Have you ever had such an experience:
Afraid of being hated?I often think about it for a long time because of someone else's words
No one can live as an island, and there is always a need to deal with people.
But the more people you meet, the easier it is to fall into extreme self-friction in complex interpersonal relationships, either always pleasing others, or always doing things that dare not reject others.
If you've ever been into, or are experiencing, this kind of internal friction, give it a read"The Courage to Be Hated".
The Courage to Be Hated is a co-authorship by philosopher Ichiro Kishimi and freelance writer Shiken Koga.
Through the dialogue between young people and philosophers, we gain insight into the truth behind interpersonal relationships and interpret the core ideas of Adler's psychology
A person, only with the courage to be hated, can have the possibility of reaping true happiness.
The 5 very classic sentences in the book, you will be sober after reading it.
It is not the past experiences that determine who we are, but the meaning that we give to our experiences.
Over the years, many people have been Xi attributing their pain and misfortune to the past when conducting psychological analysis.
I can't handle interpersonal relationships well because I lack love when I was a child, I don't dare to spend money, I don't dare to go to the store to eat, and I am afraid of ...... because I am poor
Such attribution may give a little comfort to oneself in the present, but it also makes people lose the opportunity to meet the future.
Do past life experiences matter?
Significant. But psychologist Adler argues thatMore important than experiences is how we perceive past experiences and what meanings are given to them.
Lis, the heroine in the movie "Harvard's Stormy Road", has impressed many people.
She was born into an unhappy family, her mother was addicted to drugs, alcohol, and mental **, and her father was idle all day.
She has picked up garbage, lived in shelters, slept on the subway, and been ostracized by her classmates ......
But she was not willing to do this, while working, she studied at the same time, completed the four-year course in two years, and finally was admitted to Harvard, which countless people dream of with full honors.
Later, the reporter asked, "Do you feel pity for your past?"”
She smiled and replied
Why do I feel pitiful?That's my life. I even have to thank it for making me have to move forward in any situation.In life, we will inevitably encounter difficulties and twists and turns, but I always believe that no matter whether it is good or bad, every experience has its own meaning.Because I have no way out, I can only keep trying to move forward.
It helps us to see people and things clearly, and then learn from them to make ourselves stronger.
Life is never given by others, but chosen by yourself, how you look at life, life treats you.
The reason why we can't change is because we have made our own determination not to change. Even though we have various grievances about our current lives, we still think that it is easier and more reassuring to maintain the status quo.
The Courage to Be Hated" has a conversation between the young man and the philosopher.
The young man confessed that he was an unfortunate man, introverted, not good at interacting with people, and he was very eager to become a cheerful person like a friend.
However, the philosopher retorted that the character and misfortune of the young man were not due to the past and circumstances, let alone because of his lack of ability, but were entirely the result of his active choice.
It sounds ridiculous, but that's often the way it is.
Each of us, like young people, was dissatisfied with our current situation and always longed to be able to realize our ideal selves after change.
But every time it comes to actual action, I always can't act, or I act, but I can't persevere.
For example, I feel that there is no future in my part-time job, and I want to open a store and start a business, but I see a lot of entrepreneurs who have gone bankrupt and owed money on the Internet, so I give up;
If you want to become thinner, the exercise plan lists several large pages, and you will stop eating for a few days
Seeing that the people around me are all better than me, I know that I need to change but I am afraid that I can't ......
In the final analysis, the reason why people can't change is because they are constantly determined not to change.
Choosing a new way of life means not knowing what problems your new self will encounter or how to deal with them.
In the end, when you fall into a kind of self-comfort and exculpation, you have actually made a choice.
However, good change is never something that happens overnight, and everyone is constantly experiencing and exploring and moving forward.
You don't have to put so much pressure on yourself, work hard and accumulate day after day.
As soon as you decide to take the first step, that's the beginning of getting better.
Why do you hate yourself?Why don't you just look at your shortcomings and refuse to like yourself?That's because you're too afraid of being hated by others and afraid of getting hurt in relationships.
I saw a distress post on Zhihu, and a netizen said that he was particularly concerned about other people's opinions.
When she was in school, her classmates said that she was not very good-looking, and she kept feeling inferior and wondered if she was really not good-looking.
After work, a colleague's unintentional words would keep her awake, and she would think about his words repeatedly.
After getting married, her husband worked in other places, and she lived alone with her in-laws and treated them in every way.
It was cold to buy them clothes, and she was busy serving them before and after she was sick, but she was a little lax, and her in-laws blamed her in every way.
She often wonders if she is really bad and not good enough in all aspects.
We may have had this experience in our lives.
Again and again, because of other people's opinions and evaluations, I constantly find fault with myself, deny myself, and even have thoughts of self-loathing.
But you have to know that in this world, you can never satisfy everyone.
There are many people in life who deliberately suppress you, look down on you, and envy you, no matter what you do, there are people who point fingers at you and gossip.
If you put yourself in pain because of such people, you have really fallen into their trap.
As Adler has always insisted:
Life is constantly comparing ourselves with our ideal selves, not living under the evaluation of others, we do not live to meet the expectations of others, but to live our own lives.Life has always belonged to oneself and has nothing to do with others.
Instead of torturing yourself in your heart and trying to please others, you should learn to unload your burden and be kind to yourself.
All interpersonal conflicts arise from wanton interference in other people's issues, or one's own problems being arbitrarily interfered with by others.
Living in a sophisticated society, we are always worried about various interpersonal relationships.
Therefore, Adler proposes a very important concept:"Separation of Topics".
What is topic separation?
It is whose subject is the responsibility of the consequences of a thing, and others can participate in the discussion, express their views and suggestions, but have no right to interfere.
In other words, we can't control other people's affairs, and we don't have to be influenced by others, as long as we can do these two things well, our relationships will change dramatically.
I remembered that a friend came to me to complain before.
Some colleagues in their unit often asked her for help, and she couldn't keep herself busy, but she was too embarrassed to refuse, so she had to work overtime until late every day.
Later I told her:
If a colleague needs to ask you for help, that is her topic, you have to accept or refuse, this is your topic, you just need to judge whether to help her or not.Later, one day, when I met this friend again, she happily told me that since the last time she rejected her colleague directly, that colleague had never bothered her again, and now it is much easier to go to work every day.As for whether she will be disappointed after being rejected and what she will say about you behind her back, that's none of your business, and it's not something you can control.
You don't have to empathize too much, and you don't have to carry too much.
In fact, all things in life can be summed up in two sentences: "about my" and "about your".
A truly intelligent person has long separated the problems, troubles, and responsibilities of himself and others, and has managed himself well and not crossed others.
When you do this, even if you are said badly and hated, there is nothing to worry about.
Being a man does not seek to be as good as he wishes, but to be worthy of his heart.
All life is not the end "on the road", as long as the dancing "here and now" is sufficient.
Have you ever noticed that the reason why our lives are so tiring is because we are all in too much of a hurry now.
I found my first job at the age of 24, got married before the age of 28, bought a house and a car at the age of 33, and had a child at the age of 35 ......
We have made a precise time plan for all the experiences of life, as if only when we complete them on time can we become the so-called winners in life.
But in the past few years, we have found that life is always a plan that cannot catch up with changes.
Maybe you work and lose your job, you may fall in love and break up, you may change your city life, and then you keep revising your plans, getting more and more tired and anxious.
But in fact, as the philosopher believes, a planned life is not unnecessary, but simply impossible.
"Our life is a continuous point, a continuous moment, we can only live in the 'here and now', and the existence of our life is in the moment. ”
When you think about it, it is.
There really isn't a need to spend too much energy and time trying to figure out what is best for the future in three to five years.
Because the past is static and the future is uncertain, the only thing we can be sure of is the present.
Work the things in front of you, grasp the opportunity in front of you, read more, travel more, and make more friends.
Focus all your strength on the present moment, and take it all in earnest, to receive, engage and experience it all with all your heart.
In this way, you can avoid a lot of unnecessary worries and troubles, and live an ideal life calmly.
Life often gives us all sorts of constraints.
These constraints seem to be relationships, circumstances, past, and future.
But in fact, when you really finish watching "The Courage to Be Hated", you will find that it is ourselves who really bind us.
The responsibility and the power to make choices in life have always been in our hands, but as the name of the book suggests, it takes courage to take on this freedom and responsibility.
This kind of courage is the key word of Adler's psychology and the ultimate antidote to our life's problems
But as long as you have the courage to be yourself, you will reap the possibility of true happiness.