Text |Mi Li's mother.
Recently, Mi Li's mother saw the experience of a netizen being broken up, and she was particularly touched, and she chatted with everyone here.
To put it simply, this girl and her boyfriend have been together for more than a year, and they have come to the point of talking about marriage, but her boyfriend's mother thinks that her family situation is too complicated, and relatives and friends also think it is inappropriate, so they persuade them to break up quickly.
The girl couldn't accept it very much, and felt that her boyfriend had already known her family background, and since she didn't think it was appropriate, why didn't she say it earlier?
Mi Li's mother thought to herself, how complicated can this family background be?
A closer look reveals thatIt turned out that after the girl's mother died, her father married another and gave birth to a younger brother.
There is no junior wife tearing x and sprinkling dog blood, there is no nine sons fighting for succession, and there is no illegitimate child returning to rob property, but it is just a widow and another marriage, can it be complicated?
may be as some netizens "maliciously speculated", it is because they have a younger brother, and they are afraid that the bride price will be more.
But no matter what the man's family thinks and what excuses they make, what makes Mi Li's mother feel the most is the girl's attitude and practices.
What is revealed between the lines is called passivity if it sounds good, and "being led by the nose" when it is ugly.
Because of the original family, the girl may have suffered a lot of grievances and failed to receive full love, so she has low self-esteem in her bones, and is very afraid and disappointed in her feelings, so she said "I don't want to fall in love, I don't yearn for marriage".
But after meeting her boyfriend, because of his "swearing" promise, the girl was willing to try to get along with him.
Regarding this point, it was mentioned more than once in her self-report that it was because of her boyfriend's encouragement and assurance that she believed that the two could go on forever.
But can this belief of hers really hold up?Not necessarily.
She mentioned that in the more than a year they have been together, they don't have a lot of happy time, and they often quarrel.
If this description is objective, it means that reality and belief have collided
Emotionally, I believe that there can be a good outcome, but the reality is that there are constant conflicts.
At this time, should we continue to "believe" that we can continue to walk, or should we take a good look at the problem?
Obviously, she chose the former:
Just quarrel, anyway, he promised me that I would be with me well, and it was much easier to get by than to solve the problem.
That's it, it's inevitable that little couples will quarrel and run-in, but in addition to these small problems, the big problems have not been solved.
It can be seen that in fact, not only the man's mother, but also the girl thinks that the situation in her family is "not very good", and she made it clear to her boyfriend before falling in love, but she is afraid that there will be hidden dangers when she sees her parents in the future, which shows that this matter has always been a thorn in her heart.
If I were this girl, I might have asked my boyfriend to mention this matter to my parents first and see their attitudes first, instead of just relying on my boyfriend's "two love will be fine", and the matter was delayed for more than a year, and when it came time to talk about marriage, I was broken up when I said that I was broken up.
She said, "He knows everything, and he told me to believe him."
If you have this kind of thinking, why don't you just end it in the first place";
I've always believed that we can be together, and you can give me a family complication now";
Just looking at these few words, what I know is that I am breaking up, and what I don't know is thinking that she has suffered fraud and is defending her rights.
I really wanted to shake her shoulder and tell her:
Why does he make you believe and you believe?
Obviously I feel unhappy, why do I want to keep it the same?
Why do you put the blame on the other party when something goes wrong?
Why is it that he is guiding you in everything, and you can't take the initiative to grasp the rhythm of this relationship?
Or is the root cause of the opening sentence "not young", so I am forced to barely survive until now?
Although this boyfriend is a bit inauthentic, Mi Li's mother thinks that it is better to be broken up before marriage than to be entangled after marriage.
With this girl's tangled and unassertive nature, if she really marries into her boyfriend's family, she really can't tell if she will be pinched and bullied.
From this incident, Mi Li's mother couldn't help but think of her friend's sister, a woman who had suffered domestic violence for 11 years.
At first, her husband would just push and slap, but her sister endured it.
But tolerance did not come in exchange for respect, but intensified, and the husband's atrocities became more and more unscrupulous, developing into slaps, kicks, and ......
In the worst case, she almost fainted.
Friends said that my sister often wore dark blue circles under her eyes and the corners of her mouth, but she also covered up that she accidentally bumped into it.
This sister has no children, and her personal conditions are also outstanding, not only graduated from a prestigious university, but also achieved a middle-level management position in the company, and she is fully capable of supporting herself.
However, every time she said that she couldn't go on, it didn't take long for her husband to forgive her husband again.
One of her most common words is: In fact, he is very good except for his bad temper.
At this time, my friend knew that her brother-in-law must have given her some "sugar-coated cannonball" again.
Many women are like this, especially good at putting filters on their partners:
Domestic violence is just a bad temper, cheating is just a moment of confusion, and chatting is just not holding ......
But in fact, these "beautifications" are just ways to avoid the important and trivialize.
In fact, this ostrich mentality will exist in many girls:
Obviously I mind something, I don't get along happily, I feel that something is wrong, and even something has a big problem, but I always keep quiet, avoid talking about it, don't face the problem directly, and don't take the initiative to make requests, and only pin all my hopes on the other party or time:
He will change it in the future, he promised that I would solve it, and it would be fine after a long time, and he would grow up ......
However, the subject of their expectations is always someone else, not themselves, and they never even think that they could have dominated everything.
The root cause is that they have always put themselves in a subordinate position, and under such a position, they are mixed with dependence, reluctance, and unwillingness, and finally stumbled by this kind of chaotic emotions.
Although the discipline of "three obedience and four virtues" has long been expelled from modern morality, its "long tail effect" still infiltrates every family with daughters today.
This sister is a typical example, although she has been excellent since she was a child, but her family taught her more, it is:
Girls just have to be obedient";
A woman who does not marry and have children is incomplete";
When you get married, you have to put your family first."
Subtly, she has become accustomed to being a "good girl" and is used to handing over the leadership to others.
Whether it is career planning or love and marriage, when to start, when to end, when to advance to the next stage, what is the bottom line, it is someone else's decision.
No matter how superior her external conditions are, she is always psychologically weak, so that she does not have enough confidence to make decisions on her own, and even attacks herself morally:
Am I being too selfish", "too cautious", and "too ruthless"?
I don't know when I suddenly realized that "good girl" is actually not a good word.
It means the transfer of power, the repression of the self, the loss of opinion, and the exacerbation of the victim's mentality
Instead of focusing on what you can control, you only blame others for their mistakes, but you are powerless to make any changes.
Good is good for everyone else, but bad for the girl herself.
In the past, Mi Li's mother always felt that now girls have the right to receive education, the right to compete in the workplace, and can achieve economic independence on their own, and even win the wealth of the sky, and they should be equally "tough" in their relationships.
However, I have gradually discovered that it is truly powerful to be able to not waver in the minds of outsiders, to be firm in what I need, to make decisive choices and to bear the consequences.
There was a god post on Zhihu that made people look at emo before, and the heroine in it was such a stable and ruthless character.
That night, the boy's mobile phone lit up, and the girl took it to see that it was a message from his female classmate, and the tone was cute and excited to share her daily life with him.
The girls flipped forward and found that in the past year, they had been chatting every day, from trivial life to favorite songs, and they would make appointments to eat together, help each other get couriers, bring meals, occupy seats, and repair computers.
The most breaking defense for her was on her birthday, when she opened her eyes after making a wish on the cake and found that her boyfriend was playing with his mobile phone.
At that time, she didn't notice anything wrong, and it wasn't until she looked at the chat history that she realized that her boyfriend was busy reading the message replying to a female classmate.
"I'm so scared that the power went out in the library," she said. ”
The girl later asked the boy with a crying voice:
In the 30 seconds I made my wish, were you worried that she was scared in the library, or did you wish she could accompany me for my birthday every year in the future?”
Before the boy could answer, the girl had already figured out the answer.
She quickly packed up her things, blocked all the *** with her boyfriend and left the place where they lived, and simply broke off the 8-year relationship neatly.
Later, although her boyfriend begged her countless times to change her mind, and even asked her parents to confess, the girl resolutely did not look back.
In fact, many people feel pityBecause the boy and the female classmate did not have any substantive deviant behavior, and there were no explicit words in the chat, that is, between the lines, there was a lot of concern and warmth of "friends are above, lovers are not enough".
It's impossible to talk about her boyfriend's cheating, but it's this kind of diaphragm that makes the girl leave without hesitation.
8 years of relationship, put on other girls, may be entangled, painful, reluctant, or believe in the sentence "The best thing to do is to turn a blind eye to the relationship" and give up, or maybe you will be persuaded by your boyfriend or family members to reconcile, and then get back together.
But she is extremely sober and decisive, she doesn't care what other people's value judgments about this matter, and no matter what her boyfriend says and does, she is only loyal to her heart, loyal to her own feelings, and cuts off all relationships that make her uncomfortable.
She said: I will not forgive him because he may be the best person to marry, nor will I have to find someone to tie the knot because of age and traditional ideas. ”
I don't know the full picture, so I won't comment.
Mi Li's mother doesn't want to evaluate whether this choice is worth evaluating or not, after all, feelings are very subjective.
But I am very impressed by the fact that the girl chooses to go so emotionally to this point.
Devoted when you love, categorical when you leave, and no nostalgia for sunk costs are qualities that many girls don't have.
remembered that after Mao Xtong broke Chen X's derailment, he also walked away without any delay, and he didn't stay for a night.
After the two talked, no matter how Chen X quibbled and ridiculed, Mao Xtong was quite sober and was not led astray by him at all.
Every question of hers is close to the scumbag, and every sentence hits the soul, leaving no emotion at all, leaving Chen X speechless.
Every time Mi Li's mother thinks of the conversation between the two of them, she can't wait to show it to all the girls who are cowering in love:
This is the best way for every girl to look in a relationship.
Be assertive and positional, be able to soberly assess the situation and control the trend, and boldly speak up about your thoughts and needs, without being swayed by any voices and standards around you
In my opinion, it is an ability and quality, not an innate character.
In fact, everyone has such potential, but in the so-called "values education" and "moral discipline", they have become more and more constrained and forward-looking.
There's a saying that's been popular lately:
The brave enjoy the world first.
In fact, high-quality, healthy emotional relationships also favor brave people.
Dare to fight, dare to express, dare to release, and are not afraid to leave.
May we all be brave people and enjoy the beauty of this world to the fullest.
About the author: @米粒妈爱分享 (welcome to pay attention), American returnee, Haidian parent, the author of "Parent-Child English Books That Affect Children's Lives" in the overall list of new books. Focus on the scientific parenting, learning and enlightenment of 0-5-year-old babies, as well as the world's novelty and good things recommendation, welcome to pay attention!(5-12 years old mother, please pay attention: @米粒妈频道).