy.

But it is precisely because of each other's inadequacies that the intimate relationship that should be happy is full of holes.

I have always been accommodating to him and tolerating him, but he takes it for granted. ”

I really wanted to be cared for and cared for by him, but he couldn't see what I needed. ”

I don't know when it began, caring became a routine, like a stranger. ”

I've told me a lot of things, but he still can't remember it, and to put it bluntly, he doesn't love me enough. ”

One can't help but wonder:

In this world, can we really have a good love and a good marriage?

Before answering this question, I would like to share with you the story of rice grains.

When we first met, Mi Li asked me this question:

How can I trust that he really loves me and really cares about me? ”

His white face was full of sorrow.

She has known her husband for 7 years and has been married for 5 years.

But I always feel uneasy and anxious about this relationship.

Intellectually she knew that her husband loved her very much:

He will remember the wedding anniversary and her birthday, and will carefully prepare for this to satisfy the sense of ceremony she wants;

He will be too expensive to buy things for himself, and he is not willing to buy things for her, but he never cares, just make her happy;

Whenever there is a quarrel, he will always bow his head first, reflect on his own problems, and then hug her in anger....

She said no less than 10 times about such trivial things as putting socks, putting shoes, and turning off the lights, but her husband always couldn't remember them;

Her unhappiness was written on her face, but her husband couldn't read her emotions, and he just focused on his own business;

When she returned to her in-laws' house during the Chinese New Year, she hoped that her husband would spend more time with her, but her husband was often by her in-laws' side...

If he loves me enough and cares about me, why can't he remember my words, meet my needs, and change for me? ”

Then, constantly ask her husband for a "confirmation":

Do you really love me?

Am I the most important person to you?

The suspicions and tests that often erupted turned the husband into a machine that quickly answered whether he loved or not, and made the marriage more and more twisted.

Dilemmas like this are not uncommon in intimate relationships.

In addition, there are also dilemmas such as subconsciously avoiding relationships, liking but not daring to approach, and being overly dependent.

In all cases, we will suffer from the conflict between the two parties in the relationship, and even begin to doubt ourselves.

But that's not your fault, dear.

Perhaps our weakness in intimate relationships is due to the "distortion" of our perception of it.

So, want to make intimacy better.

We should first figure out, what is true intimacy?

From a psychological point of view, true intimacy should have three elements:

Dependence, independence, and conflict.

Dependence is a sense of security. When you're feeling stressed and want to rest, there's a safe haven behind you.

Independence is a sense of boundaries. In an intimate relationship, each other is an independent individual. We all have our own friends, our jobs, and our lives.

Conflict, on the other hand, is the only way for the long-term development of intimate relationships and an effective tool for regulating borders.

True intimacy is the one who dares to rely on, to be independent, and to conflict. We can be honest with each other, express our feelings, pay attention to each other's feelings, and gradually open up until we have nothing to say.

It is a pity that in China, most marriages are trapped in fake intimacy and cannot enter into real intimacy.

One is because of the concept of "filial piety first" in traditional thought.

The intimacy that we are exposed to is often not equal, but below our parents.

The other reason is that our perception of intimacy is often closely related to the pattern of interaction with parents and other relatives in childhood.

For these reasons, our perception of intimacy is "distorted".

The first is dependency.

Taking rice grains as an example, the "dependence" she presents is——

I hope that my husband can always pay attention to himself, listen to his own words, and be able to change for himself.

Dependency is "distorted" into symbiosis and control.

And all this is traceable in her childhood.

Since she was a child, her parents instilled in her the idea: "You have to listen to me, and I will love you." ”

When she behaves like she doesn't meet her parents' requirements, they adjust Miri's behavior by intimidating or blaming her.

This experience of "intimacy means control" experienced in the family of origin is evoked when Mi Li walks into her intimate relationship.

Then there is independence.

In our interactions with our nurturers at an early age, our independence is curbed to a certain extent.

Due to the limitations of the age in which the caregiver lives, he or she may not be able to truly understand the definition of "independence" in psychology, or even know what "love" is.

They use traditional methods to "love" you in the new era.

It will not be able to distinguish the boundaries between yourself and yours, ignore your expression and resistance, and take care of your life.

When the ability to be independent is not well cultivated, we are more likely to lose our boundaries and become overly dependent or overly intrusive into each other after entering an intimate relationship.

Finally, there is the conflict.

In early interactions with caregivers, conflict is often suppressed and avoided.

When we try to express it, our parents can often suppress it with a sentence of "you are not filial".

The anger and pain in our hearts cannot be exported, and in the end, we can only flee or have to explode.

In this way, when we enter into intimate relationships, we are not strong enough to deal with conflict.

Perhaps in order to avoid it, some important or sensitive topics are carefully avoided.

Our understanding, acceptance, and trust in each other do not increase with the time we get along.

The relationship may get stuck there, then slowly deteriorate, and finally terminate.

Many times, when the relationship is close and both people show their truest selves, there will be unknown and dangerous feelings.

Conflict ensues, bringing all sorts of loss of control and negative emotions.

If we can confront it head-on and get past it, our intimacy will be more resilient and able to go on for longer.

We can also grow and be happy in this true relationship.

Many times, we can't move towards true intimacy because we don't know and don't dare to show our true selves.

It's not clear where I'm stuck in this relationship.

Rather than continue to be a victim in such a painful environment, it is better to find a way to "live" yourself.

Here's how you can try:

First, try to understand and accept yourself.

That is, to understand your self, to understand your relationship with yourself.

If we don't understand what we want and don't want in an intimate relationship, we fall into passivity.

For example, Mi Li used to always wronged himself and tried his best to satisfy his parents.

After getting married, she also transferred this sense of dedication to her husband.

Then, because the other party can't see his own efforts, he is scheming and complaining.

The relationship between the two couldn't go any further.

Second, develop the ability to intellectualize.

Develop a sense of self-esteem and self-confidence that has been left behind.

When we are lost or in pain, "jump" out and look at ourselves:

What am I suffering for? Do I want to be responded to? To whom can I reveal myself? ”

In this way, we can nurture a sense of security rather than a sense of control in our intimate relationships.

Then, find a "container" of your own.

It could be a hobby, a close friend, or a new friend.

Through the support, encouragement, tolerance and healing received from the long-term interaction with the "container", we can shine a light on the strengths and strengths that have been overlooked in ourselves.

Finally, confront emotions and learn Xi ability to talk in an impasse.

It's not easy.

When conflict comes, we will have a lot of pressure.

Those emotions are so overwhelming that we even feel out of control.

But if we avoid it out of fear, we will never be able to cross this hurdle.

Try to face it and express yourself clearly in the midst of conflict.

When one day, you can talk about conflict without hurting the other person, your relationship will go further.

If you wish, you can also use professional strength, such as psychological counseling.

Counselling is not simply about giving you advice on how to be more comfortable in intimate relationships.

Everyone's experience and the root of the problem are different.

More crucially, find the point where you are stuck and make the subconscious conscious.

What the hell am I stuck in**? How did I get myself into this predicament of not being able to enjoy intimacy? ”

By finding this part, you will have more ability and willingness to lead the other person to see and understand you.

It's like a grain of rice. With my help, she was able to see the root causes of her anxiety and the moments in her childhood when she wasn't responding to them properly.

She began to think about how she interacted with her husband in this marriage.

I also understood the sadness of not being seen, so I projected all my expectations on my husband, hoping that he could see and heal himself.

After the consultation, Mi Li tore down the "wall" between each other, and the two became closer.

So far, the two are very affectionate. Her husband has always supported her and guarded the home with her.

This is the science of counseling.

With the help of professionals, we were able to see the part of ourselves that was stuck.

Then, in this safe counseling relationship, nurture a sense of security and gain your own methods and experiences.

May you truly walk into intimacy and create your own happiness.

The world and I love you. Author: Psychological counselor Wang Lu

Editor: Konishi

Source: Unsplash