Have you ever had such an experience?
Speaking in public, I was so nervous that I couldn't think of anything, and the whole person froze, like a fool;
When I attended the party, what I said immediately cooled down the field, and I regretted that I didn't keep my mouth shut just now
Every time I think back to these scenes, I feel "ashamed of the dead".
Deeper**, this actually involves an emotional feeling in our hearts: shame.
Shame is more than just a feeling
Shame is a very self-destructive emotion that is directly directed at the self and is often associated with the experience of being humiliated, ridiculed, embarrassed, timid, etc. On many occasions, we may experience a sense of shame that causes us to experience "I am such a failure," which triggers deeper feelings of pain. For example, people who feel ashamed will always unconsciously fall into self-attack. Compared with the guilt caused by "doing something wrong", shame makes people directly doubt their own existence, as if they "can't do anything well", "really rubbish", "deserve to be abandoned", and the self-attack triggered by shame brings more harm to themselves than guilt. Carrying a sense of shame for a long time can make our sense of self-worth shattered and chaotic: we constantly want to prove ourselves worth to others, while unconsciously believing that our existence is a problem. Of course, a moderate amount of shame can help us reflect and adjust our behavior, but overly devaluing our true selves can kill our vitality. 
Why does shame follow us?Faced with the same embarrassing thing, some people pass after a while, while others are swallowed up by shame and fall into negative emotions and can't extricate themselves, why is this happening?There are probably 3 reasons:
First, there is a lack of a supportive environment in the early years. Freud believed that an individual's early nurturing environment has an important impact on the psychological development of the individual, especially the relationship with the significant other, who can be the parent or the other primary nurturer. In a supportive environment, when a child feels frustrated or powerless, he or she will be tolerated and supported by his or her caregiver. However, if the child has not experienced enough attachment and has difficulties and conflicts in the early relationship with the caregiver, it is easy for the child to develop a sense of shame in the process of forming his inner self. Because they do not feel accepted, children will follow the example of their nurturers' ignorance, denial, or accusation, and turn the spearhead of attack to themselves to deny and question themselves. Second, the internalization of the parent's voice. In our culture, the most common thing is to criticize education, and to say that "good words are good for deeds", and sometimes it is just a high-sounding veneer of verbal violence. When we do well academically, there will be nitpicking criticism to prevent us from being proud;made a mistake and was ruthlessly counted down in public by the parents, so that we "know shame and be brave". * After these critical voices are internalized by us as a part of ourselves. Whenever we encounter frustration, these critical voices automatically rise from our heads, pulling us into a deeper sense of shame little by little. Third, excessively high internal standards and self-requirements. No one is perfect, and no one is perfect. People who are obsessed with perfectionism are more likely to be swallowed up by shame. They expect too much from their abilities and performance to tolerate the slightest mistake, even if it's a harmless slip of the tongue in a public report, or a conversation with a friend that they don't care ......aboutThey are perceptive to their own flaws and inadequacies, and at the same time perceive others as being eye-catching on their own mistakes. Many times, their small mistakes only need to be deducted 5 points in the eyes of others, but they continue to increase the weight, expand to 100 points, and then, fall into self-doubt and self-destruction. 
How to reconcile with shame?It is a protracted war to get rid of the excessive shame in yourself. We don't need to eliminate shame completely, but control it to a certain degree and frequency. See shame, reconcile with it, and let it be our alarm rather than our enemy or disaster. What can be done?First, see your own shame and find the source. Think about it: "What kind of scene evokes my sense of shame and what is my reaction?""This step is best done with the support of a professional, such as a psychological counselor, and of course, if you have a friend who is particularly trusting and tolerant and empathetic. Second, create an inner environment for self-sustainment. For perfectionists, we need to learn to accept our imperfections. It is necessary to realize that everyone will make mistakes and be frustrated, which does not mean that the value and ability of individuals are not good, and that human beings are making progress through continuous mistakes.
Tell yourself that although this thing is not done well, there are many other things that I do well, and I accept that this is a part of me, and that the whole person is good enough. Third, discover and transform the irrational beliefs behind shame. Aware that behind your shame, there are often unrealistically high demands, and whether you have to perform perfectly every timeFor example, I have a friend who degrades himself every time he is not satisfied with the completion of his work: if his ability is so poor, let's just mess around!But in fact, outsiders think she is very good and reliable, and they will often ask her for help. My friend's irrational belief is that she must complete every task to perfection in order to be recognized and not abandoned. We need to discover how these beliefs are generated, what troubles they cause in the present, what to do next, and try to continue to explore, analyze, and grow ourselves. If you want, try to study Xi psychology, learn Xi with the right guidance, reconcile with your shame, and let it be a help for you to move forward, not a hindrance. 