Have you ever had a moment when the harder you worked, the more anxious you became?
My friend Xiaoli recently started a blind date.
I was very surprised and asked, "You just graduated and took the public exam, why did you go on a blind date so soon?" ”
Her answer was a little helpless:
"I wasn't urged by my parents, saying that I can pick slowly while I'm young, otherwise I won't even have the initiative in two years. ”
For a moment, the conversation fell silent as we realized that just a year ago, we had almost identical conversations.
It's just that the theme is not a blind date, but a public examination.
*:p Exels Xiaoli's life seems to be pushed along:
I started looking for internships in my freshman year to prepare for work.
In my senior year, I couldn't find a suitable job due to the epidemic, so I hurriedly prepared to take the public entrance examination.
I finally got ashore, and within a few days, "life events" were put on the agenda again.
So what's next? Getting married, having a baby, having a second child, getting promoted, retiring?
is only in his twenties, but he seems to be able to see the end at a glance.
There's always a reason to be busy, when can you stop and enjoy your life?
The ultimate lifeWhat are we all preparing for? Xiaoli is a typical small-town girl from a well-off family.
Since she was a child, her parents taught her that studying hard is to find a better job in the future. In the third year of high school, she developed a strong interest in small languages, but when she applied for the volunteer, she was resolutely opposed by her parents.
Xiaoli weighed it again and again, and finally changed to a major that she didn't like, but thought she was safe.
The next plot is the same, Xiaoli takes every step,It's not about what you like to do, it's about preparing for the next step.
The internship is to prepare for the right job in the future;The purpose of taking the public examination is to have a good job, and to marry well in the future;
Marrying well is to have a good baby, and ...... have a secure life when you are old
*:p Exels, however, I have been preparing for half my life, so when will the "main drama" of life begin?
Not only Xiaoli, but many people's lives have become a strange and self-consistent chain.
It seems to be for his own good, but in fact, he can't get along with his current self for the uncertain future.
The Korean-German philosopher Han Byung-chul put forward the idea of self-exploitation in his book The Disappearance of the Other:
There is no exploitative other here, but rather the self willingly oppresses itself, based on a belief in self-improvement. ”
This means that in modern society, the blatant exploitation of others has become less and less.
But exploitation has not disappeared from this, but through various means, "others exploit you" subtly become "you exploit yourself".
*:p exelsFor example, your parents want you to live the way they want you to be, so they instill in you "what you should do" under the pretext of being good for you, such as:
You are so difficult to get into a good university, you should find a stable job", you have a high degree and a good job, you should find a partner", you are now married, and having a baby should also be on the agenda" ......
Over time, even you don't know whether all your efforts are really for your own good or to cater to other people's expectations.
And it is almost impossible to achieve perfection in the eyes of others.
After living in this environment for a long time, it is easy to feel guilty when we fail to meet the expectations of others.
This feeling of guilt will turn our heads and push us to continue "trying", thus creating a vicious circle, and the end result is that we are killed by ourselves.
The only way to break the game is to change your mindset and figure out what you're living for.
Go ashoreAnd not the only answerSelf-exploitation is often done in order to cater to the predetermined utilitarian purposes of others.
The embodiment in reality is what we often sayGo ashore
Some time ago, a Xiaohongshu user posted to share his detailed experience of "falling in love", separating every step of love, and the main thing is that it is fast and effective. 
*: How to post from the circle of friends and what actions to do when meeting to attract the attention of the other party.
When to make the next move, no matter how big or small, the sweet love is forced to be played into a customs clearance game.
The post caused heated discussions, and what is even more confusing is that since then, similar "love experts" have continued to appear.
It can be seen how deep the society's obsession with "going ashore" is, which was only limited to public entrance examinations in the past, but now everything can go ashore.
*: After the Internet but on the shore, will we become winners in life and enter the marriage hall with the male god?
Probably not, but even the original intention of falling in love has been lost.
The mentality of "preparing" may achieve a specific purpose, but it also prevents us from feeling the present life itself.
Previously, a female graduate student from Zhongchuan went to work in a hot pot restaurant and became popular.
She said that in order to pursue her dream of being a screenwriter, she gave up the so-called ashore and chose to work in a hot pot restaurant.
*: In the face of a life that seems a bit "failed" to outsiders, she and her friends said this:
People say we're a good hand, but when you flip the table, you'll find that you have a lot to choose from. ”
I felt more free and open than I had ever felt before. ”
Their calm attitude and bright smiles have cured the spiritual internal friction of many netizens.
While not everyone can emulate this experience, it might as well give us an idea:
It is not only to meet the expectations of others in everything is called "going ashore", as long as we live seriously, no matter which way, it can help us reach the other side of happiness.
Drop itMisplaced expectationsHaving said that, many people may have realized that the source of self-exploitation lies in unreasonable expectations.
Everyone has expectations for life, but many times these expectations are so vague that we always feel like we are "not good enough".
There are even times when we take the expectations of others and worldly ideas as our own.
At this point, we can try to slow down and think hard about whether your expectations are reasonable.
Below we also give a few common unreasonable expectations, and the corresponding solutions:
1) Vague expectations
The most typical vague expectations are "I want to achieve financial freedom" and "I want to be more successful than my old classmates".
These expectations are generally very broad aspirations, but what exactly is called "financial freedom" and "success".
Even if we don't know it, it's easy to end up in a situation where we are not satisfied no matter what.
The solution is simple: redefine your expectations and replace vague expectations with accurate, realistic ones.
*：pexelsFor example, if you want to be financially free, then think first: what is the monthly salary to be called financial freedom?
If you think that a monthly salary of 30,000 is called financial freedom, but your current monthly salary is only 3,000, is this expectation realistic for you now?
If it's not realistic, then set a goal of "relatively more financial freedom" within your current capabilities, such as reaching a monthly salary of 5,000 within a year.
After you have achieved this goal, set a reasonable new goal in the next stage until you gradually get closer to the ultimate goal of 30,000 yuan per month.
Remember, at any stage, we should strive for "improvement" rather than "perfection".
As long as you are better than your past self, then you are successful.
2) Outdated expectations
People's situations and mentalities are changing all the time, so expectations are also time-sensitive.
For example, when you just graduated, you expected to find a job with a monthly salary of 10,000 yuan, and you could be promoted and raised within a year, but after you really entered the society, you found that this was not the case at all.
If you still have old expectations, it is easy to feel frustrated in reality and then panic to find a way to "go ashore".
So the solution is to look at each expectation with a dynamic mindset, and understand that expectations can also change.
*：pexelsEvery time you enter a new phase of your life, it's important to reassess your expectations and adjust accordingly.
If you try a lot and find that you can only find a job with a monthly salary of 3,000 instead of 10,000, then change your expectation to a monthly salary of 3,000, but try to strive for a company and position with room for improvement.
Don't feel guilty that you "can't reach your goal", you must know that most of us are just ordinary people, and it is already great to be able to live an ordinary life to a little more exciting.
The process is more important than the goal.
3) Expectations of others
Expectations are what we set for ourselves, but a lot of times, it starts with what others want you to do.
What others want isn't necessarily what you want, or it's simply not feasible.
The most typical is between parents and children, parents want us to get married and have children, but our own life planning is not necessarily like this.
*:p exelsSo it is very important to know ourselves clearly, and when we have an expectation in our hearts, we should not rush to achieve it, but think about two more questions:
Is this my expectation, or is it someone else's expectation? ”
If that's what I'm looking forward to, then why is it important to me? ”
At this point, you might as well pull out a piece of paper and list what to expect and why.
Finally, get rid of the expectations that you have in order to make others happy, and keep the expectations that are entirely your own.
After this step, you will find that many of the anxieties that used to bother you disappear and your world will become much more open.
Of course, all of the above steps are not done all at once, and you need to repeat them until you internalize them into your own habits.
Until then, you can use the checklist to remind yourself at any time, and you can also communicate with friends you trust to monitor and encourage each other.
Eventually, you'll find a balance between expectation and reality, freeing yourself from the shackles of self-exploitation.
Either way, remember that there are only 30,000 days in life.
There is very little time left for us to "prepare", so we might as well start with the New Year, starting todayTry to live for the moment, for yourself.