I went home during the National Day holiday before, and the seven-day home plan that I thought was happy was shattered the next day. Staying at home means being nagged by my parents, so I'd rather stay outside in a bubble tea shop than go home early in the last few days of the holiday.
I saw some netizens on the Internet say that the attitude of parents changed before and after I went home, and I think it is very suitable - parents before going home: when will the baby come home;Parents on the first day home: Welcome your baby home;Parents on the third day of going home: When are you going to start school, go back to school. No matter how long the holiday is, the baby's name only exists for the first two days.
Staying at home every day is like being stuck in a cycle, and my mother will never tire of saying the same few words, "What time is it and you can't get up yet!"."I don't sweep the floor, I don't wash the dishes, I hold a mobile phone all day long", "Don't stay at home all the time, go out for a walk".
We are nostalgic for the warmth of home, and we want to stay a little longer when we go home, but at the same time, we also hope that the "love" of our parents in the first three days can be prolonged, and the "dislike" in the next few days can come later.
1 Habits that do not understand each other
Let's take sleep habits as an example.
The parents' rest time is generally relatively fixed, and they go to bed at 11 or 12 o'clock at night, and they can get up at ** o'clock the next day to prepare breakfast.
As college students or office workers, they usually have to go to class early.
If you want to clock in and go to work at eight or nine o'clock, it is not easy to get up early every day. So when it comes to the holidays, they will go to bed later and wake up slowly after 10 o'clock the next day.
Mary Carskadon and her colleagues found that young people could sleep for 9 hours and 25 minutes if they slept until they woke up naturally. Most young people don't get enough sleep and suffer from sleep deficits, and often use other times to catch up on sleep.
As we age, the biological clock of adolescents undergoes changes, with the onset of melatonin (the hormone produced by the pineal gland of the brain preparing for sleep) delayed, the onset of sleep delayed, and the morning waking time was 1 hour later than in early adulthood.
Middle-aged people, on the other hand, have a decrease in total sleep time as they age. From the age of 40, the deep sleep during sleep will gradually decrease, the time of waking up will increase, and the night will often toss and turn, and it is easy to wake up. From mid-adulthood to late adulthood, the duration of sleep changes. Liu Xianchen and others found out,Older Chinese people sleep less every day, and the time to get up is earlier than that of younger peopleHour.
We recognize that there are different "rest clocks" for both parent and child generations. In the parents get up early at 05 1 hours, we don't want our parents to wake us up, because for us,Wake up according to the time of the parents, and feel sleep deprived. Then we need to tell our parents more clearly, what time is it appropriate to wake me up when I go to bed, what kind of way I can accept it, what kind of behavior is unacceptable, etc., and try to set the boundary between you. Of course, closing the door to isolate space and sound is also a way to set boundaries, but it can easily cause dissatisfaction among parents.
You can also think about how your parents enjoy their own alone time and encourage them to keep this early morning leisure time to themselves. (Is there a kind of interest class in the morning where parents can learn it!)）
2 Numbers in the name of worry
Since when did we start hearing our parents say things like, "You are still like this at the age of xx now, you can't take care of yourself well, what will you do in the future", "If you don't get married now, what will you do when you get old".
Parents begin to feel worried and dissatisfied with their children's lifestyles and choices. They may worry about their child's future, worry about their child's health, and worry about their child's safety. This worry and dissatisfaction can be stressful and even resentful for the child.
Since they don't see each other for a long time and the length of the call is limited, parents will quietly keep these worries to their hearts, and during the holidays, once there is a face-to-face opportunity, they will take the opportunity to bring it up repeatedly.
Although when you hear your parents say these words, you can understand that your parents are worried about your future situation, but on the other hand, children can also feel hurt- Why parents can't believe that they can live well, why they are always full of shortcomings in the eyes of their parents, and why parents don't believe that they can make good arrangements......
Usually we may argue and prove that this is not the case around our parents' sentences, or end an argument with "you leave me alone", but neither of us can accept the other's point of view, so the same thing will continue in the future.
3 Control "in the name of love".
There are many parenting styles, and one of the more typical ones is the controlling parenting style.
On the one hand, the controlling parenting style emphasizes strict control and unconditional obedience, and on the other hand, treats the child with emotional indifference, with little consideration for the child's needs and wishes. Parents often say "I am for your good", but the implicit meaning of the words is "you must listen to me", and they do not give their children the right to choose at all.
The core of control is often cloaked in "love" and "care.", under the banner of "in the name of love", it is difficult for the controlled to resist.
The details of Zhu Chaoyang's relationship with his mother in "The Hidden Corner" reveal a hint of control, such as Zhu Chaoyang's mother will prepare a glass of milk for Zhu Chaoyang every day, and supervise him to drink it and not resist.
As children become more and more independent, the educational model that has been established since childhood is challenged. Children who used to passively obey their parents will gradually take the initiative to fight for the life they want as they grow up.
1 Some sentences need to be rewritten
Frequent accusations are the devil's most powerful **. As the German proverb goes. Accusations and accusations destroy many fragile relationships because accusations involve things that have passed or have ended. It sends a signal that I'm right – and you're not!People only quarrel about accusations and cannot be negotiated.
At this time,We need to transform what we hear and recognize every accusation(v)After the hidden desire(w), looking for desire from the accusation.
We often see such a scene, that is, once two people quarrel, in the fierce confrontation between you and me, they will quarrel with each other more and more.
It's like we're having a snowball fight with each other in the snow, and I feel a huge snowball thrown by you, and I'm going to attack you with a snowball of the same size, until both sides are exhausted at the end.
When we realize that there is a desire behind the accusation, the snowball becomes a marshmallow, neither hard nor hurtful, it is nothing more than a small wish. In that case, can we also respond to each other in a gentler way?
Instead of arguing and blaming each other, we can gently understand each other's wishes and achieve mutual understanding and smooth communication.
2 Try to manage your feelings of guilt
Sometimes there is a disagreement with the parents, and if we insist on doing what we think, it may develop into a situation of quarrels, but arguing with our parents is not our intention, and when we reflect on it afterwards, a sense of guilt arises.
When guilt arises and we don't know how to act, we can follow the steps below to work with guilt.
Four Steps to Guilt Management Techniques:
Assess the intensity of guilt
Level 1 represents the lowest level of guilt, while level 10 represents the highest level of guilt.
Find your real reason
Ask yourself these questions:
1) What exactly do I feel guilty about?
2) How much of my guilt stems from something I've done or thought about doing?
3) Is there anyone (like my parents or spouse) who is deliberately trying to make me feel guilty?
Assess the intensity of guilt and cope with it
When the intensity of guilt is not high, we can try to feel it for ourselves, and describe it, it does not have much impact on our daily life, so we don't need to pay too much attention to it.
If you feel that your guilt score is very high, and you often can't get out of this intense guilt, maybe we can explore it with a counselor.
Manage your guilt
When dealing with guilt, we can tell ourselves the following words:
1) Our negative, complex, and painful feelings about our parents must be legitimate. There is a reason for these emotions.
2) We can't control and choose these feelings.
3) There is no such thing as good or bad feeling.
3. Start the emotional communication experience at the right time
We usually see such examples, some people look back on their own growth process, he can see that his parents take good care of him, and the material conditions are also very good, but he always does not feel the love of his parents in his heart, and his feelings about everything in the outside world are very flat.
In fact, this situation occurs because families often want to avoid conflict when communicating, dare not communicate feelings, and cannot accept each other's emotions.
Returning home from a different place, the distance between us and our parents has been shortened all of a sudden, and all kinds of happy, joyful, disappointed, and angry emotions have crackled like fireworks, and these parts are also some microcosms of our past lives, but they are quickly staged in just a few days.
The interpersonal efficacy skills in Dialectical Behavior** (DBT) can help us listen and communicate more effectively and maintain a positive and healthy relationship.
When we want to take the initiative to communicate with our parents, we can use the "give method" to improve the relationship and communicate positively.
The "give method" stands for:
Gentle: Don't attack, threaten, or judge others
Interested: Show interest with good listening skills (don't interrupt others).
Validate: Acknowledging the other person's thoughts and feelings
Easy manner: Try to have a relaxed attitude (smile often, be light-hearted).
Later, when there is a holiday, we listen to our parents in a gentle and polite manner, ask them what they think, approve of them appropriately, and have a frank conversation in a relaxed atmosphere.
Either way, when we come home from the holidays, we always relax a little and enjoy being a little salted fish at home. At home, we accept the "love" from our parents, but this "love" is not necessarily so kind, it can be a bowl of pork rib soup prepared by your mother for you, or it can be an alarm clock at 8 o'clock in the morning to wake you up on time.
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