For the changes in the relationship between husband and wife, scientist John Gottman found that 69% of conflicts and problems between husband and wife will persist. This means that there are some irreparable differences in marriage. However, the happiness of a marriage does not depend entirely on these differences, but more on how the spouses deal with their differences, conflicts, and attitudes towards life.
In marriage, people often feel that the other person has changed after getting married. This is actually because in the early stages of a relationship, we tend to only see the good in each other, and this phenomenon is called ".Halo Effect”。However, as time goes on, the halo effect fades away, and we begin to see each other's shortcomings. As a result, we will have a feeling that the other person has "changed". But in fact, the other person has not changed, what has changed is the way we see the other person.
We need to have different strategies when dealing with the big and small things in a marriage. For major decisions, we should fully communicate and discuss with the other party to ensure that both parties can accept them. For some small things, we can adopt a more tolerant attitude and do not have to be too careful. In this way, the marriage can be more harmonious.
Take Yang Jiang and Qian Zhongshu as an example, their marriage is full of respect and understanding. Whether it is a major decision or a trivial matter in life, they can handle it with a peaceful attitude, which makes their marriage full of warmth and love.
That's exactly what it isYang Jiang and Qian ZhongshuThe way of marriage management.
Before making a big decision, they are always the first to communicate with each other.
After returning from France, Qian Zhongshu went to Tsinghua University to teach, while Yang Jiang took his daughter back to his father's house in Shanghai.
One day, Qian Zhongshu came back with a sad face and said that he had something to discuss with Yang Jiang.
Qian Zhongshu's father was invited by an old friend to Lantian in Hunan Province to help him establish the National Teachers College.
After that, his father repeatedly sent letters to Qian Zhongshu, wanting him to go to Lantian to be the head of the English department.
Under the persuasion of his father and family, Qian Zhongshu moved the idea of changing jobs.
But he didn't make his own opinion, but insisted on listening to Yang Jiang's opinion before making a decision.
Yang Jiang was deeply moved by his respect, and he also understood how important his position in his heart was.
And when faced with innocuous little things, they tend to laugh it off.
Qian Zhongshu and Yang Jiang **Internet.
Although Qian Zhongshu is a talented man who is rich and rich, he also has a clumsy and naïve attitude.
He couldn't tie a bow, couldn't tell the difference between his left and right feet, grabbed chopsticks like a child, and knocked out most of his front teeth when he first arrived in Oxford.
When Yang Jiang was hospitalized after giving birth to a child, he either smashed the lamp or broke the door shaft, making a mess at home.
But Yang Jiang didn't take everything seriously, and calmly replied "It doesn't matter" every time.
After returning home from the hospital, she silently repaired all the furniture and quietly solved these "messes".
Trust is built with respect, harmony is cultivated with tolerance, and their marriage is also smeared with a warm undertone.
In marriage, there is a basic principle:People who are able to maintain their self-balance are more likely to have a happy marriage. Those who have a happy marriage are already doing well in life. Marriage is only one of the smaller circles of life.
It's heart-wrenching to think of a true story told by best-selling author Meiya.
After graduating from a certain university, the girl Keiko went to Shanghai to look for a job. Because of the fierce competition for employment, she can only work in a low-wage and hard-working company with low ability. In order to save money, she and her female colleagues rented a simple and dilapidated partition room. The wooden floor is deformed, the cabinet door is broken, and eight people share a bathroom, and the living environment is extremely dirty and messy; In addition, she was bullied by customers from time to time at work and scolded by her leaders, and she was particularly depressed during that time. Desperate to get rid of her bad life, she married a sales executive who was eight years older than herself within half a year. Soon after her marriage, she became pregnant and became a housewife with peace of mind.
She once secretly rejoiced that with the "umbrella" of marriage, her bumpy life could be reversed. If you don't admit it, you don't have the ability to deal with the relationship between husband and wife and the conflict between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law. The pressure of childcare, the husband's ignorance, the mother-in-law's disrespect...She was almost out of breath. She wants to leave her family temporarily, but she doesn't have the ability to find a good job, so she can only be depressed all day long. Her misfortune was caused by herself.
She sees her partner as her "savior" and marriage as a refuge in life. In fact, marriage is nothing more than a part of life. Only when the great circle of life is complete and full, the small circle of marriage will always be protected. Once this cause and effect relationship is sorted out, the marriage problem will be solved.
Writer Bi Shumin said: ".Marriage is not only happiness, but also happiness between two people, but also life and death, or trials and suffering, a kind of destruction of familiar life and the establishment of a new model. "Behind a high-quality marriage, both parties have the ability to control their own lives and manage them well. Instead of racking your brains to maintain your marriage, you should broaden your landscape and focus on more far-reaching personal growth. Life is complete, and marriage is not too bad.
I've heard the saying: ".Marriage is a combination of love, responsibility, and spiritual growth, and all three are indispensable.
Insist on discovering each other's strengths, and love will not disappear with the passage of time;
If you are calm and calm in the face of major events, the relationship will not be weakened by the trivialities of life;
Enlarge the pattern and vision of life, and the marriage can be stable because of each other's maturity.
Holding each other's hands among thousands of people is a fate that is hard to find in the world. And if you want to join hands for a lifetime, you have to take the necessary responsibilities, cultivate the wisdom of getting along, and nourish each other's lives.
Therefore, for a happy marriage, we need to understand and accept the irreparable differences in our marriage, and at the same time, we need to learn how to deal with differences and conflicts. Only in this way can we have a happy marriage.