Many people think that our feelings are our reactions to things outside the world, but in fact, all feelings, even those of the strongest fear, pleasure, or pain, come from our inner minds.
Contact: At one point, I mistakenly thought that as long as others didn't bother me, I wouldn't have the pain of not knowing how to refuse. As long as people don't assign me tasks, I don't have the burden of having to do this and doing it to the best of my ability. As long as the outside world doesn't trouble me, as long as others don't provoke me and bully me, I'll be fine.
I'm scared, I'm scared, I'm anxious, I think it's all caused by the outside world. As long as the external stimulus to me is removed, I will be fine.
It turns out that I was wrong, I was sensitive and always got angry about all sorts of things. It wasn't until I read a book called Understanding Anger by Cong Feicong.
I realized that the pain was real, but it wasn't my fault. Every painful and angry event that makes me feel so painful is an opportunity for me to rediscover myself and save myself.
For example, my husband loves fishing. I really like it, I like it very much. I've quarreled with him about it before, but now it's not between us.
In the process of exploring, I unearthed a bunch of facts that scared me. I'm angry because I think of my dad, when we kids were working in the fields with my mom in the scorching sun, he was riding a motorcycle by himself, selling his brother and mom to get fish, and he stayed in the air-conditioned mahjong room to play cards in exchange for money, and we were suffering while he was enjoying it. Not only that, but he also disliked that we didn't do enough, and we took our work for granted.
In the case of my husband's fishing, I projected my husband as my father, and I labeled him as irresponsible, disregarding his family, only caring about his own pleasure, not loving his wife and children, having no conscience, and so on.
As I continued to explore, I repeated that my husband was a selfish person who was irresponsible, cared about his family, only cared about his own pleasure, did not love his wife and children, and was selfish. Babbling and talking, I realized that this was not the actual situation at all.
My husband is not my father, most of what he does is responsible, taking care of the family, and everything good is close to me and the children first.
In addition to the mortgage and living, I will pay a lot of money. I am reluctant to buy clothes by myself, but I am reluctant to buy them, I am reluctant to eat something good outside by myself, and when I go home, I want to try to make something delicious for me to eat, and even eat fruit This thing has to wait until I come home, buy it and eat it with us. I had to find a cheap store to cut my hair, and the money I saved said that I could buy a toy for my son and buy me some snacks.
He went home to accompany me and my children during the holidays, although he was not a perfect father and husband, but he was always improving, learning, listening, and changing according to what I wanted.
The fishing rod and bait had to say hello to me several times, and every time he went out fishing, he passed by me, and he was very angry why I agreed to let him go, and I was very angry when he went and came back.
I discovered that I was afraid of repeating the nightmare I had when I was a child, and I was afraid that I would end up being my mom and my husband would be like my dad.
But the truth is not, my husband is not my father, and I will not be as weak as my mother. If you don't get along, it's torture to live together, and I don't think it's as good as separating. As for the child, I have thought about it, my mother-in-law's family, grandparents, grandparents and the baby's father all really love the child, and I am not worried that the child will become what I was when I was a child. Thinking about it this way, I don't have to let go of my husband's fishing.
From the bottom of my heart I think about my husband's fishing, this is his hobby, just like I have my hobbies and ways to relax, I love books, he loves fishing. He felt that fishing would relax him.
And he took two days off on the weekend, occasionally went fishing, and also went out fishing while my son and I were napping, and came back to cook for us in advance when it was almost time to eat.
Not only that, every time he comes back, I will find that he talks more, and he rarely confides in me about any troubles in the company, but fishing I think it may be his way of relieving his troubles, he is under a lot of pressure, and I am not under a lot of pressure. He doesn't want to pass on his anxiety to me, and I don't vomit or be unhappy, so what about his venting?
With this exploration, fishing is no longer a matter between us. In addition, I also learned to be authentic and be true to myself.
For example, he said that he said that he would go fishing for a while, but I didn't say anything, and he said that I agreed again, but I was very unhappy when I came back.
Later, I found out that I didn't want him to go in my heart, but I wanted to be a good daughter-in-law, so I wanted him to listen to what I said, but do it according to my heart. So I'm the "perfect" daughter-in-law.
Now I just want him to accompany us more, and I don't want him to go fishing. I need his help, I want to do something else, and I need to rest and express it directly. If I say he still wants to go, it means that he may be tired and needs to recharge urgently, and I understand him. Hurry up and think about how I can make myself and the child more comfortable when he is not there.
Usually he insists on going, and coming back will "compensate" us.
When I shared my journey with him like this, he looked at me speechlessly, crying and laughing.
I also think I'm really talented.