Homeschooling**, in the parents and not in the children.
Parents let go and give more choices back to their children, so that home is a haven rather than a desperate situation.
Author |Potato Mom.
When I saw this news, I was shocked and embarrassed.
Chinese female writer Li Yiyun, whose 19-year-old son crashed into a train at Princeton University, died.
In 2017, her eldest son, who was 16 years old, also committed suicide.
In just 7 years, the loss of two sons is a great grief for a mother.
Some people say that there is nothing more terrible about being a parent than this
The child would rather commit suicide than survive, and the parents do not know why the child has come to this point after the child's death.
In fact, it can be seen from Li Yiyun's growth experience that this family tragedy may have been foreshadowed.
Li Yiyun's parents are both Kochi, his father is a nuclear physics expert and is silent, and his mother is a Chinese teacher, who is irritable and irritable.
In Li Yiyun's eyes, her mother is like a "tyrant" in the family, who will lose her temper and cry inexplicably for no reason, which makes her afraid and suffocated.
From GQ's interview "Li Yiyun: When a Writer Refuses to Reconcile").
What's even more terrifying is the mother's almost ** possessiveness and control.
Since she was a child, her mother would monitor everything about her, even the diary.
In order not to be controlled, she made a lot of efforts.
In the beginning, she struggled to use "encrypted" language, for example, if she wanted to write about a bird she saw, she would write about trees, clouds, and sky, but she didn't write what she really wanted to record.
Later, she discovered that her mother did not understand English, so she began to learn to write in English.
In order to escape completely, she ran to the United States again.
But distance can't weaken her hatred for her mother.
She refused to write in Chinese, or even allow her works to be translated into Chinese, because she didn't want her mother to see them.
She didn't want to be like her mother, so she didn't allow herself to get out of control.
She has said that she has never slammed a door or smashed a cup or plate in her life.
But what she thought was confrontation had become a cage that trapped her.
In 2012, she committed suicide twice, narrowly missing her life, and was also diagnosed with depression.
At that time, her two sons, one was 11 years old and the other was 7 years old.
You must know that children are actually very sensitive, especially the mothers who are closest to them.
Even if Li Yiyun controls and hides herself extremely, the fragmentation and pain in her heart will definitely be perceived by the child.
How can a child who has been in the same room with her for a long time be mentally healthy?
This also confirms what is said in "The Original Family":
An unhealthy family system is like a chain of rear-end collisions on the highway, and its bad effects will be passed down from generation to generation.
Li Yiyun's various tragic experiences are heartbreaking and alarming: those toxic parents can really kill people.
Controlling parents
Trapped for the child's life
reminds me of a satirical short film "Umbilical Cord" I once watched, which is only 6 minutes long, but the meaning is very profound.
The mother worked hard to give birth to the child, and was reluctant to let the doctor cut the umbilical cord.
Because of this umbilical cord, the mother can control the child anytime and anywhere.
When the child touches the socket with scissors, jumps in the puddle, and scribbles on the wall, the mother can pull the umbilical cord back.
But gradually, this umbilical cord became an obstacle to the child's growth.
The child became an outlier among his classmates, and everyone made fun of him, isolated him, and even played with his umbilical cord.
But the mother still refused to let go, but angrily scolded the teacher and dropped the child out of school.
The child yearns for the outside world and longs to make friends, but the mother turns a blind eye to this.
Later, when the child grew up and had a favorite object, he secretly ran out on a date in the middle of the night.
The mother couldn't stand the child leaving her, and once again pulled the child back.
The child became angry and vowed to cut the umbilical cord and separate from his mother.
The mother, who was unwilling to "betray", fainted in anger, and the child could only kneel and repent and cry, and finally compromised again.
In this way, the child is like a puppet for the rest of his life, and can only stay with his mother and live according to her wishes.
And when the mother died, the umbilical cord finally broke.
Instead of rejoicing, the freed adult child falls into a breakdown and confusion because he has long since lost his ego.
Such parents also abound in reality:
The parents of Wang Meng, a high-achieving student at Peking University, have taken care of everything for him since he was a child. He listened to his parents about what he wore, who he befriended, and what school he attended.
When he went to Peking University, his parents also arranged for relatives at home to monitor his life.
Wang Meng, who was forced to breathe, wrote a 10,000-character long book, completely broke with his parents, and refused to go home again.
The mother of graduate student Yang Yuanyuan, in order to control her daughter, has been attached to her daughter like a leech for decades.
Even if I go to college, I have to live in my daughter's dormitory, squeeze into the same bed with my daughter, and never leave.
Yang Yuanyuan, who was tortured, could only hang himself in an extreme way in the end to end the pain.
There are many more parents who are controlling their children with the umbilical cord of **:
"I'm all for your good! ”"Can Mom and Dad still hurt you? ”But as for children, when they are young, they will think that "it will be good when they grow up", and when they grow up, they will realize that "it is only good if they die"."If it weren't for you.
Parental love, once it loses its scale and boundaries, will undoubtedly lead to tragedy in the end.
Accusatory parenting
Let the home be reduced to a "mental hospital".
In one **, children describe their parents like this:
Share happiness with them, and happiness will disappear; Talk to them about your troubles, and your troubles will be doubled.
Whatever you say to them, they can easily destroy you.
There are children who have to suffer from their parents' complaints and abuse again and again because of 50 yuan of living expenses.
When a girl dyed her hair, she was beaten up by her parents, and even humiliated as "like a young lady".
There was also a girl who broke down and cried at the mention of her parents.
She studied abroad alone, and because it was very hard to write ** recently, she made a fried rice noodle and wanted to treat herself.
Originally, she was full of joy to share it with her parents, but she was accused of "how can you eat but still eat".
From childhood to adulthood, her parents always belittled and suppressed her.
She remembered that when she was in high school, she studied very hard, and she was the last to walk in the whole building every time.
The doorman even gave the girl the key in the end and asked her to help close the door.
Sometimes when she sat on the side of the road and waited for her parents to pick her up, she would also read a book by the light on the side of the road.
But her parents not only turned a blind eye to her dedication and efforts, but also mocked her in a weird way: "Who are you pretending to show it to?" ”
Through the screen, you can feel the pain and suffocation of these children.
A study by the University of Migan has shown that:
When a person is verbally attacked, the emotional pain he feels is almost the same as the pain he experiences when he is physically injured.
The area of the brain that is activated when subjected to a verbal attack).
You think that the child does not hurt, but in fact, his heart has long been full of holes.
There was a child in Jilin who committed suicide by jumping into the river because of too much pressure to study, but fortunately well-wishers rescued him in time.
But when the father arrived at the scene, not only did he not care and comfort, but scolded his daughter:
I ask you, are you dead?
Go home if you don't die!
Obviously, the child has fallen into despair, but the parents prefer to make up for it at this time.
There is a dragon spring on the tongue, and there is no blood in the killing.
The accusations you blurt out are likely to be too heavy for your child to bear.
There was once a child who was suffering from depression and was reading a book in between medical visits.
The doctor praised her: "This child is really hardworking." ”
But the mother shook her head when she heard this, and her mouth pursed: "Work hard, fake hard work." ”
The contempt and ridicule in the mother's words made the doctor stomp his feet when he heard it.
Half an hour later, the kid jumped from the stairs.
In many cases, children would rather endure physical pain than long-term verbal abuse and denial from their parents.
If a home is full of complaints, accusations, and accusations, it is tantamount to a mental hospital.
In such an environment, it is impossible to raise normal children.
Irritable parents
It is the biggest disaster for children
A psychologist once treated a boy
He excelled in both character and learning, but in the second year of junior high school, he always yelled and convulsed inexplicably, and finally had to suspend school.
The boy's mother was worried, but went to several hospitals but did not see the results.
Later, someone suggested that she take the child to see a psychiatrist.
Only then did I know that the relationship between the boy's parents had always been bad, and he was always noisy.
When they were in their first year of junior high school, the two divorced.
Since then, the mother has often lost control, angry at the child at every turn, and vented all her dissatisfaction and resentment on the child.
Three points of temper, seven points of damage.
What's more, the boy has been emotionally attacked by his mother for a long time, and in the end he can only use a twisted way to release the pressure.
Psychiatrists have concluded that children who grow up under the influence of irritable parents have many personality flaws
Parents who are prone to losing control will really only bring pain and disaster to their children.
Dr. Ronald, an American expert in emotion management, has proposed the "12-second effect":
Stormy rage, which often lasts no more than 12 seconds.
Destroy everything when it erupts, but calm down after that, as long as you control these 12 seconds, you can get rid of negative emotions.
But in life, many parents often can't avoid these 12 seconds, and they are angry at their children, causing irreparable tragedy.
Not long ago, there was a 13-year-old boy in Mianyang, Sichuan, who only scored 18 points in physical education.
When the father learned this, he was furious and roared and reprimanded his son, while picking up a katana and stabbing his son.
Unexpectedly, this time it stabbed directly into his son's waist, and the blood immediately flowed.
The father came to his senses and dialed 120, but it was too late, and the boy died of excessive blood loss.
The child, who was still alive just now, suddenly turned into a cold corpse.
But in reality, this is not the first time that a father has scared a child with a katana, nor is it the first time that he has lost control of his emotions.
The boy had many old wounds on his body.
But even if the child is gone, the father is still defending himself:
I'm not a bad dad, I'm not a heinous person, I just do bad things with good intentions! ”
But if he hadn't been so impulsive at the beginning, if he had been able to sit down and communicate with his son calmly, then this tragedy would not have happened.
Parents who are controlled by emotions are like a time bomb.
The child can only live cautiously, walking on thin ice every day, because he does not know when he will be blown to pieces.
Psychologist Rabfman once said a sentence that is deafening:
"Most of the time, when a child commits suicide, the parents are not the victims, but the perpetrators. ”
Homeschooling**, in the parents and not in the children. It is the parents who should see the doctor the most, and it is the parents who should reflect and change the most.
Bondage is not protection, control is not education.
Don't use accusations to show your concern, and don't use anger to push your child into a corner.
Our love should warm the child, not destroy the child.