A counselor once asked me, "Do you know that I would most like to ban dialogue between lovers?" 」
I said, "What are you talking about?" ”
I never said that. She said.
She told me that people say that almost every week. And, as soon as one person says that, the whole conversation changes, and the debate starts on whether he actually said that.
What should not be said? Several psychiatrists in the United States have summarized the following 8 sentences.
1. "You always ......."”
2. "You never ......."”
The biggest hurt of these two phrases is that they won't recognize each other's efforts. This was stated by Kiril Gears, Washington's spiritual mentor.
When your significant other hears these two sentences, your significant other may feel resistant, so that your conversation will detach from the topic and turn into a heated argument, Gaines said.
Gaines suggested that the conversation between the two should focus on the issue at hand. Try to live for the present and not dwell on the past.
3. "You should be like so-and-so." ”
4. "This will never happen between me and others. ”
It's definitely not a good idea to compare your significant other to anyone else. "I see," Gaines said. Comparison can easily cause jealousy and hurt the self-esteem of the other party.
This phrase will make you lose faith in your significant other. "As a clinician, the subtext I've heard is that you are the cause of the problems we have. ”
Trying to avoid involving others in your relationship and focusing on your own needs can make you feel vulnerable but more productive, Gaines said.
5. "Yes, but ......."”
Alexandra Solomon, a psychologist at Northwestern University's Family School and author of Love Every Day, said she often hears such statements.
You're ten minutes late. Someone might say, "Yes, but you arrived late last week." ”
However, these two words are more of a warning. That is, you can't focus on the problem at hand, but pass it on to someone else.
Solomon believed that instead of blindly justifying the other person, it was necessary to focus on the words and actions of the other person. Try something like, "I hear what you're saying?".”
6. "You're overreacting. ”
If you tell your lover this word, then you are evading responsibility. Solomon says that no one can be like an "emotional insurance expert," and we can't decide what kind of response is appropriate.
Dr. Solomon suggested that you could say something like, "Okay, I'm listening. Tell me more about it, so I can understand what is wrong with you. ”
7. "You have to calm down. ”
Dr. Jung says that making it a little easier for your spouse can often be counterproductive. The implication is: You're sick!
If one or both people are feeling irritable, Dr. Jung advises them to take a break and relax. Or, you can ask your lover, "Do you need anything right now?"”
8. "It's not a big deal. ”
If you say that what the other person is worried about is not a big deal, you are belittling the other person. "You can't measure how others feel about something," Gaines said.
Gaines argues that you have to admit that you have differences of opinion. Then ask your partner to help you figure out the importance of an issue and give them all the support you can.
Husbands and wives will have great opinions on the same thing. Gaines recounted an incident with his wife. His wife, Noemy, was very neat and methodical, but he was different. Once, when Gaines poured a bowl of hard-shell oatmeal into the kitchen, his wife jokingly rebuked him, saying that by doing so, he was "ruining her." ”