When faced with their children's vexatious and emotional out-of-control, many parents will find themselves in a dilemma: on the one hand, they are worried that overaccommodating their children will lead to educational failure, and on the other hand, they are afraid that harsh criticism will destroy the harmonious relationship between parents and children. So, is there a solution that can effectively guide children without harming the parent-child relationship?
The crux of the matter is that parents should be aware that behind their children's messing up are external dilemmas that cannot be dealt with and internal chaos that cannot be expressed. What parents need to do is to be a mirror of her.
On the road of parenting, countless parents have encountered scenes of their children being vexatious, messing around, and losing their temper. These moments are both a test and an opportunity for parents to learn. In the face of their children's emotional storms, parents often feel confused and helpless, and do not know how to cope. For example:
Due to the rain, the picnic was not allowed on the weekend, but the child ignored it and clamored to go;
Being late in the morning is criticized, but the child loses his temper at you, blaming you for not waking him up ......
On the road of parenting, the situation of children being vexatious, messing around, and losing their temper is indeed tricky and annoying for many parents. In the face of such behavior of children, if parents choose to tolerate or ignore them, the children may become more presumptuous, as if they will not give up until they achieve their goals. If parents choose to correct, reprimand or even punish harshly, although the child may temporarily restrain himself, this practice may alienate the parent-child relationship and make the child resist the parent.
So, is there really a way to transform a child's behavior in a benign way without harming the parent-child relationship? The answer is yes.
Why does the child lose his temper?
Before discussing the solution, we first need to go into the reasons for the child's tantrums. One possible explanation is external environmental factors, i.e., children may be facing some external challenges or dilemmas, but they lack adequate coping strategies to deal with them effectively. Here's an example:
Twelve-year-old Nini came home from school looking distraught.
Nini: I failed the exam, and I blame you.
Mom: What do you blame me?
Nini: I was in my room reviewing that day, and you had been watching TV in the living room, and you were noisy.
Mom: No, I only watched it for 30 minutes, and I didn't watch it again.
Nini: That also affected my revision! It's all your fault.
Mother: Enough! It's obvious that you didn't review it yourself, don't blame me in turn!
Seeing that her mother was angry, Nini didn't dare to continue arguing, and ran into the room crying.
There is indeed truth in her mother's words, and Nini herself really finds it difficult to admit and face the frustration of failing the exam, and instead blames her mother. However, instead of comforting her daughter by pointing this out directly and arguing with her daughter, it further exacerbates her upset and in turn destroys the intimacy between mother and daughter.
In fact, it wasn't her mother's act of watching TV at night that really touched Nini's emotions, but her frustration that she had tried to revise but still didn't get the grades she wanted. She was at a loss as to how to deal with the predicament. If the mother is able to perceive and understand this external challenge that Nini is facing, then the situation may improve.
Another possibility is that the child's inner state is confused, but they are not clear about how to express their feelings effectively. This could be due to their lack of proper communication skills or because they are confused and uncertain about their emotions. Here's an example:
Seven-year-old Duoduo was left after school and was devastated that the school's planned visit to the zoo had been cancelled due to rain. With this emotion, he hurried into the kitchen and confided in his busy mother about the change. However, his mother, who was focused on cooking, simply responded with an "oh" and did not give him enough emotional support.
At dinnertime, Duoduo's mood further affected his appetite. He refused to eat the food prepared by his mother and insisted on eating dumplings instead. To meet the child's needs, the mother cooked his favorite leek dumplings for him. However, after only one bite, Toto refused to continue eating. Later, he asked for peanut dumplings, a series of requests that made his mother feel troubled and tired.
Driven by emotions, my mother couldn't help but scold Duoduo. This sudden harsh response made Duoduo feel aggrieved, and he immediately burst into tears and lost control of his emotions. While crying, he began to throw dishes and chopsticks to express his inner dissatisfaction and anger.
In fact, Mom is already trying to meet Duoduo's needs, but Duoduo doesn't seem to be satisfied, and keeps embarrassing her mother and blocking her. Why is this so?
The real problem Duoduo faced was not the choice of dinner, but how to resolve the disappointment and anger caused by the failure of the trip to the zoo. If we can perceive and understand the mood swings in Toto's heart, then things may turn for the better.
Seeing the helplessness of the child,Transform his chaos
In other words, when a child exhibits vexatiousness and tantrums, the real intention behind it may be: "I am feeling extremely helpless and disorganized right now, and I need help." At this time, parents should avoid denial and accusation, and should not be submissive and conniving, but should gain insight into their children's feelings of helplessness and help them transform their inner turmoil. This consists of two specific steps:
Step 1: Acknowledge your child's real predicament.
Incidents such as the cancellation of picnics, criticism by teachers for being late, and poor exams may be insignificant in the eyes of **, but for children, they are of great significance. These experiences symbolize loss of control, shame, and frustration in their hearts.
When children are faced with a difficult situation and are overwhelmed, they may resort to ways such as passing the buck and throwing tantrums to escape the shame and frustration in their hearts. As parents, we can first try to understand and acknowledge our child's dilemma, for example:
The weather is unpredictable, and it is indeed very helpless;
It's not easy to get up early, and it's really embarrassing to be criticized by the teacher for being late;
Reviewing carefully but not doing well in the exam is indeed an uncomfortable ......
Such a response has two implications:
First, let the child realize that he is facing a dilemma.
Second, let the child feel that his parents are standing with him.
By acknowledging our children's plight, we are actually giving them more courage and strength to face the problem, rather than running away. This reduces the number of reasons for children to avoid and increases their motivation to respond positively to challenges. Children will feel cared for and supported by their parents, and will have more confidence to overcome difficulties and get out of difficulties.
Step 2: Mirror your child's inner emotions.
Just like a child needs to see himself through a physical mirror to know what he looks like; When a child's inner emotions are confused, parents also need to be their child's "emotional mirror": reflect the child's inner emotions through the language mirror and help the child identify his own feelings. When the child is able to recognize his or her emotions, the confusion will disappear and reason will return.
Another mother, Xiaoling, once faced a situation similar to Duoduo's mother. Because of the rain, the school canceled the spring outing plan, and the daughter was depressed. At that time, Xiaoling took another way of responding-
She realistically mirrored her daughter's appearance and emotions: "I saw a little girl without a smile, and she seemed very upset. The daughter glared at Xiaoling angrily: "Hmph! I am very upset! ”
Then the daughter told about the cancellation of the spring outing, and began to complain about the weather and the teacher. "I suppose you must be disappointed and dissatisfied with your teacher, right? Xiao Ling continued. The daughter let out a long sigh: "That's it! Whoever asks the teacher to talk doesn't count. ”
Xiaoling responded: "Thank you for telling me and letting me know what you really think." Hearing this, her daughter's anger seemed to subside a little: "Actually, you can't blame the teacher entirely, it's the weather, and the teacher can't help it." ”
Now it sounds like you're less angry with your teacher. The daughter nodded: "Well, the teacher said that she will rearrange it when the weather is good." After that, the daughter went back to her room to do her homework, and never complained about it again.
This is the process by which parents use "mirror reflection" to help children identify confused emotions and transform irrational beliefs. These two steps sound simple, but they are quite difficult to do. There are two main reasons for this:
First, we are accustomed to evaluating and educating children.
When a child feels out of control, shame and frustration, it is not only easy to become emotional and lose his temper, but also has a series of extreme ideas. For example, because it rains and can't go to the spring outing, the child will lose his temper and complain about the teacher's dishonesty; If you fail in the exam, the child will lose his temper and blame his mother for watching TV; Faced with such situations, we often can't help but give comments and correct children: "It's the weather, you can't blame the teacher." "It's your own problem, you can't blame me. ”
However, practice has proved that in the face of a mirror, children need to "reflect", not "preach". When the child is in a strong emotional state, he cannot listen to anything and cannot accept any constructive criticism. He just wants us to listen to his thoughts at the moment and understand his mood at the moment.
Only in a safe environment that is accepted and tolerated can children think correctly and act rightly. Even if they don't like their image in the mirror, they want to decide what to do next. Therefore, when acting as a "mirror of emotions" for children, parents do not need to substitute the value judgment of right and wrong, but only need to reflect the child's inner emotions and emotions truthfully.
Second, we ourselves have not been mirrored.
Many parents have lived in an environment that lacks tolerance since childhood. When we are emotionally distraught due to loss of control, shame, and frustration, adults often force us to change through criticism, preaching, and even punishment.
In this atmosphere, our inner true emotions have never been mirrored, nor have they been recognized and transformed. Therefore, when the child is unreasonable and emotionally out of control, it will become particularly difficult for us to mirror the child. At this time, the first thing we need to do is not to deal with children's emotional problems, but to find an "emotional mirror" that reflects our own emotions and emotions.
We can try to join a parent support group, from which we can honestly express our emotions and emotions, and see our own feelings through the mirror of others in the group; You can try to enter a counseling relationship, release your inner suppressed emotions, and through the help of a counselor, complete the identification and transformation little by little.
You can also take care of yourself in daily life, hug the inner child who was once full of helplessness and chaos, let your inner emotions be slowly captured, empower yourself in self-care, and accompany the inner child step by step out of the predicament and towards self-integration.
Accompanying the inner child to grow up slowly with a ** attitude is a lesson that every parent needs to learn. When you grow, your children will grow with you; As you mature, your child will mature.
Finally, I would like to add that when a child is vexatious, messing around, and losing his temper, transforming his inner chaotic emotions is not something that can be achieved overnight. It often requires a lot of time, effort, and patience from parents. We may not always be able to revolve around the needs of our children. After all, we also have our own things, our lives are not easy, and we also need to take care of our emotions.
When you really can't do it, you might as well try to admit your predicament and reflect your helplessness: I really want to be kind to my child and create a better environment for him to grow up; I've done my best to do what I can, and what remains of me is where I still need to grow; In any case, I have to understand and take care of myself before I go and embrace my child'......
Take care of your emotions first, and then make an emotional mirror - mirror the child's inner emotions and emotions, and witness the child's spontaneous correction and change. In this way, it is sufficient; That's what a great thing to do.
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