"I really didn't expect that something happened to the xx star. ”
Did you know that our high school class president is divorced again. ”
Let me tell you, my xx is very strange, and he actually ......”
When we get together with friends or chat with colleagues, we often unconsciously talk about celebrity scandals, the slots of a mutual friend, or the shortcomings of our parents.
Such a process of gossiping and complaining about others adds a lot of fun to our lives.
But sometimes, excessive discussion about the privacy of those around you can cause harm to others.
In addition, when we focus too much on others, it can also hinder our own growth. Why?
A few years ago, when many of the company's friends grabbed Spring Festival tickets and prepared to go home for the New Year, Lili had no enthusiasm for this matter, and even resisted:
I didn't want to go home, and I was especially disgusted by the 'big-mouthed neighbors' at home. ”
Lili grew up in the village, and one of the most common images in her childhood memories is of several women sitting around and the Li family, the head of Zhang's family, talking about right and wrong.
And it is usually mixed with a lot of ingredients that add oil and vinegar and make something out of nothing.
When there is nothing to do, Lili listens to these gossips as stories, but she doesn't think it's anything.
It wasn't until one time that she unfortunately became the object of everyone's discussion that she really realized the lethality of it.
One night in the first year of high school, a few boys from the next village came to play, and Lili chatted with them under the big tree for a while, and then went back to their respective homes.
However, the next day, the matter was discussed by the neighbors
Some people say that Lili is in early love;
Some people say that Lili was dating a guy last night;
Some people even said that Lili didn't return all night ......
When Lili found out, she was stunned, as if she was firmly nailed to the pillar of shame and couldn't move.
She couldn't figure it out
I'm just chatting normally with a few boys, why do people describe her as a bad girl?
She cried and went home to find her mother, wanting her to come forward and clear up the misunderstanding for her. But unexpectedly, my mother said to me: "Who told you to go out in the middle of the night to fool around, you deserve to be discussed!" ”
This incident cast a psychological shadow on Lili.
Since then, she has deliberately kept her distance from the boys around her, and has even become cautious in other aspects of her life, for fear of leaving her neighbors with a handle and inviting gossip.
After graduating from university, Lili chose to stay in the city to work, away from the right and wrong places in her hometown.
But when she came home for the Spring Festival last year, she inexplicably became the center of conversation of her neighbors again:
Some people say that she has no income, but the income of a college student is not as good as that of working on a construction site;
Some people also said that she couldn't get married, and her marriage was still ...... at the age of thirty
In short, not a good word.
*: Visual China.
When these words reached Lili's ears, she was stunned again, and she was instantly wrapped in frustration.
She couldn't figure it out
She just works and lives at her own pace, so why should everyone call her a complete failure?
Despite knowing that the neighbors' gossip was false and that everyone was very biased about her, Lili still felt that she had been greatly hurt and became resistant to going home for the Chinese New Year.
After listening to Lili's story, I felt very heavy in my heart.
This is the lethality of rumors.
In fact, it is not uncommon for us to have the characteristic of having a big mouth.
They are outspoken and open-mouthed, and it is difficult for them to hide things in their hearts.
What's more, he likes to gossip everywhere, spread other people's privacy, and sometimes add fuel to the vinegar and tell right and wrong.
Why would they do it?
From a sociological point of view, this behavior belongs to a kind of daily "social behavior".
Evolutionary psychologist Robin Dunbar once proposed that gossip is a social behavior
On the one hand, by chatting about gossip, people can quickly exchange information, distinguish friend from foe, and enhance their sense of self-protection;
On the other hand, when two people talk about their parents, they can quickly close the distance between each other and maintain the relationship.
*: Visual China.
However, from a psychological perspective, gossip may also contain a "frustration projection" of the talker.
Robin Dunbar said
In the human subconscious, there is a desire for others to experience pain instead of themselves;
This effect is achieved to some extent when talking about other people's negative gossip.
If you look closely at those who like to tell the truth, it is not difficult to find that they themselves usually have a bad life, or even a mess of life.
Lili understands this very well.
She thought of Aunt Li, who was the most keen in the village to inquire, talk about and spread gossip.
Aunt Li has a characteristic of speaking: she can say everything as "bad things" and keep singing about it
If a child in the village did not get into college, she would laugh at them for not being able to make ends meet, and would have to work as a coolie in the future;
But if a child does get into college, she will still sing the praise, saying that college students still can't find a job.
Whether it is smearing Lili as a bad girl in the past, or constantly singing about Lili's practical achievements now, she is very keen to participate in it.
But if you really want to compare, the worst and most unfortunate person in the entire village is actually Aunt Li herself.
Her husband left home due to an affair, her son rebelled and left school, and later went to a ** ...... for theft
But Aunt Li never talked about herself, did not mention her husband and son, but especially enjoyed the process of belittling and belittling others.
In psychology, we call this behavior "frustration projection."
Because you can't face your own misfortune, you need to talk about the negative gossip of others to avoid your own misfortune;
Because they can't face their own frustrations, they need to project their inner frustrations by belittling and belittling others;
In this way, you can get a sense of self-delusion and satisfaction.
*: Visual China.
Back to Lili's predicament in the previous article
Despite knowing that the rumors were false and that her neighbors were very biased in their evaluation of her, she felt greatly hurt and refused to go home for the Chinese New Year.
Why is this so?
This involves what is often referred to in psychology as "projection and identity".
When many people talk about and spread false negative gossip, they also have their own frustration projections.
When the person being talked about agrees with these false rumors, a feeling of hurt will arise inside.
*: Visual China.
In the American drama "** Study Room", the heroine Maeve had a similar experience, but she chose a different way to deal with it.
At a student party, Maeve rejects harassment from a rich second generation, who becomes angry and slanders Maeve.
Subsequently, a group of classmates who do not know the truth begin to distance themselves from Maeve and insult her behind her back, making a lot of comments about her.
But Maeve did not agree with the frustration projection of the rich second generation, nor did she agree with the belittlement of her classmates.
On the contrary, she has always adhered to her value stance and firmly believes that she has done nothing wrong.
Once, another female classmate at school, Ruby, was maliciously disclosed by others because of her privacy, and she was caught in a "scandal".
Ruby felt so ashamed that she didn't know what to do.
Maeve helped her very righteously, found the "culprit" of the incident for her, and maintained her reputation in front of the whole school.
When a friend asks Maeve why she did this, Maeve finally tells the truth:
I was once falsely accused by him in public for refusing xx's harassment;
I know how much this hurts a woman, so I don't want Ruby to experience the same hurt as me. ”
In this way, she forcefully fought back against the rich second generation who slandered her, won the respect of her classmates, and salvaged her reputation.
Of course, it takes courage to fight back in the face of gossip in the crowd, and not everyone can stand up to the hostility of the outside world alone.
So what to do?
*: Visual China.
Some time ago, Teacher Li Songwei shared her experience in dealing with cyberbullying, which gave me a lot of inspiration.
He said: Cyberbullying often gives victims the illusion that "the whole world" is besieging me;
But in fact, behind the noisy cyberbullying, there is more of a huge, well-intentioned silence.
The best way to get out of the harm of cyberbullying is to switch focus:
See more of the well-meaning silencers, they are the majority.
Perhaps, when we are confronted with gossip, it is the same.
Immersed in the sound of rumors for a long time, people's perception of the world will be biased
They doubt and deny everything about themselves, and feel shame and frustration as a result.
At this point, you might as well switch your focus and turn your gaze to the silent, well-meaning people.
You know, the malice of rumors is greater, but the kindness of silence is greater.
Following my words, Lili began to change perspectives and gradually recalled:
Although some neighbors often talk about her behind her back and make irresponsible remarks about her;
But most of the people in the village are very friendly to her, and they usually greet her warmly when they meet, and they will sincerely care about her.
These are the silent kindnesses that have always existed, but have always been ignored by her.
After realizing this, Lili's whole person began to become relaxed.
*: Visual China.
I have to say that gossip also makes us see all the ways of life
It allows us to quickly understand what's happening around us and what's happening in all corners of the world.
In the face of an event, everyone will have different analytical angles and different attitudes:
Some people are watching the excitement, some people are silent, some people are thinking deeply, and some people are learning from it.
But for us personally, what is more important is to explore our inner world through our own reaction to an event.
Our attitude towards each gossip story reflects our relationship with the story and our attitude towards the protagonist.
When we laugh at the protagonist, maybe what we are really laughing at is the ignorant self;
When we belittle the protagonist, maybe what we really devalue is our frustrated self;
When we pity the protagonist, perhaps what we really pity is our own ...... who has been in trouble
Behind every emotional projection of the protagonist, there is your attitude and evaluation of yourself at the moment.
If each of us could look at our own lives and our own hearts through the stories of others, it would be a stepping stone to our growth.
And after seeing all the world, we will only be more humble, more tolerant, and not surprised.
I hope you and I can have a good New Year and live calmly after recognizing the essence behind the rumors.