Why does nonviolent communication make people's communication more harmonious?
Before that, let's discuss why a small thing that can be explained in just a few words can lead to a quarrel and even a fight
I was traveling in Hainan, driving and waiting for a red light, I saw two people riding electric cars parked together, one was a takeaway brother, the other was an uncle, in the car I saw that they just said a few words and then began to argue, the language was loud and fierce, and even got out of the car to confront each other, and finally had a fight. By the time the green light was ready to pass, they hadn't calmed down their anger and blocked the traffic.
The two men engaged in a standard violent communication, neither understanding the other, pushing each other away.
1. Moral judgment
You're just too egoistic", "Why don't you love cleanliness so much", "You're just too lazy to study well", "It's not right for you to do this".
When you see someone driving faster on the street, you think that the other person is "in a hurry to reincarnate", and when a driver sees someone who has crossed a zebra crossing walking slowly, he thinks "don't get in the way if your legs and feet are inconvenient".
Similar words and situations usually occur when the words and actions of the other person do not correspond to our own values, and these words belong to the form of duty, insult, labeling, and criticism.
We say this all to judge right and wrong, to judge whether they are normal or abnormal, whether they are smart or stupid.
We are full of thinking that the other person's character is not in line with our own values, and we are always judging the behavior of others. At the same time, we also judge our own behavior, if we do something wrong, we will blame ourselves, and if others do something wrong, we will pursue their problems.
However, when we criticize others and ourselves, we are essentially just expressing our own values and needs.
It's too selfish: it is to express "I" think you should be generous, which indirectly shows my value that people should be generous....Many of these cases can be interpreted in this way.
But such expressions often cause resistance and defensiveness on the part of others. Even if someone else follows your advice, it can only be guilt and shame. And not from the heart. They lose their dignity and pay an emotional price for such words. There will always be gaps in his heart. This gap will only widen, and eventually your relationship will break down or drift away.
Studies have shown that violence is more frequent in areas where moral judgment words are used. In areas where people are more concerned about human needs, there are far fewer violent incidents.
The verbal violence of the relationship between mother-in-law and daughter-in-law, husband and wife, siblings, and relatives all stems from the fact that no one understands anyone, only cares about exporting their own values, and judges each other's morality, which ultimately leads to no one wanting to see anyone, and when they meet, they are yin and yang, and they blame each other...Whoever lives such a life is sad.
2. Make comparisons
How to make yourself sad and sad?
Compare yourself to people who are better than you. Compared with people who are in better shape than yourself, taller in appearance than you, and singing better than yourself, you will soon think that your life is a failure.
However, when you compare yourself with your classmates in the middle and senior positions of the company, ordinary friends who already have small assets in business, or someone you look down on suddenly turns over and achieves something, will the kindness in your heart disappear, leaving only resentment and jealousy?
3. Shirk responsibility
I had to do it", "I am not responsible for this", "My guilt is all because of you" can downplay the responsibility of your actions. With these words, we easily shirk the responsibility for our thoughts and actions.
We are accustomed to passing the buck to external factors:
"Ambiguous external factors".4. Ask others to do thingsI cleaned my room as I had to do.
"Personal condition, medical diagnosis, physical or psychological history".
Because I have an alcohol addiction, I like to drink.
"The conduct of others".
He made me do it.
"Authoritative command".
That's what our boss meant.
"Group pressure".
That's what they all say.
"Institutional Policies, Bylaws, Regulations".
It's the school system, and I can't help it.
"Gender Role, Social Role, or Age Role".
I'm a man, and I'm going to stand up to the sky.
The boy has tears and doesn't flick.
Girls should be at home. Girls don't run around at night.
"An irrepressible impulse".
I didn't restrain myself, so I ate an extra bowl of rice.
Expressing our demands in the form of demands for "commands" generally comes from those in positions of power. As teachers, parents, managers (supervisors) and other roles, these people who have authority will make others obey the rules, make others obey their own requirements, listen to their own words, if they don't listen, they will let this person know that he is "powerful", let him know the stupidity of "not listening to the old man, suffering in front of him".
So all kinds of stupid words that let others know that they don't listen to themselves come out, "I eat more salt than you eat", "I have crossed more bridges than you have walked"...to show yourself right.
However, the end of these words is not heartfelt obedience, but quarrels again and again.
5. Reward and punishment thinking
deserved" thinking. "He deserves to be punished for what he did. ”
This kind of thinking often implies that whenever someone does something indiscriminately, they should be punished, and the person who has done so should repent and make a change.
However, when we don't know what others really think in their hearts and only rely on our own speculation to figure out others, we ourselves are actually the perpetrators. Both to others and to oneself.