Text: 360-degree psychology understands love and understands you better.
Teacher: Hello!
I have been following you for nearly two years, and a person will read a few articles in his spare time at night to experience the various states of life. I feel that your reply is particularly rational and direct, so that the audience can be clear. Today, I also plan to narrate a part of my mental journey, hoping to get a response, and at the same time as a kind of emotional catharsis for myself.
On December 22, 2023, the winter solstice, around 23:00, the coldest day of the year in the central region, when the temperature could be minus 4 degrees, I just lay down, but was pointed out the window by my most beloved and called "roll". I've lived for 50 years and I've never been treated like this by anyone. Riding on the road, I forgot to put on my hat and my forehead was tingling. Twenty minutes away, back to my home, my mother, who had already fallen asleep (I like to breathe when I sleep and don't close the door), asked, "Why did you come back so late?""I don't remember how I replied, I just felt that I was lying on the bed, my head was getting more and more painful, and I wanted to cry all night without tears.
On New Year's Day 2024, I am on duty at the company. More than 10 days have passed, and the quiet environment, the scene of her pointing out the window and yelling "roll" is clearer. This scene comes to life 3 or 5 times a day, and each time it is heart-wrenching. I don't know how much time this will affect me.
I decided to use words to vent it, hoping that I would not be bothered by this emotion, or that it would be okay to alleviate it a little. I met her and was introduced on a blind date. At that time, I had just been divorced for more than a year, and she was unmarried. One night in September 2007, we met for the first time on the playground of a college campus. She was very frank and directly said that her parents were not in good health and needed her to take care of her, and her younger brother had just entered the society, and the burden of the family was on her.
Both of us are from the countryside, and we have just worked in this third- and fourth-tier city in central China, and our wages are not high. I still have parents and daughters to bear. So it scared me off directly. But her kindness, filial piety, sincerity, and strength make me sincerely admire. So I asked for QQ and socialized like friends.
In the next five or six years, we didn't see each other much, and when she encountered an urgent matter at home or a rented house, a unit or a family, I would do a favor, drive and pick up, do some hard work, and have a meal by the way, and have a simple chat. It wasn't until 2013 that we learned that she had IVF and successfully conceived, and we had frequent correspondence.
She said that she wanted to be a complete woman, and now that she has the financial ability, she went to Beijing to buy Jingyuan for surgery. My daughter will be 12 years old, my parents can help take care of her when she goes to and from school, and her second marriage has been separated for more than a year, and she is talking about divorce. So at that time, in addition to going to work and traveling, I occasionally cared for and provided for my parents and children, and most of the rest of the time, I would go to her house.
I will accompany you for pregnancy tests, shopping, commuting to and from work, returning to your hometown, taking pregnancy photos, and visiting the confinement center. When the child was born, a babysitter was hired.
I remember when Dabao was more than a year old, she took her child to Shanghai for a meeting, and as a result**I said that it was inconvenient for the child to take to the venue, I specially asked for leave to fly over, play with the child, and then go home together the next night. I got divorced in 2016 and my daughter is in her third year of junior high school. My parents and children were all sick and hospitalized at that time, and I took 24 hours off work to take care of them in the hospital, and then I would accompany the elderly and children at my home during the New Year's holidays. The rest of the time will be with her and the children.
In 2016, she gave birth to her younger brother with the embryo she had been preserving, when she was 41 years old. I wonder about myself, I have always disliked little boys before, I think it is soft, it smells of milk, urine, it only cries, basically does not hug, does not tease, but at that time I thought Dabao and Xiaobao were very cute.
Especially since the child went to kindergarten, I gave full play to my advantages of being good at piano, chess, calligraphy and painting and various sports, leading the child to dig sand, climb trees, swing, fly kites, ski, learn to swim, fish, ride, build blocks, play basketball, skip rope, explain painting composition, singing, speech, composition skills, experience the sense of accomplishment of doing math problems, comment on the national heroes, ball king Pele, NBA Jordan in the movie, participate in children's class activities (sports meeting, class meeting, blackboard newspaper, The program will be performed), and help children with homework every day and holidays.
At the same time, let children experience the effect of concentration and procrastination, use rewards and punishments to cultivate children's self-management ability, simply improve each other's sense of responsibility of "doing what they say", and strive to promote a warm atmosphere of family interaction and ......participationToday, Da BMW is ten years old, and Xiao Bao is seven and a half years old.
From 0 to 10 years old, it is the most naughty and happy stage for every child, during which the guidance of parents directly affects the formation of personality, hobbies, logical thinking, treatment of others, etc., and even affects the child's life.
For the vast majority of my companionship, I treat myself as a big child, teaching and encouraging, and always participating in the children's learning and playing. Instead of being like many parents who take their children, let them play by themselves, and adults look at their mobile phones and take them home when they arrive. And there are fewer opportunities for children to have a father to learn and play.
This is the case with my own daughter's growth stage, when in addition to work, I played cards and drank tea with friends, and my awareness of taking children to learn to have fun was relatively weak. So over the years, my daughter and my two nephews, every time they see me interacting with Dabao and Xiaobao intimately, their expressions naturally show jealousy.
Including Erbao's cousin when he came to play at home, I also affirmed and encouraged the child many times to be smart as soon as he learned, and he didn't focus on Lego for half a day, and he didn't dare to ride a bicycle and ski, I have been taught;Dabao's male classmate I took to the playground next to the community, he had not played a large slide since he was 9 years old, and he was afraid, so I carried him down with him, so that he felt less scary and fun, and ...... to overcome the boy's timid obstacle (obviously his father took too little).Of course, in the past ten years of companionship, because of the child's crying and playful nature, I will also lose my temper, yell, beat, and sometimes leave it alone.
When she saw it, sometimes she acquiesced, and sometimes she grabbed it and showed me a face. In fact, she disciplined the child's temper, and the yelling was even more severe. But because I'm not the biological father of the child, I feel that I'm irresponsible and not true love.
This shouting "get out" is also derived from this. I am also a human being, I am a human being, I have emotions, it was so cold that day, they adults and children could sleep lazily on Saturday the next day, but I had to go to work, so I urged the child to do homework early again and again, the child looked at her expression, she did not express her position, and the child did not move. It was already half past ten, so I washed up and went to sleep. Half an hour later, she asked the child to come to me for homework, and the child rolled his eyes with a smug smile.
I said, "Don't you don't do it?"Now that I'm asleep, you come to me, and I won't do it. You close the door and go out. Then she rushed in and yelled. I'm a big man, how can I stand my self-esteem, and I immediately dressed and left.
Knowing and getting along with her, in the past 17 years, most of my situation and mood have been taken care of, after all, she is a woman, has a job and a business, someone is sophisticated, and she has to pull two children. My old people and children have always been polite to them.
Although her financial situation is much better than mine, our family has never needed her help in material life, and she has not taken the initiative to give anything emotionally and energetically. On the contrary, although I don't have much financial strength, when she needs to turn around, I immediately pay for it. In the company of children, I will not pick expensive ones like her, but I should spend small money (our family is more frugal and hates waste). I know that she feels uncomfortable with me in this regard, and teases me as an "iron rooster" in front of children.
There was no movement on Saturday, and on Sunday I had a day off, remembering that the day before yesterday I had promised my child to help him go to school to run a blackboard newspaper. I just WeChat and she told the child to come down and go to school with me. Took Dabao Xiaobao at school for more than an hour, she sent me a message to go to dinner, I didn't care, sent the children downstairs to watch them get into the elevator, I went straight back to my own house.
So far, there has been no dialogue between them. I wondered, shouldn't she take the initiative to apologize to me for this?Her self-esteem is so strong that she can't open her mouth?Or am I really not worth it in her heart?How many decades of life have you had, just letting go of each other?When the text is written here, the mood is much lighter, and the rest is confused. Ask the teacher to designate the maze!
My reply:The essence of marriage is cooperation。You look at your marital relationship, the two young children, although they are not your own, are also very good. Women also need you, a man, to take on the role of a father with their children.
Although the two children are brought by the woman herself, the relationship between you and the child is also okay, and at the level of real married life, women also need a male character like you to grow up with the child. In fact, marriage requires the roles of men and women to work together to raise children.
As for the woman's face you said, I think sometimes you also feel that these two children are not my own, so you think about it a lot. But from the perspective of marriage and your wife, a stable relationship between you is definitely good for life. I think the "roll" she said was more of a communication problem.
You are a delicate man who has a deep need for intimacy, or you still hope that there will be warmth, love and communication in marriage, I believe it will be realized. It's better to communicate well with your married wife, you can eat at the same table, then you can lower your posture appropriately and ease the atmosphere. Maybe in a few days, your relationship will ease again.
About author:360-degree view of psychology, psychological supervisor, counselor, psychology lecturer, gender relationship research scholar, emotional writer, deeply engaged in the field of psychology for more than 20 years, focusing on the improvement of women's wisdom, gender cognitive cultivation and intimate relationship building, to improve the modern men and women's sense of belief and cooperation in love and marriage for the concept, based on improving the quality of marriage between Chinese men and women, is committed to making China's marriage and family relations more stable, so that the modern society between the sexes can be healthier and long-term development.