Mo Yan once said: "If a person is irritable and indifferent to his relatives and kind and enthusiastic to outsiders, it does not mean that they are not filial, but often have these two reasons." These words are like a mirror, reflecting the complex emotions and behavior patterns that may exist in our daily lives. Why do some people seem irritable and indifferent to their loved ones, but show kindness and warmth to outsiders?What kind of psychological mechanism and reasons are hidden in this?
First, the gap between dependence and expectation.
Loved ones, as the closest existence in our lives, share the close bond of blood and life with us. This special relationship makes us have higher expectations and dependence on our loved ones. We expect our loved ones to understand us, support us, and even lend a helping hand in our time of need. However, when these expectations are not met, or when loved ones are unable to meet our needs, disappointment and frustration can arise.
This disappointment and frustration can lead us to negative emotions and behaviors towards our loved ones, such as irritability, indifference, and even distantness. Because we believe that since our loved ones cannot understand or support us, then their status and value in our hearts will also be reduced. In the face of outsiders, because we do not have such expectations and dependence, we are able to look at them more objectively, showing friendliness and enthusiasm.
2. The influence of roles and stress.
In the family, each person plays a specific role and bears corresponding responsibilities and obligations. These roles and responsibilities can sometimes stress us out and even make us feel suffocated. When confronted with our loved ones, we may exhibit negative emotions because we can't get rid of these roles and stresses. For example, a father who is under a lot of pressure at work may lose his temper with his child over some trivial matter when he comes home, not because he does not love his child, but because he cannot get rid of the stress of work in a short period of time.
However, when dealing with outsiders, we can temporarily break free from the shackles of family roles and engage with them with a more relaxed mind. This light-hearted mindset makes it easier for us to show kindness and warmth. At the same time, since outsiders are not directly related to us, we do not need to bear too many responsibilities and obligations, which further reduces our psychological burden.
3. How to balance the attitude towards relatives and outsiders?
First, we need to recognize that the duality of treating loved ones and outsiders is not an isolated case, but a reflection of the complexity of human emotions. We should learn to understand and accept the different attitudes and behaviors that we and others may have when dealing with our loved ones and outsiders.
Second, we should try to adjust our mindset and behavior. For our loved ones, we can try to lower our expectations, increase communication, understand each other's difficulties, and face them with a more tolerant and understanding attitude. We can be kind and welcoming to outsiders, but at the same time, we can be careful not to over-give or take responsibility so as not to put unnecessary pressure on ourselves.
Finally, we should learn to find a balance between loved ones and outsiders. This means that we need to care for ourselves and others while caring for our loved ones. Through continuous self-awareness and adjustment, we can gradually learn how to show more mature and stable emotional attitudes and behavior patterns in different situations.
This passage of Mo Yan reminds us that the human emotional world is complex and diverse. We may exhibit different attitudes and behaviors towards our loved ones and outsiders for a variety of reasons. But the key is to recognize these reasons and work to adjust our mindset and behavior to achieve a more harmonious relationship.