1. Just after the exam, I came home and said to my mother, "Mom, I won't let you down in this exam." ”
Mom listened and kissed happily.
Me: "Mom, don't get excited!I'm not done yet. ”
I mean, I'm going to make you despair!”
2 I courier, today there is a courier name called:"Grandpa"。Isn't that a blatant attempt to take advantage of me? I'm not stupid, ** just ask:"What is your courier name?"He said:"Grandpa"I let out a long grunt.
3 elementary school students were late for school and stood at the door sobbing. The teacher angrily asked, "Why are you late?"The schoolboy couldn't cry: "Me." I. My grandfather. The teacher was shocked!Poor child, comfort him and say, "Don't be sad that your grandfather doesn't want you to cry in the spirit of heaven." Then the schoolboy cried and continued: "My grandfather fell asleep and didn't wake me up. ”
4 I was smoking a cigarette at the door of the Internet café just now, and I saw a couple arguing, I was watching from the side, and suddenly the woman pointed at me and said: If you want to be as handsome as he is tenth, I can't quarrel with you at all. The man said: Joke, if I want to be one-tenth as handsome as him, I can still take a fancy to you!I'll go, I'll smoke a cigarette, I'm recruiting whoever provokes me.
5When the family's pet dog was about to give birth to a puppy, my daughter said that she would not let me near the dog. I asked my daughter whyShe said: I don't want our dog, it's as ugly as your father!
6. A father took his five-year-old son to enjoy the classical ** meeting. The soprano singer and the orchestra performed the music passionately under the direction of the conductor, but the son looked a little confused and asked, "Dad, why does that old man keep scaring that aunt with a stick?"Dad smiled and said, "It's not a scare, the old man is the conductor of the band." Son: "If it wasn't scared, why did that aunt scream so loudly?"”
7 A friend's birthday, his wife bought him a suit of clothes and a pair of shoes, which cost him a total of more than 5,000. The next day, he said that he couldn't find it when he got up in the morning, so he called his wife: "The clothes I bought yesterday went to **?"."Retire, watching you celebrate your birthday makes you happy and happy......Meaning.
8. The cold is very uncomfortable, she texts her boyfriend in the bed "I have a cold" and decides to kick him if the other party replies "drink more water". After a while, the phone vibrated and the text message read: "Open the door." "This big idiot!Who let him come!She got up and went to the door as fast as she could, at this time the phone vibrated again, she opened the door with one hand and clicked excitedly with the other: "Breathe more fresh air and exercise." ”
9 My wife was pregnant, went to the hospital to do B ultrasound, and a young man who practiced Xi said to us with a serious face: "Be mentally prepared, it may be a freak, he has two heads, four hands and four legs!."”
We were stunned instantly, and my wife cried on the spot, when the doctor came over, and a "Wind and Thunder God Palm" hit the young man on the head, and scolded angrily: "That's called twins, and freaks!."”
10Today I met a psychotic woman, and I just looked at her, and she slapped us both. My brother is a quality person, and without saying anything, he left the women's locker room and went home!
11 I really happened, I took the bus the morning before yesterday, I didn't sleep well the first night, I kept yawning, the morning rush hour of the bus in Beijing, you know, it was very crowded, and a beautiful girl grabbed the railing next to me. The climax was that when I yawned, the bus suddenly braked, and I bit my sister's arm in one bite. I'm so witty!
12A couple at the next table quarreled: the man took the meat from the woman's bowl.
The woman yelled: Give it back to me
The man ignores it: he won't give it
The woman was angry: Don't do it, give it to the dog!
The man was really angry and said, "Okay, it's good, here you are, and the girl eats it happily."
13On the bus, I met an old man who had more things in his hands.
So I got up from my seat enthusiastically and stepped forward to help, originally wanting to say: Uncle, I'll help you get something. Then blurted out: Old thing, uncle, I'll help you get it.
14A: "My girlfriend is pregnant and says she wants to marry me".
B: "A man should be responsible, marry her."
A: "Well, I knew that kissing would also get pregnant, so I didn't kiss her."