As I watched the beautiful sunset in the evening, the plane passed overhead, and I couldn't help but think of what my friend told me last night: My son should become an adult early to take care of me. I can't imagine how helpless I felt when I heard this sentence, and how heartbroken I felt at that time.
Try to avoid talking to people in an educational tone, but I still can't help but say that the way you are now will make the child unable to live up to the expectations that you once expected in your heart.
In fact, in China, I have heard a lot of similar words: the children of poor families are in charge of the family at an early age, the eldest sister is like a mother, and the eldest son is a father, etc., which sounds very sad now.
I can understand the necessity of taking care of the family and taking on the responsibilities of the family at an early age when the older children need to take care of the family at an early age, but in today's society, I really feel that this necessity no longer exists.
For a long time, there have been many misunderstandings about raising children in the minds of Chinese. Let's list a few of the more common ones.
The first point is very important, and it is still a sentence that can be heard in today's families, that children are not individuals.
The implication of this sentence is that we don't have to treat it as a person, and the consequence of this sentence is that we can do a lot of things that adults don't think we should do, but can do to children. For example, scolding or even abusing children, arguing in front of children, or some demeaning and oppressive behavior.
Then use the phrase "children are not individuals" as an excuse to offset the guilt and self-blame for doing these things. In other words, in turn, as an excuse to allow yourself to vent and do something that you can't do to adults.
The question is, are children really not human, children do not have the thinking of adults, but children have very strong consciousness, perception, memory, and so on.
For example, parents quarrel. In fact, if a child grows up in an environment where his parents quarrel, then in fact, in order to adapt to his parents' quarrels, the child will make his personality become a personality that adapts to such an environment, so that when he grows up, he can only adapt to this conflicting environment, even if he happens to be in a harmonious environment, he will "seduce" others to treat himself like this. In other words, the child has lost the ability to get along with harmonious interpersonal relationships.
So all the energy of such a child in the future is to deal with these things, will he have the spare energy in his career or the good things in life?
The second commonly heard saying is that children don't remember.
In fact, there are studies that prove that about 30% of children can remember the events of their early years, and the reason why the other 70% of children do not remember is because we have no clues to move forward to extract their memories.
That is to say, we don't need to think about the events of our childhood in the adult world, so he is placed in a certain depth of our memory.
For people who can't remember what happened when they were young, do they really have no memory of the past?In particular, it is important to emphasize that all the feelings of childhood, the impression of parents, the understanding of the world, the ability to get along with people, and the ability to maintain relationships as we mentioned earlier have been almost all laid down at this time.
It is precisely these times when we think that children do not remember things that form the child's personality and form his coping mode and ability to deal with social life in the future.
The third point is a very important point that I would like to talk about todayYes"Fixation".
This is a particularly important word from psychoanalysis, but it is applied to almost all genres.
It means that when you don't meet a certain need when you are a child, you will be stuck in a deep depression, very difficult to get out, and you will be deeply affected in the subsequent stages of development.
For example, if a child's appetite (the stage of sucking for satisfaction) is not satisfied, he will be prone to smoking in the future, or he will drink alcohol when he is stressed.
Of course, there are other different stages that need to be met in order to move on to the next stage. This kind of satisfaction will prompt you to grow up more smoothly with the development of physiology and thinking, and on the contrary, if you are not satisfied, in the case of children, although the physical age has matured, the thinking is stuck in a certain place, and the subsequent growth can not be carried out smoothly.
In fact, take a closer look around youwill find out, many people are using the psychology of a child to support an adult's body, imagine how tired it is.
In addition, let's take another example that is often paid attention to - the scumbag physique, which is actually very reduced, very typical when girls do not receive love when they need their father's love, so that they have to enter bad relationships again and again in order to satisfy men's love when they become adults.
This also involves a very important concept of "compulsive repetition", which is what you subconsciously want to make up forChange howeverActuallyBut they don't have the ability to change, and then they fall into a vicious circle.
After talking about these three concepts, let's go back and look at the possible consequences of children entering adulthood too early:
First of all, the first result is that the child is forcibly interrupted when he should meet his imagination and expectations for life, and his ability to deal with life is not fully developed, so he feels that the world is cruel and terrible.
This also sets the tone for the future treatment of life.
Another point is that children's concept of life in the future is limited. The fixed need to meet his mother's needs is almost doomed, and all he can see in the vast social development in the future is the road in front of him.
A common example: the behavior of adult men who only beg for forgiveness when their wives (or girlfriends) are angry without any substantial remedies is most likely because they often need to satisfy their mothers in this way when they are young, and eliminate the possibility of developing other abilities.
I remember a very well-known domestic psychiatric master has a saying:Speak of the material poverty of the family to the childitselfIt's already abuse.
PlusPsychological abuse, plus going over there is double abuse. It is difficult for children to have a chance to turn over, let alone a good life and high achievements in the future.
We cannot guarantee that if we give them a very adequate material environment, being able to give the best love to the best of our ability may be the most important step in the child's development.
So I want to tell mothers, if you lack your husband's love, go to your husband and ask for itIf you don't have the love of your own parents, go to your own parents to ask for or learn to provide for yourself;
Don't make up for your own lack of love from a child, you are actually depriving a child of the right to grow up, which means that by doing so, you are sacrificing the child's future to satisfy your desires at this moment.
Let's go back to the title we just said, do the children of poor families really take charge of the family early, no!
Children from poor families are more likely to have to psychologically make up for the lack of childhood after many years of physical maturity, even in old age, which may be a lifelong loss.
This may be an important reason why so many adults are unable to tap into their potential and struggle all their lives. The mind is first whole, and then it can reach its potential
So according to what we Chinese often say is the oldestmostUnpretentiousIn other wordsInThe age at which it should beDoneSomething that should be there
This is the greatest love and companionship that parents give to their children.