In 1990, I joined the Shandong Pesticide Research Institute as a pesticide researcher. When I first entered this new field, I was full of enthusiasm to contribute to the development of domestic agriculture. During my work, I discovered that there was no cheap and efficient herbicide in our country at that time. Most farmers rely on manual labor to remove accumulated weeds, which is quite time-consuming and energy-consuming. 
Only then did I realize that the development of a herbicide with good and low effectiveness would greatly improve the efficiency of agricultural work in our country. So, with the support of the director, I led the team to devote themselves to this research. During the day, we immersed ourselves in test-tube experiments, and at night we soaked in the library to study materials. Several times I fell asleep with my head up, and was woken up by the librarian. After a sustained effort, we were able to make a breakthrough in the trial – a herbicide called paraquat was developed. When paraquat first started to pay off, I was ecstatic. I know very well that my hard work has not been in vain, and the results of this research will greatly benefit the vast number of farmers in China. This sense of joy and accomplishment came spontaneously and became the driving force for me to work tirelessly. 
In 2000, paraquat began to be used on a large scale in China. At first, I was ecstatic to see that the results of my painstaking research had benefited so many farmers. The sight of paraquat being used everywhere in the field adds to my sense of accomplishment, like a mother watching her child grow up healthy. However, the good times were short-lived, and news of paraquat deaths continued to appear. It turns out that paraquat is a double-edged sword, and some desperate people are also used as a tool for suicide. I realized another impact of my work, which made me both happy that my research had been recognized and worried that it was being misused and murderous. 
In a hurry, I added dyes and pungent odours in the hope of reducing the appeal of paraquat as a poison. However, the decider at the last moment of life does not care about the color and smell of the drug. More suicides made me realize that my improvements were useless, and that lingering sense of anxiety tormented me. I am happy and sad and mixed with joy. As time went on, there were more and more reports of paraquat causing deaths, and the feeling of self-blame grew stronger. In the past few years, as long as I hear about the relevant news, it is like being hit hard, and my whole person is in a state of extreme vulnerability. I know the cause of all this is the paraquat that I developed. I've asked myself a thousand times if I could turn back time, would I still choose to study itI told myself over and over again that my intentions were good, but I couldn't help but cry when I thought about the lives that had passed away because of my research. 
In 2016, paraquat was banned by the state, and all production and sales were stopped. I knew it was the right decision, but I still couldn't calm down the regrets and self-blame. I often have long sleepless nights and wonder how painful and angry the bereaved family members areAnd the culprit for all of this is the paraquat that I developed. The article details several typical cases of paraquat deaths, which further deepened my self-blame and pain. A 20-year-old man didn't want to accept the breakup, so he swallowed half a damn bottle of paraquat and ended his life in agony. A 13-year-old girl who had an argument with her parents chose the same desperate path. 
Others were tricked into drinking paraquat and, although they were lucky enough to save a small life, suffered from illness for the rest of their lives. Every time these vivid cases come to my mind, they are like an invisible sharp knife, piercing deep into my heart. I would even have nightmares about myself being besieged by these dead people, wailing and questioning my sins. Every time I woke up from a nightmare, I was shivering and sweating. I know I deserve it, because I am the one who caused their death. I am also reflecting on what cost, what kind of atonement, can we comfort the lives lost and the people they loveThese cases are a reminder of how precious life is. 
Chewing on my experiences over the years, my inner journey has been a roller coaster. From the excitement of developing paraquat to the guilt and pain of my own life, I felt like I was living two very different lives. I understand that my intentions are good, and I want to contribute to domestic agriculture. I am also glad that my research has been confirmed. But with the moral judgment of the end of my life looming, I had to face up to the other effects of paraquat – taking innocent lives. If I could have been one step ahead of the potential harm of this double-edged sword, would I have been able to avoid all kinds of tragedies later?This powerless frustration filled my heart. I have also repeatedly introspected and reflected on what kind of responsibilities and responsibilities a scientific researcher needs to have in order to avoid out-of-control technology and evil. 
After the paraquat incident, I am no longer the scientist I used to be when I was looking for research. I understand that the development of technology cannot be done blindly, it needs to carefully consider the impact of each link. That's the lesson I want to convey. There is much more to paraquat than just a few words. As a party, I believe it is necessary to draw profound lessons from this incident and avoid history repeating itself. First and foremost, it warns us to fully realize the preciousness of life. Frustrations like breakups and arguments are not worth the risk of our lives. Only by loving life deeply and cherishing life can we be born to the sun. Secondly, it is also a slap in the face for science and technology workers. When we create scientific and technological achievements, we should not only seek a temporary sense of achievement, but also comprehensively consider the possible negative impacts. 
The diversion of paraquat into the public is a dereliction of duty, and it is a historical responsibility that I cannot escape in my life. Furthermore, it reminds us of the importance of controlling the flow of the environment and dangerous goods. Before paraquat was banned, paraquat was rampant in China due to national differences, and this is a lesson that must be taken as a warning. I also hope to pass on these thoughts to more R&D workers, and even to all ordinary people who are exposed to scientific and technological achievements. The two-sided nature of rational cognition and technology is the most profound lesson of the paraquat incident.