Lai Mingxi has a voice in his heart: Let me die, I don't want to live. The empty sky was a little yellow, like wilted dead leaves, without a hint of wind. In the dim room, there was some humidity, no one around, and there was a bed next to the lonely coffee table. Lai Mingxi was lying on the bed, facing the sky, and there were still traces of tears under his eyes. She fell silently into deep thought, and at the thought that life was nothing more than that, she laughed out loud, laughing after laughing, and the laughter roared and disappeared in the hut. Laughing and laughing, tears poured out of my heart, first like beads with broken threads, and finally like a flood that broke the embankment, contaminated with sour and abrupt outflow. She felt cold, curled up, no laughter, and kept sobbing, again and again, like a wronged child. After the baptism of the storm, Lai Mingxi thought of death. Death can be calm, the sky seems to be wide, empty and far away, on the vast land, there are flocks of pigeons with white feathers flying up and sometimes landing on the stone steps of the square, looking left and right, and pecking twice at the small grains of corn.
Lai Mingxi often recites "goodness is like water, and the day is close to high morality", and he is cramped and uneasy even to shoot mosquitoes, and he feels unbearable to fight flies. Friends often say with a smile: "Mingxi is like a willow blowing in the wind, soft as water." ”
At this moment, she was completely destroyed, and her heart was chaotic. Suddenly, her gaze hit the wall like a bright light, revealing her determination. "Die today, let the judgment be left behind!She said coldly, as if hard ice cubes had hit the ground.
She wiped away her tears and sighed helplessly, "Alas—" The aura disappeared, she moved her expression, pulled the corners of her mouth, smiled very brightly, and pretended to walk out of the house easily. She went to the pharmacy on the road to buy "paraquat", which was closed. She stood at the door of the pharmacy, stunned for a while, looked up and saw the supermarket opposite, and suddenly had a clever thought, go to the store to buy a fruit knife, cut your wrists!. After making up his mind, controlling his facial expressions, and greeting the owner of the shop warmly, he took a long fruit knife with a white scabbard, and the blade flashed faintly against the incandescent light.
On the street, cars come and go, the river is endless, and several women who are laughing on the side of the road talk and laugh, always showing their happiness;The basket is full of vegetables, the mother supports the car with one foot, steps on the mat with the other, waits for the green light, and the child sits in the back of the car;The middle-aged man with a big belly showed exhaustion on his face and hurried over;The big sign of the clinic, with green stripes and white horizontal paint, shows its function;The high school campus where classes are held is quiet, and the holly under the high fence near the entrance is stretched, and the dense oval leaves are stretching. But, what does all this have to do with Lai Mingxi?In her eyes, these are all sealed in the dull and frozen air, in this space, there is no sound, they are all flowing or stationary lines and shapes of different shapes.
Lai Mingxi walked to the park and picked a secluded place. Among the grass, there was a black bench, and occasionally a few pieces of black paint withered, revealing the pale yellow of old age. She sat down, her chair resting on her back, her arms along the edge of the bench. His eyes are empty, and he breathes and breathes and unconsciously lengthens. The images of the quarrel and running away from home flashed in her mind from far to near, and she tightened, picked up the knife, strained it, and slashed it at her wrist. The pain rushed to all parts of the body in an instant, and the blood seeped out from the crack of the knife, and coagulated into a blood cell, and the blood ball burst and became a small river.
2) The family has always wanted to change Mingxi's bed. Some time ago, Xi's mother looked at Mingxi and said, "Change your bed, you use it first, and when you get married, use it for my grandson." Mingxi felt the slander of patriarchy again, although she was the direct daughter of her parents, but after all, she couldn't resist the weight of her grandson, and she was awkward in her heart, and she was unwilling to change a hundred of them. At noon, eating, the whole family was together, my mother smiled and mentioned it again, Mingxi didn't want to stir up the interest, thinking that my sister said that the greatest filial piety of adults is obedience, so I could only agree: "Feel free." ”
In the afternoon, Xi's mother was busy, carrying the bed, mopping the floor, and the sweat rolled into hot beads. The cushion on the old bed needed to be carried away, she looked at Mingxi and said, "Come here, lift the cushion." ”
Don't lift, put that. Mingxi looked indifferent and replied lazily.
Come here and lift it" Xi's mother raised her voice and became sharp.
No" Mingxi raised his eyebrows and sat on the sofa, without the slightest intention of moving.
Give you a new bed, I ran up and down, all the time, you lift down the mat, no?Xi's mother was a little annoyed, and there were sparks in her voice.
Don't lift, don't lift, I didn't want to change the bed, it was you who changed it for your grandson. Mingxi also got angry.
Xi's mother saw that her strength was not good, she was annoyed and angry, her eyes were as sharp as a blade, her mouth kept coming, she strode in front of Mingxi and hit Mingxi.
Mingxi straightened up and said with a smile: "Yes, just beat it like this, I was born to you, it's best to kill you!."”
Xi's mother blushed, and her face wrinkled with anger. The pain fell on Mingxi, she straightened up again, and said with a smile: "That's it, it's very good, don't stop!."Xi's mother slapped Mingxi again. The family pulled away Xi's mother. Mingxi, with tears in her eyes, raised her face, tears flowed back, she didn't want to shed a tear to show others. She packed her things and went out of the house.
Mingxi has been committing suicide. In the past, she smiled and said to her best friend: "I don't know what it means to be alive, I just won't do it when my parents are still around." ”
Mom and Dad seem to be the only nostalgia in the huge world of Mingxi, and now that Mom has kicked herself out of the house, this last thought is gone, why don't you die?Mingxi made up his mind that he would die today. I don't care about what I left behind.
3) Before Mingxi cut the vein, he thought of the object Gu Buli. The two of them are not in the same place, they meet once a week, Lai Mingxi is busy, and Gu Buli is even busier. When they met, Gu Buli always drove forty or fifty minutes from home to wait for Mingxi downstairs, saying a good time, but it was always half to an hour before he could see Mingxi. Gu Buli went downstairs and sent WeChat first. Lai Mingxi dyed his nails, painted his eyelashes, changed his clothes upstairs, looked in front of the mirror, felt that it was inappropriate, and made a fuss, until he was satisfied, he went downstairs. And Gu Buli was already asleep in the car. Mingxi walked to the heel of the car, "uh-huh" twice, and Buli woke up. Buli woke up from a light sleep, rubbed his eyes, and saw Mingxi, and in an instant, his face smiled, and his eyes were full of joy. He hurriedly got out of the car, took Mingxi's hand, looked left and right, looked again, smiled from ear to ear, and filled his whole body with sweetness.
At this moment, Lai Mingxi's world collapsed and was gloomy. But the remaining reason still let her give Gu Buli a **, she controlled her voice as much as possible, and cried: "Don't come today, you don't love me." Gu Buli held the mobile phone, and after hearing the voice, he was a little confused for a while, but he could realize that Lai Mingxi's mood was wrong, and said gently: "What's wrong, are you in a bad mood?"I was about to leave for you. Mingxi heard his voice again, warm and sweet spreading, but how could this warmth be able to withstand the pain of begging for death, tears poured out again, "Don't come, don't come." Gu Buli was also nervous, and hurriedly said, "You wait for me!."You wait for me!”
Lai Mingxi kept crying, she liked Gu Buli very much, but she was going to part ways, not because Mingxi was going to face death, but because she was left out in the cold.
She and Gu Buli met on a blind date, and they didn't have so much affection at first, but after contact, they actually liked it. Perhaps in the eyes of others, Gu Buli is just an ordinary young man. However, in her eyes, Gu Buli's eyes are like a moon when he smiles, and no matter how dark the sky is, it will be bright for a while.
Mingxi watched TV late the night before yesterday, and his mobile phone didn't move. Eight o'clock passed, nine o'clock went quietly, and ten o'clock passed quietly. She turned her head to look at her phone, and the screen was still black. A minute and a second have passed, it should be time, she is waiting for news from Gu Buli. It was late at night, the lights were dim, and it was quiet outside the window, and she was waiting. The eye-catching picture of the TV series was no longer watchable, and she waited anxiously and expectantly. Looking at her phone, it was eleven o'clock, her eyes were full of loss, and she was stubbornly waiting for his message. Before I knew it, I fell asleep.
A day without faith. Gu Buli usually contacted her at night, she sat on the couch, and the TV picture flashed and flashed. But she sank into her own deserted world, where it was empty. She knew that it was because Gu Buli didn't contact her, what did it mean that she didn't get in touch?How can people who like each other not connect for a day?Last breakup, that's it. He knew Mingxi's sensitivity in his heart. Being left out means not loving. It was late at night, fruitless waiting, Lai Mingxi looked at the roof, dumbfounded.
How can someone who likes each other not be in touch for more than forty-eight hours?Mingxi is very sure that Gu Buli doesn't love her, and contact with her may just be a matter of time.
Mingxi has been committing suicide, and when she was in junior high school, she came to the middle of the road and wanted a passing car to take her life. The speeding car came from the opposite side, she didn't move, the car was close, and she began to regret it, afraid of pain. The car bypassed her and threw down only one sentence: "I want to die!".”
Thinking of the scene at home just now, she was heartbroken and cried all the time.
She tensed her body, held the knife, and pressed the tip of the knife down heavily on her wrist, pulling back a little bit, and it hurt her heart, one by one.
The phone rang over and over again, and the screen that lit up showed that it was Gu Buli. Mingxi thought, why doesn't he love me?She glanced at it. The phone rang again, and she didn't plan to answer it, but she still liked Step, and she still wanted to get close to him, so she picked up the phone.
Gu Buli's voice was a little anxious, "Where are you?"I've arrived!”
The sound of the step is like a spring breeze, which makes people bright, like a clear spring, moisturizing the dry. Mingxi liked his voice very much, and once, he sent a song he sang, although some of the words didn't match, but he still liked his voice, which was very magnetic.
Don't come to me, I'm outside!Thinking that Gu Buli hadn't contacted her for more than two days, a wave of anger and sourness couldn't help but go up.
Gu Buli raised his voice, "Where are you?"Parks?I'm going to find you!”
You go, I'll be quiet. Lai Mingxi restrained the urge to see him, and his voice became cold.
Where are you, I'll take you to play, I'll drive!Gu Buli was gentle and anxious.
Don't play" Mingxi is angry.
Bu Li's heart is all on Mingxi, "Take you around!."”
Don't go to "Where are you?".Ayuri asked eagerly.
Mingxi frowned tightly, and said ruthlessly, "I don't know, you can go!."”
Gu Buli smiled helplessly.
Mingxi thought: The person I want must be the person who loves me. He will shine a unique light to her in the torrent of time, among thousands of people. The wrong person will eventually accompany you for a ride, and then it will end, and the right person will eventually meet.
4) Two cuts went down, and the wrist was bleeding. Mingxi was disheartened, so he pressed against the tip of the knife and decided to end himself with the third knife. With a lot of force, press the knife into the meat a little bit and pull it back, making sure that the knife edge is deep enough. It hurt again, stimulating the whole body, and I collapsed and stiffened.
The pain deepened, and I thought about saying goodbye to the world forever.
Mingxi sat on the recliner who was evasive, and the pain made her body more and more relaxed. Suddenly, the world spreads out in the senses, still empty and far away. In the twilight, in the depths of this world, there is an old stump, with a few branches stretching, bathed in an invisible and soft quiet light. You can't see this light, but you can feel gentleness and serenity. She teased Mingxi, let her heart settle down, and wanted to go towards it.
Mingxi suddenly came back to her senses, this comfort still filled her heart, attracted her, did not let her die, and wanted her to run to it alive. Mingxi understood, although she had committed suicide a long time ago, she couldn't die, because something stumbled her and made her live well. After thinking deeply, she said to herself, since she can't die, then live well, live well, live well!
Mingxi stopped, put down the knife in her hand, wiped the blood that came out with a tissue, pressed her wrist, she wanted to live, and walked quickly to the clinic on the side of the road. Seeing the straight wound, the doctor asked disdainfully, with a subtle smile on his face: "How did you get it" The person next to him looked at Mingxi with interest. Mingxi smiled embarrassedly and said, "Accidentally, something was scraped." ”
The doctor examined the wound: "Medicine, it hurts a little, you can bear it." ”
The medicine powder was sprinkled on the wound hotly, and Mingxi thought, I want to live well.
5) What does Mingxi have?She is a girl, a girl with a higher education, a girl with a modern mind, a girl who needs to start from scratch after graduation. She lives in this home, but what weight does she have?
Mingxi, who was scolded as a "white-eyed wolf", couldn't take care of it so much. The gray sky, without a hint of wind, shrunk into a ball of acacia leaves, and drooped down weakly. She ran away from home in a sad state, and the emotions she had suppressed for many years exploded, and she wanted to die, so she calmly sent a text message to her mother: I don't want to live anymore, I'm going to die.
Xi's mother saw the shocking text, and immediately sent a lot of messages, but Mingxi didn't read any of them. An hour passed, Mingxi's mobile phone kept ringing, the screen was black and bright for a while, she didn't look at it, she was cutting her wrists with a slender fruit knife, and the pain spread out a little.
6) Mingxi promised herself to live well, and she dialed her mother's **, "I didn't die!."”
Xi's mother took the ** and cried, crying very aggrieved: "You scared me to death, did you go?".You are dead, how can I live!”
A burst of sourness and emotion welled up in his nose, Mingxi stopped talking, opened WeChat, and all of them were from his mother: "I'm outside, I'll be home in a while, don't be blind".
Half an hour later, another one: "Where are you, pick up **!."I'm looking for you."
An hour later, the voice sent, as soon as it was opened, was a crying voice, "Mingxi, mom is wrong, mom shouldn't change your bed, shouldn't force you, I'm sorry, I'm wrong, I'm sorry, I'm wrong!."”
Mingxi felt that her mother at such an age confessed her mistake to herself, and she didn't feel good in her heart.
It was past nine o'clock in the evening, and Mingxi was still outside and didn't want to go home. She made a circle of oolong, embarrassed to go home!I went around the park with my friend, and my friend looked at the bandaged wrist and stroked Mingxi's head, "Fool, you have died once, what are you afraid of!."”
It was late, Mingxi opened the door with the key, the family was asleep, she walked into the bedroom, the new big bed was lying peacefully next to the cupboard, the green sheets were spread evenly, and the pillows were placed next to the bed.
In the morning, Mingxi walked to the side of her mother, who was cooking, and said in a small voice: "It's me who is not good, I am not right." ”
Xi's mother's eyes were moist, and she looked at her daughter movingly. Mingxi said sadly: "Since I was a child, I have felt that your bowl of water is uneven, and you are also children, just because I am a girl, you can't think of me." Buying a new bed after my transition, for my grandson, how much I have to spare!”
Who's not like that!can't fight against the old rules, the mother's family is the son's country, the daughter's hotel!”
Okay, I'm just a wandering spirit in the family, swinging and swinging. I am a guest at home" Mingxi never doubted that her body was made of water, and at this moment she lowered her head and cried.
Mom looked at Mingxi full of distress, and her eyes became gentle, and she treated her as a baby: "You are a family member, how can you be a wandering spirit?"I can't either!”
Mingxi looked at her mother, she was middle-aged, and time ruthlessly flowed deep marks on her face, the beauty of the past, now her face is a little white and delicate!Mingxi thought, "Okay, the greatest filial piety is obedience, as long as you are in a good mood, feel free!."I can't rely on it, so let's work hard with my own hands and live my own life!”