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What is the criterion for a child to be "not lacking in love"?
Teacher Li Yinhe:
Regarding the standard of "no lack of love" for children, I think soThe tone of his values should be love, not hate.
There are many families (and this is the case all over the world) when they raise their children, they are talking about hatred from an early age, they should hate this, they should destroy that, I think we should first let children fill their hearts with love.
Then there are two kinds of "love", one is small love, and the other is big love.
The standard of love is to love parents, family, relatives and friends. Sociology has a very famous tutor calledFei Xiaotong, he is also my own mentor, and he came up with a theory called"Differential order pattern"., to say that the basic social relations of every Chinese are like a small stone thrown on the surface of a lake, and the surface of the water will produce ripples in circlesThe core in the middle is himself, then family, relatives, friends, strangers, ......
The social pattern of the Chinese is like a ripple of water centered on itself, pushing farther and farther, thinner and thinner, and can be stretched and retracted, and it produces different circles with the changes of time and space in which they live. So in China, it is easy for children to know what "little love" is.
At the same time, great love should also be instilled in children. What is great love?For example, love the society, love the world, and love the motherland. Western ** teachingsYou have to love your neighbor, that is, he is not from your family, he is a neighbor of yours, and you should love him too. From one's own side, self-cultivation, family harmony, governing the country, leveling the world, loving our long-standing culture in China, and loving human beings, this is great love.
Teacher Shen Yi: Mr. Fei Xiaotong's "Differential Order Pattern" is a chapter in "Rural China", which is the first book that high school students must read when they enter school, and I recommend you to read it.
When it comes to love, it's actually very simple, and I'm more down-to-earthHow do you let your child experience love?
If your child comes home and the parents keep complaining to the child, for example, your mother is so annoying, your father is drinking again, how angry he is at work;Or if there is a new teacher in the new semester, the first reaction of parents is not that we will find out what new things and new happiness are together, but that the new teacher is not as good as the old teacher ......An unintentional complaint from parents can make children look at the world critically.
If he develops this picky Xi, he may be unhappy every day if he is close, and his values, outlook on life and even his future family life are estimated to be difficult to achieve happiness.
So when it comes to this standard of love, there is no shortage of loveThe most important thing is that we have to Xi the habit of treating children with love, so that they can see more warmth in life.
How to express love ?
Teacher Li Yinhe:
There are indeed cultural differences in the expression of love. To take my own example, during my six years of studying in the United States, when I looked at the family relationship between Americans, they often said "I love you", saying this to their lovers and parents. As a result, when I returned to China, I said "I love you" to my mother, and I was very embarrassed when I said it.
We Chinese are more reserved, not too Xi to tell our parents that I love you, think that it is good to have actions to show it, and even lovers do not say much I love you. So I think this question, first of all, is not a question of how to express love, but a question of whether there is love or not.
We should tell our children that you live in the world and that you can't just love yourself, you have to love others. In the future, if he wants to establish an intimate relationship with someone, then tell the child that they want to love, and I think it is more important than how to express love.
Teacher Shen Yi:On the one hand, it is to let the child express it, and on the other hand, it is to act on the behavior. Including when I was a homeroom teacher in school, at the end of each semester, I asked my children to write a small note of thanks, I said you can thank anyone you want, everyone wrote three articles, and then they thanked everything, parents, teachers, classmates, and thanksgiving for the heating in winter. In fact, it is a way for your child to feel what others have given him and how he should respond.
Now there is a popular saying that parental love is the biggest dowry for their daughters. I think the best dowry is not only to let the child express, but also to have a relatively harmonious family relationship, warm and harmonious, in order to give the child a sense of security and happiness. In fact, have you noticed that if your parents in your family are particularly supportive of you, this child will have confidence, I recently watched a TV series, there is a girl who is particularly miserable, her husband cheated all their money away, and also owes a lot of debt, and then ran away with the heroine's best friend, but the heroine still went to work in the company with a smile and went to solve the problem. At the same time, the heroine has a good friend, and this girl is also a lawyer, but this girl's family, when she was very young, said that she was a loser, and she had to make money for the family, so she didn't have the confidence to do anything she wanted to do.
On the contrary, although the heroine's life is very unfortunate, because her parents support her 100%, she is very brave in everything she does. So I think a good home is a place that gives people motivation and warmth.
Teacher Li Yinhe:
Words are better than examples, every child has been a blank slate since he was a child, so he will observe his parents, if the two husbands and wives quarrel all the time, the child will feel insecure.
I remember a couple I surveyed, they didn't have a very good relationship, and once they had a fight in front of their children, and one of them said, "It's okay to divorce, what about this child?".When the boy heard this, he burst into tears, because he felt that his parents' bad feelings were because of him, and he would bring this guilt to himself.
So I think the love of parents is indeed very important to children, if the parents have a good relationship, then the child's sense of security will be high, if the parents are not in harmony, then the child will sometimes leave a shadow. The unfortunate person uses his whole life to ** childhood, he is very entangled all his life, he uses his whole life to ** his childhood trauma, and sometimes although he is very tired of this life, he will invisibly carry the imprint of his family, and then slowly reproduce this kind of life, children are also particularly prone to divorce, this is regular.
Teacher Shen Yi: My cousin, she was admitted to university in Beijing, she had a Beijing hukou, but she was a student studying in other places, and then when she was about to take the university entrance examination, my aunt rented a hotel near the examination room for her in order to make it more convenient for her to enter the examination room, in fact, this is still a very luxurious thing.
The next day is about to take the college entrance examination, and my aunt looked at my cousin very seriously when she was leaving"It's just for you that I sacrificed so much, and it costs money and effort, so you must study Xi well, and I do all this for you. ”
Maybe this kind of expression also makes the child's heart feel very stressful, so I always remember this incident. We often say that others are your mirrors, and your attitude towards others affects both others and yourself.
How parents control
How much do you love and protect your children?
Teacher Li Yinhe:
I thinkFirst of all, it is not possible to satisfy the child infinitely. Many parents will fall into the misconception that if I don't satisfy my child, I can't live with him. I don't think that's the case, I have to give him a bottom line.
The second point is to set rules from an early age. For example, you can't lie under any circumstances, people must at least have some principles of life, I see that there are many people chasing after children to feed, this is not recommended, you have to set up some basic rules, everything that children can do by themselves, as much as possible to do their own, such as some housework.
Third, don't be graded. Treating children as friends, rather than the Chinese Xi monarchy, courtiers, fathers and sons, is a very fatal thing. You and the child's personality is equal, we must guide the child, encourage the child to say to the parents I love you, but also guide the parents, encourage the parents to say to the child that I am wrong, sorry, this is the real family harmony.
Fourth, give your child love, don't try to reciprocate. Many of our parents in China especially want to reciprocate, thinking that it is a kindness for me to give birth to you and raise you, and you will have to get a return when I am old in the future, and he raises children like a pension investment.
Fei Xiaotong also specifically talked about this topicOne of the differences between our parent-child relationship in China and the West is that China calls it the "feedback model" and the West calls it the "relay model". What does that mean?Even Chinese parents will think that it is a great favor for me to give birth to you and raise you, and you must repay and provide for me in the future, and it has been written into the "Civil Code", and the law says that if the son does not provide for his parents, his parents can sue the court.
I think that this "feeding model" is actually formed under the influence of traditional culture in agricultural society. In our China, during the period of agricultural civilization, 10% of the peasants have no life after they are old, if the son does not provide for him, he does not have the means to support himself, the region is not mobile, and the auxiliary institutions of the society are not perfect, and he has no pension, no pension, and the child pension is a rigid need.
However, in the West, after parents raise their children, the law does not say that children must have the obligation to feed their parents, so he is the previous generation to raise the next generation, and the next generation to raise the next generation, it is a "relay model". I think this is because after they enter a modern and industrialized society, the elderly generally have pensions and pensions.
So after China is becoming more and more modern, slowly I think the thinking of Chinese will also shift from this "feedback mode" to "relay mode", if everyone has a pension pension, more care about the children's spiritual and emotional giving.
Children who have been hurt by their family of origin
How to Build Healthy Intimate Relationships?
Teacher Li Yinhe:
Let me make two points. The first point is that in China's intimate relationships, many of our traditional Chinese families do not value feelings, which is indeed a not very good tradition in China.
In ancient times, in our marriage, we paid attention to the words of the matchmaker of the parents, many people did not have a little affection before marriage, and then the hijab was revealed, so that the two parties could know that each other was good-looking and ugly, and they had never been in love or had emotional communication before marriage, which is the reason why we have many parents who have no feelings until now.
Therefore, if a child who is influenced by the original family wants to have a healthy and intimate relationship, then the future marriage relationship must be emotionally oriented, and he must find someone he likes and has feelings for.
The second point is that the traditional family is generally dominated by men and women, and men are inferior to women, and if you want to get rid of the influence of traditional families, you have to find oneA person who is completely equal to his own personalityIt will be more beneficial for yourself to build a modern, loving, and healthy intimate relationship.