Cold violence is a kind of violence, which is manifested indifferently, contemptively, alienated and indifferent, etc., cold violence is not simply avoiding communication, but as a means to deliberately harm people's spirit and psychology, in order to gain the initiative in the relationship. In fact, the root cause of cold violence often lies in the power imbalance of the partnership, and as the party who is coldly violent, it is often in a weak position. Therefore, it is not easy to break this pattern, and this article will ** how to face and get rid of this mental abuse.
The essence of cold violence is to know that you are in an advantageous position in the relationship, and you know that the pain brought by cold violence to the other party is far greater than the pain caused to yourself, so you casually use this extremely lethal **, the purpose is to make the other party further controlled by yourself.
1.1 simple and brutal damage
As a party to an intimate relationship, the abuser knows very well what to do to hurt the other party, usually good in daily communication, once you want to communicate in depth, cold and violent, keep silent when you are eager to communicate, provoke your angry negative emotions, he knows what kind of reaction you need now, but he chooses not to respond, shake your inner sense of stability, and achieve the purpose of torturing you.
1.2. Instinctive defense mechanisms
Everyone is influenced by their family of origin and the environment in which they grew up, and they will form their own set of defense mechanisms in intimate relationships, and when they encounter certain situations, they will subconsciously turn on psychological defenses, which are more due to self-preservation instinct than deliberately hurting you. At this time, you can think back to your past communication experience, whether it was because you were too serious, or you couldn't control your emotions well, which brought a certain amount of mental pressure to the other party.
1.3. Self-centeredness
Some people's cold violence is motivated by "selfish desires", that is, selfishness. What about cold violence only against you, a close one? This group of people is not good at empathy, not good at understanding other people's emotions, as if a mountain is in front of them, the original family, the growth environment, and self-awareness are all the causes of this mountain. If they want to cross the mountain, they must admit the mountain and admit their flaws.
1.4. Mental illness or personality disorder
Some abusers may be suffering from mental illness deep down, and they may suffer from personality disorders, such as borderline personality disorder, ** personality disorder, etc. Losing one's way in the ocean of interpersonal interactions, leading to unhealthy attitudes and behaviors towards others. They are like ships swallowed up by darkness, sailing uncontrollably towards the abyss of indifference and violence.
Speaking of cold violence, you may already have all kinds of assumptions in your mind, the cold face of your partner when he is angry, and the posture of the other party not caring no matter how much you plead. But you may not be clear about the criteria and boundaries of cold violence, and you are not sure whether you are cold violence, or cold violence against others, see if the following description is suitable for you or your partner:
2.1. Refuse to communicate
When the other party uses cold violence, you have to guess, you have to observe, you have to scrutinize, whether he is angry, whether he has an opinion about you, whether I have touched his bottom line, the abuser will refuse to communicate on important issues, or choose to avoid the problems that plague the relationship. Denying your worth with some cold words, while continuing to deepen the attitude of refusing to communicate, completely destroys your sense of security.
2.2. Verbal sarcasm
His attitude is not salty, hot and cold, and targeted, making you feel as if only you are overreacting, and the other party does not attach importance to the relationship at all. Then, you start to fall into self-doubt again: "Why do I care so much?" and they will also express their dissatisfaction with you from time to time, or have something to say that makes you feel like you have no sparkle.
2.3. Control and restriction of freedom
The abuser may exert pressure by controlling and restricting the victim's freedom. For example, restricting victims' interactions with friends and family, controlling their financial independence, or monitoring their whereabouts and means of communication. Such acts deprive the victim of his or her personal freedom and dignity, making him feel constrained and oppressed.
2.4. Lack of real feedback
One of the core characteristics of cold violence: passive aggression. Passivity is the use of negative, inconspicuous ways to vent anger in order to attack someone or something that displeased him. He may have accumulated dissatisfaction and displeasure in his heart at this time, but he will not express it to you, and secretly he will not act and cooperate. He will be silent about his own emotions and will not share them with you.
2.5 Threats and intimidation
Perpetrators often use violence and threats to forcibly control the victim and bend it to their will. Such acts of intimidation not only pose a serious threat to the lives of the victims, but also cause great psychological and emotional damage to them. It's like on a cold winter night, a beast sneaks in on a helpless fawn and takes away its freedom and safety through intimidation and threats.
3.1** Close
The status of the perpetrators of cold violence, as well as the victims, is unequal, and the perpetrators are often of a higher status. Before the relationship is established, the abuser is himself an object of affection or respect for the surrounding environment. So when the abuser makes excessive demands on the victim, the victim will readily agree.
3.2. Manipulation control
When the victim begins to believe in the abuser unconditionally, the abuser will begin to use his own mind to deliberately suppress the victim and control the other party's behavior by denying, questioning, and abusive. What's even more frightening is that victims often don't realize this, and because they trust the other person, they think that the other person is right. In the end, the perpetrator has the final say on his actions.
3.3. Distort the facts and sell miserably
The abuser's own thinking also has its own set of rogue logic. For example, at a family dinner, when the victim presents his or her own opinions or needs, the abuser may interpret them as fussy or vexatious and use their financial hardship or other excuses to cover up their aggression. After a set of arguments, the victim felt that he was wrong to blame the abuser.
4.1. Channel his negative cognitions
In fact, the abuser will squeeze all kinds of negative emotions into his mind. Whether it is the external environment directly smashing at them, or his own negative attribution. He would call it compromise, tolerance, understanding. But you tell him, it's not. True tolerance and understanding are decisions made together on the basis of communication and consultation between the two parties, rather than a hard sentence of "busy", "so be it" and "whatever you want".
4.2. Rebuild the communication mechanism
First of all, you must clearly realize that the other party's cold violence is his inner panic, or subconscious avoidance, and secondly, you must make it clear that what you are doing now is to form a benign communication with the other party, rather than a simple emotional catharsis, so you must hold back your more intense emotions, and at the same time pay attention to the comfort of the other party's emotions. When he is emotionally positive, agree with him on the rules of communication, and if he does not perform, he will be punished.
4.3. Focus on yourself
When they are cold and violent, the more you treat them, the more you can provoke them to test and stay away from you. Therefore, being mindful of your feelings and needs at all times, and being aware of your own worth and dignity, is the key to regaining inner strength and control. By cultivating self-awareness and establishing healthy personal boundaries, we can gradually break free from dependence and control over others and regain control over our own lives.
4.4. Stop loss in time
If the reason for the other party's cold violence is simple and rough hurt, don't talk about love at this time, the cold violence carried out for the purpose of harm is a manifestation of his love for himself more, and it is the first step for him to exercise mental control over you, and obtain the dominant power of your relationship through cold violence, so that you gradually lose yourself in this relationship and can only be attached to him. Then there is nothing to say, just one word: run.
In the journey of getting rid of the cold violence in the intimate relationship, we may encounter all kinds of challenges and difficulties, self-help, far more important than trying to maintain the relationship, only when we really pay attention to our own feelings and needs, and stand firmly on our own side, can we get rid of the shackles of cold violence and embrace freedom and happiness again. May each of us be brave enough to step out of the shadows and embrace a better tomorrow.