There is a sentence in "Lifelong Growth" that says: children also pass on information.
The message that crying children learn after being verbally abused is that crying children should be judged and punished.
Children's education is a common issue, but what is the best education?
I can't help but think of Shure's words, which also makes people reflect: "If the parent's discipline is scolding and commanding, the child is easy to be aggressive psychologically and verbally." ”
Indeed, the establishment of an emotional relationship should precede discipline, so that the child is willing to trust me and cooperate with me, rather than simply fear me, discipline may be more effective.
Disciplining a child does not necessarily have to stand on the opposite side of him and look down on him from the perspective of a guardian, but not only maintains the boundary between parents and children, but also retains the love and respect for the child.
Discipline and instruction, punishment and love may be the best for children.
01 Discipline is only the way, the core is teaching
In the TV series "In the Name of the Family", Qi Mingyue's mother manages her daughter meticulously and strictly, from eating, drinking, to dressing and hairstyle, from dating circles to scheduling, her mother has a strong intervention in her daughter.
However, things must be reversed, and what comes with growing up is her "rebellion", in the face of her mother's control as always, she only thinks about how to hide from her mother and escape from her.
American scholar Simon Snick once put forward a theory of "**circle":
Although we usually focus most on the "what" and "how" when we do things, in fact, the most important core we should focus on should be the "why".
It is true that children's growth needs to be controlled, but it cannot be controlled alone.
Discipline is just a way, and it can control what children "do" and "how to do", which is a "symptomatic treatment".
Teaching is the core, so that we and children can understand each other, and let children understand the "why", in order to "cure the root cause".
If parenting is likened to building a tall building, then the parent's way of disciplining is to build "scaffolding" for the child:
Help the child build a solid foundation, give the child an idea, control the general direction, protect the child with a sense of security, and help him reach a goal height with guidance.
After all, we can't predict every step of our child's life, and naturally we can't control every step of our child's life.
02 Punishment is not an end, it is more important to express love
In the child growth reality show "Tell the World I Can", the 4-year-old girl Qiuqiu once had an argument with her younger brother, and the father had no choice but to face his crying daughter, so he didn't listen to reason, so he used the "little black house punishment" and locked his daughter in a small room to "calm down" alone.
In the face of her father's punishment, the 4-year-old girl was very scared, she cried and slammed the door over and over again, hoping that her father would "let herself out".
Dad didn't budge, and emphasized the rules over and over again through the door: When you stop crying and admit your mistakes, you can come out.
The first to bow his head was the child, in order to escape from this confined environment alone, Qiuqiu held back his crying, apologized to his brother, and the matter ended here.
But the problem is also here, the handling of things should not only stop at "punishment", parents should have positive communication with their children, review the incident, and express love to their children, which is the closed loop of one thing.
The father didn't realize that the child only saw "punishment", but he couldn't see the "love" of his parents, and the child's small heart was already empty.
Qian Zhiliang said: "Regardless of wealth or poverty, the most important thing for raising a child with a rich heart is to make them feel spiritual satisfaction, and feel the love and acceptance, attention and recognition of their parents." ”
Loving a child is not the same as indulging, and teaching a child is not the same as taking back the love of a parent.
Punishment brings more "fear" to children, the fear of parents' emotions and strength, the fear that they will "lose their parental love", under the deterrence of punishment, children choose to be obedient, that is only afraid, not understood.
Punishment is not the goal, it is to help the child correct the bad behavior and let him know what is the right thing to do.
In the final analysis, the home is a place of "love", and reasonable punishment for doing wrong is indispensable, and similarly, the expression of love by parents is more important.
The unconditional love from parents is not only the most solid foundation in a child's heart, but also the confidence for children to dare to analyze their own behavior, dare to face up to their mistakes and make corrections.
Conclusion
I like what Huang Lei said:
There are as many parents as there are children in the world, because every family is different, rather than waiting for children to be beaten by society in the future, it is better to educate children correctly from an early age.
Parents who truly love their children must have a vision, everything from the long-term future of their children, leniency and strictness, clear rewards and punishments, discipline and education, punishment and love, is the best model for children's growth!