Author |Sail Book · Niannian.
* |Fan Deng Reading (ID: ReadingClub BTFX).
Hayao Miyazaki once said: "When a person enters middle age, life is no longer a galloping horse, but a mountain climber with weights." ”
It is normal for people to be tired in middle age, and after dealing with busy and trivial work, they have to cheer up to deal with marriages that have nothing to say and children who cannot be disciplined.
When we are tired, we may all be stuck in such a confusion:
Why do you know that you have done your best, but you still live your life as a chicken feather?
In fact, running a family is the same as a career, you need to have the right concept.
Putting yourself and your family in the right position, understanding big things, being more tolerant of small things, and communicating more at ordinary times is the secret to maintaining family harmony.
I saw a question in Zhihu, what is the experience of having an adolescent child at home?
A highly praised answer wrote: The longest "masochistic period" of parents is when the child reaches puberty.
In just one sentence, it can be said that the sadness of countless middle-aged parents has been exhausted.
As parents, we all know that rebellion is a necessary way for children to grow up.
But when the day came, I found myself at a loss and helpless, unprepared and unsure of how to respond.
My friend's daughter has been together since the beginning of the year, and she has become reluctant to communicate with her anymore.
Seeing that the child was in a bad mood, she wanted to express her concern, but all she received was an impatient response: "What do you know?".Don't bother me all the time, okay?”
Seeing the decline in her child's grades, she wanted to give some advice on Xi, but in exchange for ridicule: "You don't know anything, what qualifications do you have to teach me?"”
Not long ago, she found that her daughter often used her ** watch to chat with her classmates at night, so a fierce quarrel broke out between mother and daughter.
In a fit of rage, she dropped her ** watch and fell, making her daughter so angry that she rushed over and wanted to fight with her.
Although she was dissuaded by her husband at the time, it was the first time that she saw a shocking hatred in her daughter's eyes.
What is even more unexpected is that since that day, her daughter simply did not get up to go to school, and she was helpless to use all kinds of methods.
Now she is exhausted by the child but she doesn't dare to let go, for fear that if she doesn't discipline her, the child may be wasted.
But in fact, the most fundamental problem in this parent-child relationship is that she manages too much.
Keigo Higashino once wrote in the book "After School":
The fragile self-esteem of adolescence, which is easily untouchable, is likely to be an interruption to him or her for the rest of his or her life. ”
Children at this stage have nowhere to put their sense of self and hate the violation of their own territory the most.
At this time, if parents are still Xi to communicating in a powerful way, causing mutual confrontation and harm is the inevitable result.
The best way to solve problems is to learn to treat children as "leaders".
Accept your child's change and establish a sense of boundaries.
In the past, we rushed to intervene and correct our children when we saw rebellious behavior, but now we need to think outside the box and learn to take the initiative to draw a line between us and our children.
Isn't it normal to think about being a leader, a little willful, and a little tantrum?Why do you point fingers?
Let go of parenthood and return autonomy.
We need to redefine our roles, and as subordinates, we can't communicate with leaders in the form of coercion and command.
What should be done is to provide them with ideas and solutions to solve the problem, and then let the "leaders" make their own decisions.
You know, what leaders care about most is not how much you do for them, but whether you respect their rights.
Maintain unity of opinion and build trust.
What do you do when you have a disagreement with your leader?Of course, it is not to immediately deny the leadership and create conflicts.
The same is true for dealing with parent-child conflicts, and on the basis of finding a communication style that is acceptable to the child, we should consider how to seek common ground while reserving differences.
Sometimes, rather than finding out what is right and wrong, letting your child know that you are willing to give them unconditional support is the best way to earn trust.
I have heard a saying: A good lover can alleviate half of the suffering in the world.
Indeed, it is undoubtedly a great fortune in life to be able to have a partner who knows cold and heat, and shares joys and sorrows.
However, it is precisely because of this high expectation that it is easy for people to be disappointed in marriage.
When I encountered troubles at work, I talked to the other party with the original intention of being comforted, but in exchange for only a few perfunctory responses.
I waited for my wedding anniversary, expecting to receive a surprise, but what I was waiting for was a completely forgotten indifference.
But what is even more sad is that you will find that the more you accuse, the more it will only worsen the estrangement in your marriage.
As we enter middle age, our responsibilities are increasing day by day, and our time and energy are becoming more and more limited.
At this stage, if you still have unrealistic demands on the other, you are bound to embarrass the other party and suffer yourself.
Lin Huijia and Ang Lee lived apart for many years after marriage, and after the birth of their first child, Ang Lee completed his studies at New York University and was finally able to reunite as a family.
But a new problem soon came back to them, that is, Ang Lee was unemployed after graduation and could not find a suitable job.
In order to maintain the operation of the family, Lin Huijia proposed to let him take care of the children at home and work to earn money by himself.
In this way, the two of them started the cooperation mode between the female protagonist and the male protagonist, and they have been working together for six years.
During that time, Lin Huijia had to bear the expenses of the whole family alone, but she never complained, and always encouraged her husband to persist in creation.
In order to let his wife work outside the home with peace of mind, Ang Lee also did his best to do laundry, cook and take care of the children, and keep the family in an orderly manner.
It wasn't until 1990 that Ang Lee won the award with the script "Pushing Hands", and since then he has become popular and has become an internationally renowned director.
Their story is in line with the saying: a good marriage is a win-win cooperation.
A truly mature person will not regard the other half as a dependent, but his best partner and the most tacit colleague.
Clarify the division of responsibilities and do not pass the buck to each other.
When you are aggrieved and dissatisfied, don't be in a hurry to complain, but let yourself calm down and think first: Is this the other party's responsibility?
Assign family responsibilities according to each other's abilities and expertise, and know how to perform their own duties and fulfill their responsibilities, and many conflicts will be easily resolved.
Follow the spirit of the contract and fight side by side.
Treat your lover as a colleague and reach a cooperative alliance in order to share the benefits and dividends of marriage.
In this way, when we encounter difficulties, we will inevitably find ways to help each other in the same boat and support each other until the minimum loss is exchanged for the maximization of common interests.
Cultivate the righteousness of treating each other with sincerity and give up the temper of calculating.
Learn to use the politeness and respect for colleagues to get along with your partner, and it will be difficult to have a discordant relationship.
Besides, people will inevitably make mistakes, and instead of competing against each other, it is better to give in at the right time, pretend to be stupid reasonably, and leave room for the other party, which is also leaving a way back for yourself.
Have you noticed that many people can't help but feel such feelings when they encounter a parent-child or marital crisis:
How is this more difficult than doing a career?
When people reach middle age, everyone knows the importance of family, but deep down, they are always Xi to put family after work.
We hope that home can become a place for us to relax and a haven of rest.
When we come home after a busy day of traveling, even if we don't say a word, we can get the unconditional support and tolerance of our loved ones.
When we work hard to support our families and earn money, even if we lack a little companionship, our children should be understanding and grateful to themselves.
But we forget that this is not something that can be taken for granted, let alone at your fingertips.
In fact, the reason why family relationships are difficult to deal with is essentially because everyone in the family is Xi to being self-centered and self-centered.
In this year's hit drama "Mature Years", Ni Weiqiang, a university professor, lives on the verge of collapse every day.
In his opinion, his wife Chunmei's personality is too strong and she restricts him too much, making him feel that his life is imprisoned and there is no freedom at all.
For this reason, he chose to express his dissatisfaction in various ways, first running away from home, and later deciding to file for divorce.
And from Chunmei's point of view, she is not full of helplessness.
For so many years, I have worked hard and worked hard to give almost everything for this family, but in the end, what I got was my husband's total denial.
Both of them have good achievements at work, and when they are combined, they turn the family into a court, quarreling constantly, and the war is endless.
It is clear that it is never easier to run a marriage than a business.
In that case, why don't we treat it as if it were a major project and treat it like a management company.
Create a common vision, support each other, and grow together
Just as the development of a company requires a long-term strategic plan, the operation of a family is inseparable from the same direction.
With this goal, family members can share a common mission and responsibility, and build a sense of cooperation and mutual cooperation.
Of course, living under one roof is inevitable and bumps are inevitable, so it's also important to establish communication channels.
Regular family meetings can be held to understand everyone's thoughts and enhance mutual recognition, so that conflicts and estrangements can be resolved in a timely manner.
Take the initiative to lower expectations, learn from each other's strengths, and complement each other's strengths.
Successful enterprises often know how to use people's strengths and avoid people's shortcomings.
The same is true for harmonious families, which need to quit excessive expectations and focus only on the strengths of different members, so that each other can find a sense of value and existence in the relationship.
If you do want to change something, the best way to do this is to adjust yourself rather than ask someone else.
Your realm has become higher, your pattern has become bigger, and you will get along well with everyone.
It is said that happiness is actually very simple, it is nine words:There is a home to go back, someone is waiting, and there is food to eat.
As we grow older, everyone must have a deeper understanding of the warmth and meaning of home.
Unfortunately, there always seems to be a huge difference between ideals and reality, and the greater the expectations, the easier it is to disappoint us.
But it's important to understand that complaining doesn't only help, it creates more trouble.
Therefore, we should always remind ourselves that we are the cause, the root of everything.
What kind of family you want, find a way to maintain and create such a family.
To be a wise middle-aged person and actively face problems and solve problems, can we remove the stumbling blocks under our feet and let happiness come as promised. 
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