Recently, a post titled "I was emotionally broken by my mother's self-moving dedication, and I couldn't even go to work" went viral.
What happened to make the poster so devastated?
It turned out that the poster's mother was going to visit her daughter in her city and asked her if she wanted to bring some pork from home.
The daughter made it clear that she didn't need it, and the mother agreed.
The next day, my mother said that she had bought 10 catties of pork freezer from the vegetable market, and her daughter said again that she didn't need it, but her mother didn't seem to listen.
The night before leaving, the mother asked her daughter if she would be overweight if she had pork in her suitcase.
The daughter once again emphasized that she must not bring it, the meat will spoil after such a long flight, and her mother agreed again.
As a result, on the day of the trip, the mother checked her luggage and called her daughter ** and said: She brought 15 catties of pork and was not overweight.
At that moment, my daughter said that she felt like something was exploding in her head, and she was very painful and angry.
For more than 20 years of her life, her own thoughts and wishes have been ignored, and her mother has always done something suffocating in the name of loving her.
She recalls her past experiences and finds that this behavior of her mother was not just once or twice, but throughout her upbringing:
enrolled her daughter in 10 cram schools, and then scolded her for wasting money, but her daughter didn't want to go to cram school at all, and she didn't get a good night's sleep in her entire school days
The daughter said that she wanted to eat vegetarian buns, and her mother agreed, but when her daughter came home from school, she took a bite of the buns and her mouth was full of zombie meat
The daughter wanted to eat tomatoes and make lo mein, and her mother asked if she wanted to put a spoonful of beef soup made of frozen zombie meat into it, and the daughter refused, but her mother still let it go
The mother asked her daughter if she wanted to send her some beef, and the daughter said no, but she still received a box of 80 catties of frozen zombie meat, and it took a lot of effort to drag it to the trash can downstairs.
*: In the comment area of Douban netizens, someone pointed out the problem of this mother with a sharp point:
A lot of her efforts are not what you need, she thinks you need them, and she wants you to cooperate with her to accept these, and if you don't accept her, she will scold you.
On the surface, she is the giver and you are the receiver, but in fact she is like a playhouse, and you are the rag doll that is at the mercy of her. ”
You try to communicate with her, but obviously, she refuses to communicate with you, she is immersed in her own narrative, she is immersed in the plot that she gives and you should accept. ”
*: Douban netizens.
There are too many such parents in life who don't understand people, refuse to communicate, are immersed in self-touching, and like to manipulate their children, I think it's good for you, but I don't think about whether you need it or not.
For example, the father who helped his elementary school daughter pack her schoolbag for the first time found that there was a ** written by her daughter herself in the schoolbag.
He did not praise his daughter's unbridled imagination, nor did he praise her daughter's perseverance in insisting on writing, but rushed straight into his daughter's room and tore up the manuscript she wrote 300,000 words in front of her daughter.
When the daughter tried to communicate about it again, the father just said lightly that he would bring up the math score and talk about whether he could write or not.
The daughter collapsed on the spot, and the father's face was still calm and breezy.
Another example is the father who feels that his son is being bullied and has been frantically asking what happened, when he finds a female coach teaching in the pool, he drives away a few children who are playing and asks them to play in the water elsewhere.
The father of one of the boys had been watching anxiously from the shore, and when the boy came ashore, he immediately rushed up: "What did the female coach say to you?".”
The boy didn't care at all, just said, "I can't remember."
This made the father anxious, and kept asking the female coach what she said, and finally annoyed the child and yelled at his father: "I really am!".I don't remember!”
Dad yelled angrily, "You didn't even know !! you were bullied."
Later, the father asked the other children, but the other children did not remember.
He relentlessly complained about the female coach, and when asked what the female coach had said, he was dumbfounded again.
Another example is the mother who opened the file bag that her daughter brought home without permission, but in the face of her daughter's collapse, the mother said, "You didn't say that you can't dismantle it, didn't you just dismantle it?"What's the big deal. ”
There is also a mother who opened her daughter's online purchase of a fascia gun without authorization, thinking that her 26-year-old daughter had bought an indescribable small toy, and beat her daughter without saying anything.
*: Zhihu netizens and mothers who want their daughters to apply for local orientation normal students steal the admission notice of Chinese opera to prevent their daughters from enrolling in ......
In life, whether it is between parents and children, between friends, between superiors and subordinates, or between the seeker and the seeked, etc., this kind of self-righteous and self-moving giving is often staged.
This kind of "for your good" self-righteousness is actually a kind of compulsive emotional manipulation. is nominally "good for you", but the subtext is to kidnap children with emotions to "listen to me".
There is no consideration of the actual feelings of the other person, let alone the real needs of the other person. Take care of yourself and give the other person what you think is good, and do what you think is good for the other person.
After paying, you have to complain a lot, so that the other party has a "sense of indebtedness" before being happy, so as to satisfy your "sense of sacrifice".
In the book "The Family of Origin", the characteristics of this type of manipulative parent are listed, such as:
*: "The Original Family" book cover Indirect control: often disguise manipulation as caring, saying things like "it's all for your good" and "I ...... because I love you"The words;
Direct control: Contains threats, intimidation, and humiliation. The child's opinion is worthless, and the child's needs and desires are irrelevant;
As adult children try to take control of their lives, they must pay a price—living with guilt, frustration, anger, and deep guilt;
In order to achieve the goal of controlling children, they will treat their children as children who are incapable and cannot do anything
In order to avoid direct conflict, he will put on a pitiful appearance in front of others and let others denounce him.
Compared with parents who are bitter and hateful and always like to talk about sacrifices, parents who grab ice cream from their children may be more loved by their children and can bring more happiness to their children.
Parenting comes from parents, but does not belong to parents.
The poet Gibran reminded a hundred years ago, "It is your love, not your thoughts, that you can give them, because they have a mind of their own." ”
But there are always parents who can't restrain their impulses, who want to control their children's lives and arrogantly believe that their children's choices are far inferior to their own arrangements.
I once watched a documentary, in which the mother panda taught the baby to climb the tree, the baby practiced repeatedly on the tree, climbed up and down, fell down and climbed, and there was always a mother waiting for it under the tree.
*: Picture of the monster One day, the panda mother under the tree saw the baby flexibly climb the high branches, turned around and left.
Perhaps, they will never see each other again in this life, because pandas are solitary animals, each has its own territory, and will not leave easily.
When it was determined that the baby had the ability to survive independently, the mother panda turned around and walked alone, leaving only a stumbling back.
Because, letting go is so hard.
There are so many kinds of love in the world, all for the sake of being together, but only the love of parents begins to point to separation.
Long Yingtai said: "The so-called parent-child game just means that your fate with him is to constantly watch his back in this life and this life. Moreover, he silently tells you with his back: you don't have to chase. ”
Letting go of life, which is decided by oneself, is the best gift that parents can give their children to grow.
Article**From Public Welfare China Network: *The source has been indicated, and the copyright category has been formally authorized, if you have any questions, please contact us.