The longest-lasting relationship between people should be indifferent, ruthless, and cool
In interpersonal relationships, you can be at ease without reluctance, and you can get rid of troubles without being stubborn.
True detachment, always like to wear the cloak of enthusiasm;But true enthusiasm is often accompanied by the pace of alienation.
We used to think that warmth was indispensable for maintaining relationships.
However, after experiencing the vicissitudes of the world, understanding the sinister human heart, and experiencing setbacks and traps again and again, we gradually understand:
Keeping a certain distance and grasping the balance is the smartest way to get along with others.
In this chaotic and noisy world, a truly lasting relationship is often a little indifferent, a little firm, and a little calm.
Indifference is beautiful.
Osamu Dazai once said in "Human Disqualification": "No matter who you are, being too enthusiastic will only increase the chance of not being taken seriously." ”
Being kind to others and being too intimate will make your efforts cheaper, and eventually lead to the futility of genuine giving.
reminds me of the story of Andy Lau and actor Du Wenze.
In 2002, the two met while filming "Infernal Affairs" and soon became friends.
When Du Wenze got married, Andy Lau not only gave expensive gifts, but also took the initiative to act as the best man and organized a lively wedding.
When Du Wenze was in trouble, Andy Lau reached out to him as soon as possible and rented his mansion to him at a low price.
However, when Du Boon Chak planned to shoot the film "Isabella", he encountered a financial bottleneck.
After hearing the news, Andy Lau didn't say a word and invested millions of Hong Kong dollars, paving the way for him.
However, the box office of the movie was extremely bleak, and all the investment was wasted.
So, Du Wenze wanted to make a sequel, but when Andy Lau advised him to change the project, he was disgusted by Du Wenze.
Du Wenze actually spread Andy Lau's evil words, saying that he was a treacherous villain.
Andy Lau was furious and cut off contact with Du Wenze.
Many times, you will do everything you can to someone, but you are likely to receive a deep betrayal.
Lin Qingxuan said in "Cool Bodhi": "When the world is quiet, you will see, and if people are light, they will be long." ”
Between people, a moderate amount of indifference can make the relationship more lasting and allow both parties to remain sober.
Actor Chen Daoming also shared his experience of making friends.
He admits that he doesn't get too close to any of his friends and doesn't like to get too close to them.
Whenever a friend talks about private matters, he is not only not interested, but also takes the initiative to stop it.
He said: "True friends, when they really dig out their hearts and lungs, parting is not far away." ”
For decades, he never maintained a close relationship with his friends and rejected the excessive enthusiasm of others.
This cold personality did not alienate others, on the contrary, everyone who had dealings with him felt that it benefited a lot.
Bi Shumin said: "Intimacy and keeping a certain distance may be the most appropriate way to communicate with people. ”
A relationship that starts out too hot may not lastAnd a moderate amount of indifference does not necessarily lead to a rapid separation.
To be kind to others, you don't have to blindly please or force to pander.
A good relationship is often cultivated in indifference, and it flows in calm.
Be ruthless. Have you ever experienced such a situation in your daily life?
An acquaintance needs your help in a difficult matter, and although you don't want to, for the sake of face or other reasons, you finally agree, only to end up in endless busyness.
You can't refuse when you have a colleague who comes to you for help, so you have to continue to work overtime to deal with other people's affairs.
Your friend borrows money from you, and you feel embarrassed by your sensational words, so you use money from your own living expenses to help him get through the trouble.
You always agree without hesitation in the face of other people's requests, which not only makes you feel a heavy burden, but also causes the relationship to gradually lose clear boundaries.
As Bai Yansong said:
Why do others care less and less about you?Because it's too easy for you to say nice things. No matter what it is, as long as someone comes to you, you always say yes, no matter what the other person needs, as long as you can do it, you will not hesitate to give. ”
No matter how good the relationship is, if you keep compromising and making concessions, it will only make getting along more and more exhausting.
In his early years, when Qi Baishi was just emerging to prominence, a friend named Li Huizhi suddenly came to him to ask for advice on painting.
Out of respect for his past friendships, Qi Baishi did not hesitate to pick up a paintbrush and create a painting for him.
However, it didn't take long for Li Huizhi to find him again, this time with a request to paint a huge carp.
Qi Baishi felt very unhappy in his heart, but he still finished the painting head-on.
Subsequently, Li Huizhi asked him for painting advice for three days, and other friends also came to ask for paintings after hearing about it.
Qi Baishi was fed up with such troubles, and would rather hide outside all day than go home to face his friends.
In the end, he plucked up the courage and posted a notice in the living room: "There is no love for selling paintings, and a gentleman is ashamed, please pay according to Runge." ”
Regardless of the intimacy, if you want him to paint, pay the fee first, otherwise don't ask for it.
This approach avoids the complicated entanglement of interpersonal relationships, and his friends have a more respectful attitude towards him.
In the movie "The Godfather", there is such a classic line:
Soft-heartedness without boundaries will only allow the other party to take advantage;Unprincipled kindness will only make the other person do whatever he wants. ”
Interactions between adults need to be kind, but there must also be clear principles, and there must be a bottom line for giving.
In many cases, it is better to stick to the principles at the right time and be decisive when necessary.
Only by clarifying the bottom line of getting along can we maintain a good relationship for a long time.
Moderately unrestrained.
Someone once asked a question on the Internet: "What is the most comfortable state to get along with people?"”
There is a much-praised answer: "Neither self nor lack of others, each of them is safe, and neither owes the other." ”
A good relationship should avoid being too detached and awkward, nor should it become a burden by being too close.
Not long ago, writer Li Xiaoyi invited Professor Yi Zhongtian to participate in her live broadcast.
A few days later, a friend of hers asked her to ask Yi Zhongtian for an autograph.
Li Xiaoyi responded: "I'm very sorry, I can't do it, and I don't have Mr. Yi's WeChat. ”
The friend felt a little strange and asked, "You are friends, how can there be no ***?".”
Li Xiaoyi explained that Teacher Yi is in her 70s, and adding one more person to the address book will become more chaotic, and it is better to keep it clean.
Therefore, she did not take the initiative to ask to add Mr. Yi's WeChat, and conveyed something through the editor.
Such a *** maintains the possibility of communication, but does not disturb each other in normal times, but makes each other more comfortable.
When we are young, we tend to try to get closer to each other through frequent contact and interaction to maintain intimacy;
However, as time goes on, we come to realize that keeping a proper distance and leaving some gaps may be the best way to value a relationship.
As Liang Shiqiu said in "On Friendship": "The friendship of gentlemen is as light as water, because it is light and can remain fresh, so it has durability." ”
In fact, the ideal relationship is one in which both parties can maintain a moderate level of indifference.
It doesn't require seeing each other every day, and there's no need to deliberately look for topics to chat with.
On the contrary, even if you haven't seen each other for a long time, when you meet face-to-face, you can still talk easily, without inhibition or awkwardness.
There's a saying that's well said:
The best state of a relationship is one in which you care about each other, but each of them remains casual.
When together, it's natural and cheerful;When we're not together, we're fine.
Any relationship, if not forced, will not feel burdensome;If you don't get too persistent, you won't be hard.
Being moderately indifferent, moving with your heart, and following your relationship is the most ideal way to get along in interpersonal relationships.
In psychology, there is a concept known as the "quenching effect":
"Quenching" is a crucial step in the metalworking process, when the metal is heated to a certain temperature, it must be cooled to improve its hardness and wear resistance.
In relationships, too, long-lasting relationships require mutual warmth, but also proper cooling.
Intimate and moderate, familiar and not crossing the boundary, is the most reassuring way to get along.
Give it a thumbs up, and may we be able to grasp the degree and distance of getting along, so as to gain a truly comfortable and lasting relationship.