I have seen a **, a foreign friend came to China, whenever she was uncomfortable, her colleague asked her to drink hot water.
Her aunt was in pain, and her best friend also asked her to drink hot water.
At that time, she still thought that China's hot water was quite magical, and whether it had any cure-all-free effect.
Later, I learned that this was just a bad meme in communication in China.
Drink more hot water", in communication, is just because you don't want to empathize with the other party, or because people who don't understand empathy, they just say a generic sentence.
In our lives, there are times when we are comforted or comforted by others, but some comforting words are even more uncomfortable to listen to.
Let's take a look at these six ways to comfort people by avoiding pitfalls:
The first sentence form: more than miserable comfort
When people are in trouble or suffering, some people comfort them with "your pain is not worth mentioning compared to xx".
For example, "There are so many people who are worse than you, why can't you be happier" or "You're nothing, xx was worse than you before".
I remember a colleague who was just pregnant, due to a large physical reaction, so he had various uncomfortable symptoms.
As a result, an elderly colleague at the school saw it and said to this colleague: "You just lack exercise, you young people now, your body is delicate, when my wife was pregnant with my child, she had to go up the mountain to carry firewood, cut pigweed and feed the pigs." ”
The subtext of this comfort is: Your pain is not worth mentioning.
Instead of being comforted, the person who heard it felt that you were showing off, and was very speechless in his heart, and wanted to roll his eyes.
This kind of comparative reassuring words can make people feel slighted and misunderstood, and she feels that her pain is real, while others respond as if to belittle her feelings.
Everyone's suffering is unique and cannot be directly compared.
The second sentence structure: life mentor type comfort
The performance of life coach type comfort is to tell the other person how to act in the form of commands or suggestions, and to put it bluntly, it is to teach you how to do things.
watched a variety show in which a middle-aged man was unwilling to support his elderly father.
After listening to the story, I knew:
When he was in the fourth grade of elementary school, his father eloped with another woman and left home, taking everything valuable with him as he went.
His mom did a lot of work to raise him.
When he found a job that was supposed to allow his mother to enjoy his old age, his mother fell ill and left him.
And his father and the woman who eloped with him did not achieve positive results in the end, he wandered outside for many years, and when he was old, he suddenly remembered that he still had a son to support his old age, so he found his son.
But his son did not recognize him.
So, the old man found ** for help.
The host who received the request for help kept hinting at the middle-aged man from the perspective of a life coach:
No matter how you say that he is also your father", now that he is old, he is quite pitiful", and it is also your obligation to support him......".
The middle-aged man either didn't say a word, or he just shook his head to express his unwillingness to support his father.
Remember the saying:
"Don't persuade others to be kind without their suffering. ”If you haven't experienced what others have suffered, don't force (or ask) others to practice what you think is good.
Everyone's situation and experience are different, and you can't impose your own standards on others.
In times of pain, people need emotional support, not being blamed or taught.
The third sentence structure: mending knife type comfort
Complementary comfort is the expression of blaming or questioning the other person when he or she is already in pain.
Friend A called ** to complain, saying that she was very upset.
The reason is that the reserved high-speed rail was missed because of traffic jams on the road.
When her mother hit the **, she said so.
As a result, her mother** said directly: "Didn't I teach you a long time ago and let you go early, you are slow, you always procrastinate in doing things, and you like to pinch the time to go out, if you go out earlier, this kind of thing will not happen, and you won't be unable to go back to work ......."”
This kind of speech is not comforting, it is actually blaming and questioning the other person, and the subtext is: the pain is all your fault, and you are the fault of this situation.
This kind of reassuring can make the other person feel more frustrated and helpless, and may even worsen their distress.
Replace accusations and attacks with love and understanding when comforting others.
The fourth sentence form: Fight the chicken blood type to comfort
Chicken blood type comfort is manifested as simply telling the other person to be strong or patient.
For example, "Just bear with it" or "Be strong, it's not a big deal."
I have watched a Taiwanese drama, the heroine A in the play is a mother, in order to earn more money to subsidize the family, she participated in a ** "mentor" nugget camp.
Obviously, all the encounters are **, not to mention that the money has not been earned, and he has lost a lot of money, and the husband has even made trouble to the point of divorce.
Her best friend B comforted her in a snarky tone on the side:
You're stronger, it's not a big deal, you can make more money."
It's good if you put up with this kind of thing......”
The subtext of this comfort is that being strong solves everything.
However, simply telling someone to be strong won't solve their problems.
A more effective way to comfort is to provide practical help and support to let them know that they are not alone.
The fifth sentence form: suggestive comfort
Xiao Ming felt sad because he broke up with his girlfriend, but his friend accused Xiao Ming of his wrong behavior in love, saying: "I told you a long time ago, don't be too nice to her, now you know it's wrong." ”
Not only that, but also 123 analyzed the reasons why Xiao Ming broke up in love, and proposed solutions, and also found evidence that Xiao Ming was too good to his girlfriend, and finally came to the conclusion: can't be too good to his girlfriend, otherwise she will fly into the sky.
This way of urgently giving you all kinds of suggestions before listening to your confession will directly block your outlet to express your emotions, even if there is all kinds of pain in your heart, it will be blocked alive.
The problem with this kind of suggestive comfort is that it prematurely interrupts the other person's emotional catharsis and tries to solve the problem through rational analysis.
However,In some cases, people need emotional support and listening, rather than immediate problem-solving.
We should give enough time and space to listen and understand their feelings, and if the other person needs our advice and help, we should also be cautious in making suggestions.
The sixth sentence form: perfunctory comfort
My best friend felt very anxious because of the pressure of work, and she and her husband were preparing for pregnancy, so she discussed with her husband and wanted to quit her job first to prepare for pregnancy at home.
But her husband said: "It's not a big deal, there are so many women at work, and people have to have children and take care of children, and your pressure is nothing." ”
However, this perfunctory comfort doesn't really serve as a comfort.
Girlfriends may feel neglected and helpless, and may even feel more frustrated and sad because they don't really understand and support.
She may feel that her pain is not valued and recognized, leading to further emotional damage.
We should listen carefully to what the other person has to say, express our understanding and sympathy, and provide practical help and support whenever possible.
The seventh sentence pattern: united front comfort
Colleague A's wife died at a young age of 29 because she had stomach cancer.
Colleague A was crying to death, and we didn't know how to comfort him, so colleague B walked over and said to colleague A how he was feeling when his father died. How did you get through that darkest time?
The purpose of this united front comfort is to alleviate the pain of the other person through empathy and understanding.
However, sometimes this form of comfort can make the other person feel neglected and belittled.
Because everyone's experiences and feelings are unique, even if two people have experienced something similar, there may be differences in how they feel.
I fully understand your feelings", "I understand you completely", saying this kind of thing too early may make people think: you understand me completely, then my feelings are nothing special, there is nothing more to say.
Instead of saying "I understand you perfectly" too early, it is better to respect the other person's feelings and needs before trying to listen to the other person.
Conclusion:
When a person is injured and he has a lot of grievances, anger, sadness and other emotions in his heart, if someone comes to comfort him, will he be happy because of the other party's "comfort"?
Maybe not necessarily.
As the saying goes:
"There are three things to say, and clever words are better. ”It can be seen that speaking is also skillful.
Comfort communication is an art that requires care, patience and empathy.
However, many people often fall into the trap of letting kind words become hurtful when trying to comfort others.
SoWhen comforting someone, start empathizing with him first, and then think about how to comfort her.
Click[Follow].Tomorrow we will continue to talk about what comforting ways can enter the hearts of others.