In everyday life, it is very common for a person to be more or less narcissistic. For example, when you complete a difficult task, you feel like you're goodWhen you have a lot of friends in social interactions, you will feel that you are good and popular with everyone;Or when we post on Moments and show off our achievements, such as sharing homemade handmade objects or exquisite cooking, they are all a feeling of self-appreciation. These are healthy narcissism, a part of our own function.
As the autopsychologist Kohut said, a person's life, from birth to death, has an inner need to be appreciated, seen, understood, and mirrored.
NPD, on the other hand, is an unhealthy form of narcissism.
One client, because she met an NPD type of lover, involuntarily had a lot of depression and self-doubt, which made her very painful in the relationship, but it was difficult to get out. She also realized that only through psychological growth and personality perfection can she fill the gap in her heart that she can have the strength to get out of this toxic relationship.
When you feel that NPD is far away from you, it is possible that you are lucky not to have encountered it;It's also possible that you've come across it and haven't found it yet. After all, they just have personality and psychological problems, and they don't really suffer from mental illness, so they look no different from normal people on the surface. At first, they will give you the impression of an image-oriented, confident and considerate person, and such a personality mask has won them the favor of many people.
It is only when they enter a deep relationship, because they want to dominate the relationship, that they can't hide their true colors. Using various methods such as triangulation, PUA, constant suppression, etc., to construct a false relationship world, so that the other party in the relationship gradually loses true judgment and becomes tame and submissive.
What makes the hurt person depressed is that friends who don't have a deep relationship with the NPD are often blinded by the surface of the NPD and have no idea what he really is. So, even if she went to complain to friends she knew together, these friends were hard to believe and very incomprehensible.
Why is there such a contrast?Some NPDs are very good at self-management, and they will only show their true colors when they have reached a certain depth in their relationship with a person and need to get narcissistic support from the other person. Just as people want to eat when they are hungry, they will starve to death if they don't eat, and for them they can't maintain their narcissism, they can't find narcissistic offerings, it's almost like starving to death.
Below, I will combine some cases of encountering NPD in intimate relationships, and talk to you about the real appearance of NPD, so that we can have a preliminary understanding of NPD.
First of all, after reaching a certain level of deep interaction, when you are struggling with pain, and your emotions and facial expressions are already obvious, you find that he is actually blind and very cold-blooded. You get the sense that they have no empathy at all. Although you have become intimate, every time you suffer, whether it is brought by him or the outside world, in the end, you will despair to find that everything can only be healed by yourself, and he is unwilling and unable to provide you with warmth and support.
At this point, NPD's inner monologue is: What's the matter with me?Your pain is your business, not mine. As long as I'm not in pain!
They can't put themselves in other people's shoes, and they can't take the initiative to comfort each other. They can't handle your emotions and are afraid to deal with your emotions.
When you quarrel over something, you will find that he is extremely stubborn and completely impossible to change. If you disagree with his point of view, he will refute you in various ways, and if you still don't listen, he will think that you have something wrong with your brain, and will even use words to constantly insult and suppress you.
At this point, NPD's inner monologue is: How could I make a mistake?It's everyone else who is at fault. I am the King of Knowing, Almighty, and if you do not listen to me, you will be punished.
They will see themselves as kings, like an emperor issuing a holy decree, not allowing others to question their opinions and opinions, hoping for unconditional obedience, and asking them to give up their personal will in favor of their own obedience.
They are often arrogant and invincible, showing their superiority side in front of you and needing to use your failures to show their success. With them, you always feel degraded and hit, and your self-esteem is frustrated until you believe that you are really bad.
NPD's inner monologue is: You are inferior to me in everything, you are the worst, I am the best.
In his imagination, the worse and more failed you are, the better and better he is.
If you've been with NPD for many years, looking back, you've given him a lot (time, money, energy, emotional value) and he's never actually done anything for you except talking. His extreme selfishness makes him want to encroach on others and not give for them. He felt that everyone else should meet his requirements, and that everything around him should revolve around him.
NPD's inner monologue is: My needs are the most important thing, and the people around me are there for me.
Long-term exposure to this pattern of relationships can make the other party in the relationship very draining, hurtful, and even have psychological problems.
In addition to the above patterns of NPD interaction in intimate relationships, they have another characteristic:
NPD produces narcissistic exposure when narcissism is hurt. This is different from the anger and anger of normal people.
Most people who have a conflict or unhappiness with someone close to them will usually express their emotions in a tantrum, argument, or angry way, not to the extent that it is particularly exaggerated. After all, it is reasonable for people to have emotions that need to be vented or vented, and the intrinsic motivation for expressing emotions is also the desire to be understood by the other person. After the emotions are digested, you will be able to get along with each other calmly, and you will not ruin your relationship because of one or two disagreements.
NPD is completely different, when you have a conflict, he will feel narcissistic frustration, which will produce great anger, which is several levels higher than ordinary anger "narcissistic outburst". When he experiences being violated, challenged, and narcissistic hurt, he feels a deep sense of shame and a fear that cannot sustain narcissism. If they can't bear it, they will instantly burst into a powerful rage, and they will not hesitate to use the method of "ending up together" to eliminate the unbearable narcissistic damage. Therefore, sometimes they even use violent actions to hurt others. The reason for his anger may be a trivial matter that normal people cannot understand.
Now, we have a preliminary understanding of what kind of person NPD is
He does not have empathy, he has no real feelings, he cannot feel the sadness, despair and any emotional needs of others, he cannot provide emotional support, and he cannot establish good deep relationships, he does not live in relationships, because in all relationships, he is the only one. The scary thing is that when they are hurt by narcissism, they also have a narcissistic outburst that can hurt people, and they express their emotions not to solve the problem, but to better make the other person retreat in the relationship. Fight for supreme power. Blindly gaining control in the relationship, making the other person submissive, agreeing, and praising themselves as a way to feed their pathological narcissism.
Original] Psychological Counselor Yang Mei Nanjing Senzhi Psychological Counseling Agency.