Many times, we think that a marriage without conflict is the best state of marriage. When we think of conflict, we will think of arguing with red faces, saying hurtful things to each other, emotionally cathartic tantrums, and even fighting. This may be a misunderstanding. Conflict simply means that each other will have different opinions and thoughts, and emotions will arise, but that such feelings and thoughts will be expressed openly.
Some people seem to have no conflict, seem to respect each other as guests, and are model couples in the circle of friends. But one day you find out that they have broken up, or it seems that there is a lack of intimacy between them. Why is that?It looks pretty good, but why is it going wrong?
There is a possibility that the actual situation is being disguised. Hungry for recognition, don't want others to see jokes. Or feel that others can't understand you. So the real situation is hidden.
There is also the possibility that both of them have gone into escape mode. Avoid your inner feelings, avoid conflicts in your relationships. Because they are too afraid of the conflict itself, and want to maintain this intimate relationship, they choose to avoid it and not face the problems in the relationship. Then it will naturally accumulate more and more, not that the problem will be solved naturally. That person has been avoiding communication, intimacy, and conflict for a long time, and the other person has two possibilities, one is that he is also an avoidant person, so both of them are becoming more and more avoidant. Another possibility is that the person himself is the chasing party, wants to solve the problem, wants to communicate feelings, wants to pull the other party, but does not find a suitable way, after a long time, he is tired, his heart is dead, and he does not want to chase anymore. simply gave up and began to avoid it.
If both people are unwilling to face the problem and choose to avoid it, then although it seems that the conflict is gone, the intimacy will also decrease. The distance between the hearts is getting farther and farther away. Then it is possible that one day they will really be separated. Or some people meet an affair partner in the process of avoiding each other, and escape directly into an extramarital relationship. I think that if I change someone, I don't have to face the unmanageable emotions, pain, unmet needs and other issues in the marriage. But in fact, if we don't grow inside, it is possible to change people, and new problems will still arise. Or maybe some people don't want to leave their marriage, but they want to escape temporarily, but the way they cheat will only complicate the problem and hurt each other.
Therefore, the most frightening thing is not conflict, but how we learn how to face and deal with conflict Xi. We need to look inward first and see what's happening to us. Then look at what's going on there. Finally, communicate with each other.