Personal opinion: Paranoia disabled me before **.
Delusions are defined as "fixed false beliefs." They are a common symptom of psychosis as well as certain types of depression and bipolar disorder.
Some scientists believe that when your brain is decompensated, the brain creates an imaginary world full of delusions to cope. Delusions vary from person to person, such as believing that they secretly work for the Intelligence Bureau, or believing that they will be taken into custody.
One might think that a microchip with a tracking device is implanted in their body, as dramatically depicted in the movie A Beautiful Mind. Others may experience religious fantasies about themselves as the Messiah or prophets. A friend of mine who suffers from psychosis believes she can** cancer as well as many other illnesses – all from the ward where she lives as a patient.
What I've been most surprised by by delusions over the years is that they have overwhelming power and are able to take control of your life and keep you away from the real world. My delusions would eventually become so distracting that I couldn't work and became disabled. Taking a small pill a day can dispel these delusions, which is also an unexpected, welcome surprise.
My delusional journey.
As a teenager, I spent a lot of time dreaming about what I was going to college and what I was going to study. Calculus was my favorite class in high school, and I was interested in biomedical engineering. When I received a scholarship to my dream school, the University of Southern California (USC), I was excited about my future there.
At first, things seemed to be going well. In the first semester, I took organic chemistry and other difficult courses. I also got a job at a lab that focused on bacterial DNA replication and was appointed principal violin in their community orchestra.
But something is very wrong.
As for the professor, who is in charge of the lab where I work, humility is not his strong point. He often talks about the Nobel Prize being within reach if only one set of experiments can work and produce other results that he really wants to see.
But in reality, this lab is excellent, and the professor has also received a multimillion-dollar grant to study DNA replication. However, the chances of winning the Nobel Prize are slim to none, but when he talks about his reach, it is sincere to me, and it becomes my goal.
I found myself spending time in the lab early in the morning and stopping a lot of study for exams. I was often late because I was exhausted from working in the lab for hours at night. My grades went down, but I didn't care, I wanted to be part of the team that won the Nobel Prize.
Leave the lab.
I continued to work in the lab throughout the summer after my first year at USC. In retrospect, I was supposed to start a new project, but I was exhausted and couldn't emotionally devote any more time to the lab. Because of my poor mind, I probably won't get a high score anyway.
The following year, in my sophomore year of college, I somehow picked myself up and took challenging courses, including engineering physics and advanced biochemistry, and achieved high grades. But my dream was still to win the Nobel Prize, and when I realized that this was not possible in the lab, I needed to find another way.
The defining day of 9 11 occurred during the fall semester of my junior year. Watching the news, I continue to look for any opportunity that will bring me money, fame, and influence. At the time, my church was sending a group of students to China to investigate one of the poorest areas in the country. I eagerly applied for my first passport and planned the trip. I spent all my time researching China online, and my grades were affected again.
In China, after encountering poor people, I began to rethink my life. Can I help a million people living in China? Or maybe millions? Is this my new calling?
When I was in high school, I was convinced that I would almost certainly graduate from high school unless there was a car accident or serious illness. When I traveled around China in 2001, I was equally convinced that I could influence millions of people. I gave up my love of science for a new dream in life.
2024 Travel Guide
After returning to the U.S. from China, I took the easiest course in college, but again my grades were low. Instead of focusing on my studies, I spent all my energy on a trip to the African countryside.
Still hoping to change the world, I went to Nairobi for two months in the summer of 2002 and spent most of my time living in poverty and not even having enough food to stay healthy. I never offered my parents that they could find my **number or address, although I promised them***
After living in Nairobi for two months, I am even more convinced that I can make an impact on the world. When I returned to college from my trip to Africa, I believed I was the next Mother Teresa, so I dropped out.
Rethink. Now, I've been completely ** from psychosis for more than fifteen years. My motivation to win the Nobel Prize has completely disappeared, as have my dreams of influencing millions of people and becoming famous, all delusions, as far as I know, due to faithful medication adherence.
Instead, I seek to make a real-world impact as a mental health advocate by running a nonprofit association that I founded with a psychiatrist seven years ago.
I currently live in a one-bedroom apartment near the University of Cincinnati. My life is filled with great relationships with my parents, many friends, and a loving church, where I play the violin for worship every week. I am satisfied with a fulfilling and purposeful life.
Today, I'm amazed at how this psychosis consumes young people's lives, leading to so many false expectations and impossible goals that feel so real.
Delusions are okay. Today, I hope I can achieve a higher goal than I ever thought I could be, and that is to help others from psychosis.