Today's parents are unprecedentedly responsible parents, who are ready for their children from the moment they are born, and their children's enrollment, further education, college graduation, and even finding a job and getting married, every link has the shadow of the precise planning of the parents.
Most parents want their children to grow up to be independent, autonomous, responsible, and self-motivated. But in fact, we are now seeing more and more news about the information that is exactly the opposite of this expectation.
Parents are already so responsible, but there are more problems such as anxiety and depression in children than before
The best education is to awaken the child's internal strength
Qu Gang, an expert in English education, once wrote a story in his blog:
He once hosted a mother from a small city in Sichuan, who brought her 12-year-old daughter to Beijing to learn English, and stayed for more than half a month, during which they had many exchanges. As the exchange deepens,Qu Gang found that the mother seemed to be looking for the best education for her child, but she was full of confusion about what a good education was.
Her daughters are excellent and well-known in her small city. But the mother said that her daughter's excellence came entirely from her mother's supervision and hard work. In the six years she has been in primary school, she has never relaxed her supervision, and if she relaxes, her children's grades will decline.
The mother said that she devoted all her energy to her daughter, taking care of her life every day, sending her to and from school, checking her homework after school, and supervising her to memorize Chinese studies and English words every day.
She has completely given up her job and devoted herself to her daughter's education. However, she is also worried that as her daughter gets older, supervision will no longer work, and she will not know what to do at that time.
After listening to this mother's troubles, Qu Gang said bluntly: "All the sacrifices and efforts you have made in educating your daughter can be described as touching, but unfortunately, you, like many parents in the world, have neglected one of the most important issues-Awaken the awakening of the child's internal force in life!
How to awaken the child's "internal force" awakening?
American psychologists William Stiksrud and Ned Johnson argue in their book "Self-Driven Kids" that we are raising the most anxious generation of children.
The authors suggest that since the '60s, stress-related mental disorders in children and adolescents have been on the rise in the United States, including anxiety, depression and self-harm. This has been particularly true in the past decade. They believe that the most important reason behind the increase in pressure on this generation of children is the reduced sense of control.
Think about it, isn't that the case?This generation of parents is an unprecedentedly responsible parent, from the moment the child is born, the child enrolls, goes on to higher education, graduates from college, and even finds a job and gets married, every link has the shadow of the precise planning of the parents. Children only need to obediently carry out the schedule set for them by their parents.
During the consultation, Stiksrud and Johnson saw more and more children, and their motivational patterns were at extremes. Either they are paranoid about wanting to succeed or they feel that all their efforts are meaningless. Many children feel tired, that they can't live up to their parents' demands no matter how hard they try, or that they don't have much say in their lives.
In short, most of them feel that they have no control over their lives.
Why do these children feel like they have no control over their lives?
The author analyzes many reasons, such as lack of sleep, social pressure, peer pressure, etc., but in the end, there is one thing, that is, children nowadays play less.
According to the explanation of human evolution, humans have a longer childhood than other primates, which is an evolutionary need. Humanity needs the chaos and chaos of childhood to explore the world and cope with the changing climate change. Childhood children have a strong ability to learn, and their curiosity, exploratory mind, and strong willingness to play are shaped by natural selection.
Through play, children learn key skills for long-term survival. For example, they play with their bodies, chase and fight, and thus develop their coordinated body movements, training their brain and body feedback. They play all kinds of games, ** and so on, and thus recognize the constancy of this world. Sometimes they play some dangerous games, moving forward in the dark, they learn how to overcome their fears and gain courage. They learn the ability to negotiate and communicate by playing tricks.
They gain a certain level of control in play, and that sense of control is the source of their inner motivation. In the free and purposeless play, the children's internal strength is gradually awakening.
But it is a pity that such a beautiful existence in the history of evolution, the chaotic childhood, has been replaced by a sophisticated and orderly modern education.
Another way to increase your child's sense of control is to add options. Let your child take the trick of a thing and give him a few options.
Last week I took my child to the playground to play, and when he left, he was going to play for a while, but he was going to leave without the last train. No matter how I explained it, he replied with just one sentence: "No, I'm going to play for a while." ”
In the end, I gave him a multiple-choice question: Do you want to walk to the station, run to the station, or roll to the station?
The child snorted and laughed, probably because he thought of rolling over. He said, "I'm going to run to the station."
When there is no other choice, adding options to the extent possible will make your child feel better, because there is always something he can control. In adolescence, children may be more rebellious and do everything against their parents, just to prove that "I can control myself, you can't control me".
Parents are the same, they also need to have choices and increase their sense of control. Try to see if both sides give each other a few options and things will be less complicated.
Trust that there are things you can control and things you can't control, and you should only focus on what you can control.
This sentence may sound like some chicken soup, but if you can really use it, you and your child may be better.