Whether it is education, appearance, or family background, Xiaozi's comprehensive conditions can be regarded as "superior". But when she lived to be 32 years old, she was still the standard "mother" of the older age.
"Mother's single", the abbreviation of maternal singleness, is an Internet buzzword, referring to people who have never been officially in love since birth.
In the past six years, Xiaozi has been on a blind date more than 100 times, but she has never established a formal relationship with anyone.
Outsiders don't understand this, and don't even believe in her identity as a "mother single", thinking that she must be too demanding and too picky. 4 years ago, Xiaozi began to deliberately downplay the label of "mother single" and "lied" that she had two love experiences.
In reality, there are not a few men and women like Xiaozi who have been "single" for many years.
In the three years since the establishment of Douban's "Mother Single Mutual Aid Group", more than 40,000 netizens have joined it to find resonance and help each other "get rid of singles"; On social **, there are also many netizens who label themselves as "mother singles" to share and complain about related experiences.
As a member of the "mother single" group, Xiaozi also opened a new account this year. Here's her story.
01 The seventh day of the Lunar New Year
Urged to marry by his father
At the beginning, the family 'smashed the pot and sold iron' for you to go out to study, just so that you could find a high-quality son-in-law to come back, (as a result) you didn't read the book well, and the object was not recovered, wasting money! ”
When I was studying abroad, I didn't tell me to deal with me! ”
Do you still need to teach this kind of thing? How old are you that you can't use your brain? ”
Xiao Zi graduated from the University of Sheffield with a master's degree.
Xiao Zi is good-looking, graduated from a prestigious school with a master's degree, and has a decent job, but she has never been in love until she is 32 years old, which makes her parents very troubled.
For Xiaozi, being urged to marry by her parents has become a daily routine. She got up in the morning and went to the bathroom to wash, and her parents began to stand aside and urge: "Do you have a date with a boy tonight?" Be proactive in chatting! ”
Until she goes out to work, these broken thoughts will always linger in Xiao Zi's ears.
Over the years, Xiaozi has already been "numb".
But on the seventh day of the Lunar New Year this year, before the Spring Festival ended, Xiaozi felt "too annoying", but she still couldn't hold back, and opened her mouth to contradict her father.
The dispute stemmed from Xiao Zi's resolute reluctance to consider a blind date with a height of less than 1.7 meters, and her father was very angry because of this, feeling that Xiao Zi was "too picky".
If it doesn't work, I'll go out and live! The father was also angry: "Then you go out early!" ”
On the second day of the quarrel, Xiaozi made an appointment with an intermediary to see the house. That night, she looked at two apartments near her company.
As early as when she graduated, Xiaozi had the idea of living alone away from home, and she also had this idea when she had an argument with her parents before. This is the first time that renting has been translated from idea to action.
But when she really started looking at the house, she realized that renting a house was not as easy as she thought.
The budget of 2000 yuan can only rent a partition room. There are 6 rooms at the entrance of a household, and most of the bathrooms in the rooms are built in the later stage. And most of them can only be selected in the small area of the relocation house. This type of community environment is cluttered.
Xiao Zi rents an apartment to consider.
For Xiao Zi, such a living environment is really a bit harsh, and it can't be compared with home at all. She didn't want to suffer outside, and she didn't want to be angry at home. The search for a house was "stuck" at the beginning.
02 100 blind dates in six years
There is no love
In addition to looking at the house, the rest of Xiaozi's itinerary on the eighth day of the Lunar New Year is related to marriage and love: going to Faxi Temple in the morning to ask for marriage, and meeting a new blind date in the afternoon.
Xiaozi has been to Faxi Temple many times, but it is the first time that she has specifically asked for marriage. Worshipping all the way up the mountain, passing by many single men and women, all Xiao Zi wants in her heart is a smooth marriage.
When she went down the mountain, she specially bought a marriage blessing bag. Maybe it really worked, and the blind date in the afternoon was quite pleasant.
The blind date scratched two lottery tickets before watching the movie, and both of them won the prize. Xiao Zi joked that it was she who brought her fortune.
On this blind date, both of them felt good and thought they could make another appointment. Although the two have not yet finalized the time of their second meeting, they have kept in touch.
The blind date scratched the lottery ticket.
In the past six years, Xiaozi has been on a blind date with more than 100 people, but she has never been able to establish a relationship with anyone.
The first blind date was when Xiaozi was 25 years old. The boy's appearance, words and deeds failed to meet Xiaozi's requirements.
At that time, she was studying for graduate school in the United Kingdom, and when she returned to China in the summer, her parents arranged to meet each other.
The boy's family conditions are comparable to Xiaozi's, and he returned to China after graduating from a university in New Zealand.
After meeting for the first time, the two parties made another appointment alone, and Xiaozi made it clear that she refused.
The reasons why Xiaozi can't accept this boy include: he is not tall, speaks with a Hangpu accent, sometimes uses dirty words, and his speech and demeanor show that "emotional intelligence is not enough".
You're such a good girl" "You're perfect in my eyes" ......These compliments made Xiao Zi not know how to answer, "After spending more time with him, I feel that my double business is going to be lowered." ”
Xiao Zi went to the temple to ask for marriage.
After returning to China to work, Xiaozi's blind date rhythm became intensive, and at a certain stage, she even maintained the frequency of 1 person per week.
Xiaozi's blind date has many channels: introduction of parents, relatives and friends, online dating platforms, and local matchmaker intermediaries.
Compared with many singles, Xiao Zi is more positive. In a local matchmaker network in Hangzhou, Xiaozi spent tens of thousands of yuan to apply for VIP membership.
Because of the blind date, Xiaozi checked in all the nearby business districts and various restaurants. At first, everyone would make an appointment for dinner, but later even afternoon tea felt luxurious.
During the blind date, Xiaozi also encountered all kinds of strange things: she met 2 boys on the same day, and the other party happened to be in the same store, so she drank afternoon tea and dinner here; A boy wanted to hug her when they met 3 times, and after being rejected, he taught her "too old, don't fantasize about love"; A blind date who failed to match with others still blows "rainbow fart" to her after marrying others, and often consults Xiaozi's company's investment products, but he doesn't care about his wife's financial products, Xiaozi can only persuade him to contribute more performance ...... to his wife
Xiao Zi and her blind date went to the West Lake.
The blind date is like completing a KPI in the later stage, and it feels like everyone is meeting casually, and they don't expect much from each other. Xiao Zi said.
For these blind date experiences that failed to be successfully matched, Xiaozi recalled that in most cases, boys have a good impression of her, and occasionally she has a good impression of boys, but the other party is not too "cold".
In the blind date, Xiaozi values the aspects including the boy's personal ability, dedication, health, personality, three views, family conditions, and appearance.
The main characteristics of the boys who were "passed" by her were: not doing their jobs, playing home, too greasy, too utilitarian, too inferior, etc.
And there are many reasons why she is not favored by the other party: she is not fashionable in dressing, the work of a financial manager is miscellaneous, her knowledge is not wide enough, she is too good at spending money and her consumption concept is inconsistent, etc.
A birthday bouquet given to Xiao Zi by a blind date.
Free love may not be a big problem, but when it comes to blind dates, everyone's tolerance for shortcomings is very low. Xiaozi said that she thinks that the men and women in the blind date market may not be too careful, and everyone is used to picking on each other.
Among the many blind date experiences, Xiao Zineng recalled only two heartbeats, both because of the other party's better appearance conditions.
Once, the other party was a boy from other places, and his comprehensive conditions in terms of education, work, and appearance were good. But after meeting for the first time, the boy said frankly that Xiaozi had never been in love, and he might be more demanding, and he would be tired of getting along, and he would feel pressured.
Another heartbeat is also because "boys are more handsome" and "people are more elegant". But the boy had a marriage that lasted for 6 years and did not have children, and Xiaozi had some doubts about this.
After a short period of upward movement, Xiao Zi quickly pulled away, "The boy's peach blossom eyes are very good at discharging, so it can't work." Handsome can make me go up instantly, but there are more factors that make me go down. So my liking doesn't last long, only my own fantasy lasts the longest. ”
03 Relationships are always bad
A kick in the door
On closer examination, Xiao Zi's emotional world is not completely blank. But these feelings are hidden in the heart.
If a crush is also a type of love, then Xiaozi's first love happened in junior high school. From junior high school to college, she has always had a crush on a "handsome and handsome" male classmate.
The boys are mischievous but have excellent grades. After washing her hands, throwing water at her, asking her to borrow a calculator and sticking a small note to say "thank you", stretching her feet on the seat to trip her, these small details made Xiaozi's heart move.
After graduating from junior high school, the two went to different high schools, and Xiaozi began to write letters to each other.
Worried that boys would be annoying, she wrote a maximum of two letters a semester. Once, a boy praised a certain type of stationery for its good looks, so she kept buying that one.
On the eve of the boy's departure, Xiao Zi deliberately rode to his seat and left a handwritten letter and chocolates.
Actually, the boy has always known about Xiaozi's liking, but neither of them thought about developing a relationship, and the connection slowly faded later.
For Xiao Zi, the crush in middle school is pure, and she doesn't force being together.
Xiaozi junior high school spring outing shooting**.
Another moment that is very close to falling in love is a two-way crush. At a dinner in her sophomore year, Xiaozi saw a handsome junior, and she took the initiative to add WeChat.
The two made an appointment to chat and walk at night, and the younger brother gave her chocolates and invited her to dinner... The relationship between the two slowly became closer.
After a comic con event, several people ate barbecue together, and the junior brother got drunk and held her hand. Xiao Zi and the other companions sent the junior brother to the hotel, Xiao Zi sat on the edge of the bed, and the junior fell asleep on her lap.
When the dormitory was about to close, Xiao Zi got up and wanted to leave, but the junior squatted on the ground and pulled her pitifully to prevent her from leaving. Later, Xiao Zi did not leave and stayed in another room.
The two have known each other for ten years and have kept in touch on and off. The younger brother later fell in love 2 times and is now married. Xiao Zi's relationship with him also stayed at the level of friends.
The two later reviewed it and found out that this was a two-way crush.
A parrot pendant sent by a younger brother.
Xiaozi's strong yearning for marriage was during the epidemic. At that time, the company took a pay cut, she contracted the coronavirus, and she spent her 30th birthday alone in her room, and for the first time, she felt strongly that she needed to find someone to "fight the risk" together.
At that time, she had already missed the most suitable "childhood sweetheart" to get married, and this time was the moment she was closest to getting married.
Both parents are teachers at the same university, the two live in the same community, have known each other since kindergarten, and used to take a taxi to cram school together in junior high school.
After the two graduated from college, the boy's parents always wanted to match them. Xiaozi's mother was reluctant at first, feeling that the conditions in the man's home were still slightly worse than her own. For example: not much savings, buying a house late, family living habits are not good, etc.
Later, seeing that Xiaozi had not fallen in love for several years after working, Xiaozi's mother acquiesced to the contact between the two.
Bamboo horse gave Xiaozi a 28th birthday gift.
The boy took Xiaozi to visit the furniture city and supermarket, went to his newly renovated house to ventilate, picked her up from work, and asked her to travel to Xiamen and Suzhou. "Dating him is like living after marriage, and he's a good fit for life. ”
It's a pity that during the whole process, Xiao Zi didn't feel like she was in love.
After the boy confessed, Xiao Zi chose to refuse, "If I meet him now, I will accept it." But back then, I would have made the same decision. ”
04 Why can't you do it all the time?
Entering into an intimate relationship?
Since she was a child, Xiao Zi has become accustomed to family discipline and constraints. From the professional direction to the daily mobile phone usage time, parents will ask almost all the time; Diaries, text messages, parents will also peek.
Xiao Zi and her mother have almost no secrets, her mother knows every boy she likes, and Xiao Zi is also used to sharing the blind date process with her parents.
Her father sometimes pointed out how she got along with boys, for example, "Don't meet for more than 4 hours for the first time, and keep it mysterious." If you don't get noticed by a boy on a blind date, your mother will count Xiaozi as "not dressed up well and unkempt".
Xiao Zi and Zhu Ma travel in Xiamen.
Parents used to be more optimistic about "childhood sweethearts", thinking that the other party's conditions must be "seconds" in the blind date market.
The hard conditions of "Bamboo Horse" include: Hangzhou locals, two suites, and old houses in Hangzhou to be demolished; 187cm tall, graduated from a prestigious school, served as a small leader in an Internet company, took company options, with an annual salary of 50w+, and a BMW; Calm and introverted personality, intimate and warm man, and simple emotional experience.
When Xiaozi told them that she felt that "Bamboo Horse" was not in good health, she would snore when she slept at night. When my father heard this, he immediately changed his words and said, "That's not good, forget it." ”
Xiaozi said that she is usually too picky, but she feels that her father is actually more picky than her. "If I really bring a boy home, he will definitely be jealous, and he will definitely find all kinds of thorns without even thinking about it. ”
Parents usually have a simple criteria for her mate selection, "I hope the boy has a good character and is good to her", but in fact, when she meets a specific person, she still can't help but be picky.
Xiao Zi's Qingteng Love (a more well-known highly-educated dating app) account was registered by her mother, and her mother usually helps her use and manage her dating situation - "liking each other" with many boys on the app, investigating and interrogating chats.
My mom likes and I don't like the same type. After chatting for a while, my mother showed the information in her mobile phone to Xiao Zi, and Xiao Zi clicked to cancel "like" one by one.
Xiao Zi and the blind date look at the slam dunk.
After discovering that her mother often logged in to her account to check information, Xiaozi was reluctant to use that app anymore.
Due to family education and other reasons, Xiaozi has always been cautious about relationships and cannot enter a relationship at will. Even if you like it in your heart, you will remain rational and "don't want to give a boy a name".
I used to be prone to internal friction, afraid to fall in love, and felt that it would take a long time to get out of love. Xiao Zi originally thought that if she didn't fall in love, she wouldn't be in pain. She didn't expect that crushes and ambiguities would also hurt people.
When her middle school crush "took off the single", she posted the first ins story with a junior high school spring outing** to commemorate her crush that ended without a problem.
Later, the junior brother fell in love, and his girlfriend minded the relationship between Xiaozi and the younger brother, and after Xiaozi and the junior deleted each other's WeChat, they began to fall into self-doubt, and once questioned whether they had moral problems.
During that time, even during the day, she didn't want to go out, drew the curtains, turned off the lights, stayed in the dormitory, ate a lot of cold drinks and sweets, and as a result, she gained weight like crazy.
Xiao Zi hid in the bookstore for a day because she was urged to marry by her family.
During this period, she cleaned up a lot of WeChat friends, and many of them lost contact. She also rejected various invitations from her friends and fell into great internal friction. But fortunately, as time went on, she slowly walked out.
05 for 2024
Main Quest: "Get Out of Order".
In real life, there are many young men and women like Xiaozi who have been "single" for many years.
Since its inception in February 2021, more than 40,000 netizens have joined Douban's "Mother Single Mutual Aid Group", where everyone shares their single life, finds resonance, and provides help for friends who want to "get rid of singles".
Administrator Xinyi is 26 years old this year, and she was often joked about by her friends because of her "mother single".
During that time, the emotional groups on Douban were very active, such as the crush group, the persuasion group, etc., but most of these groups were aimed at people with emotional experience, and Xin Yi and his friends were rejected when they applied for ** to join the crush group.
Xinyi joked: "It seems that without emotional experience, you can't build a group on Douban." Xinyi happened to have a lot of "mother single" friends around her, so she discussed with her friends to build a group to "play" together.
Douban Mother Single Mutual Aid Group.
The reasons for each person's motherhood are different, some people are introverted, some people are not sociable, and so on. In real life, being older but never in a relationship is likely to be negatively evaluated, so you can try to maintain a friendly atmosphere in the group. Xinyi said.
Since the age of 28, Xiaozi will hardly say that she is a "mother single", but will say that she has two love experiences.
There are two main reasons why Xiaozi "lies": one is that most of the blind dates don't believe that she has never been in love, and every time she explains it, it will be troublesome, and the other party feels unbelievable after listening to it.
On the other hand, others are likely to find her demanding and difficult to chase. She simply didn't talk much about her love experience.
Xiao Zi yearns for an evenly matched, two-way relationship. Among her many blind dates, many of them can reach 7 points in a comprehensive evaluation, meeting her requirements for marriage and love. But it seems that picking and picking, she wants to wait for a higher score.
Xiao Zi also understands that if she had fully faced reality, she would have achieved her goal a long time ago, but there were many contradictions in her heart. "People can't want everything, they have to be clear about what the core point they want to look for. I haven't figured it out yet. ”
The lantern given by the junior brother was hung in the dormitory, accompanying Xiao Zi.
Xiaozi has 3 "mother single" friends by her side. One is a female colleague born in 1996, who has had a crush experience, is currently addicted to work, loves food, and does not have much yearning for love or blind dates; A high school sister born in 1993, she used to love chasing stars, but now she loves chasing dramas, and she never discusses relationship issues with Xiaozi; Another high school sister born in 1994 was once caught in the anxiety of "mother single" blind date.
In the end, this 30-year-old girl lives in Zhuji, Zhejiang, and the marriage urging in a small city is even more serious.
After frequent blind dates to no avail, she was so stressed that she went to the doctor and had to rely on medicine to recuperate. As soon as the two met, the topic revolved around a blind date.
Compared with other "mother single" friends around her, Xiaozi is much more proactive.
She has always longed for love, and when she was young, she set a goal for herself: first love at the age of 20 and marriage at the age of 25. even imagined giving birth to a caring daughter like himself after marriage. Today, it seems that none of these goals will be easy to achieve.
Xiao Zi went on a blind date at Qingshan Lake.
Classmates and colleagues at different stages have married one after another, and after careful calculation, Xiaozi has been a bridesmaid 10 times.
Seeing all the good sisters around her getting married and having children, Xiaozi had the idea of whether she should also be in a hurry.
At the beginning of this year, Xiaozi opened a new account on a social ** to share her daily life of being urged to marry.
Recently, Xiaozi has swiped a lot of "mother single" sharing posts on the Internet. Now, she has also clarified her main task as an older "mother single", that is, to "get rid of the single" in 2024.
Written by |Beijing Youth Daily reporter Chen Jing and intern Tu Shengqing.
Co-ordination |Lin Yan, Zhang Bin.
* |Photo provided by the interviewee, screenshot of the network.