"Exploration of Extramarital Sexual Stimulation".
1. Attract the literacy of love
There is not only a difference between good and bad character, but also a difference between wide and narrow. Good or bad is quality, and width and depth are not necessarily just quantity.
It is very reasonable for the ancients to call the despicable "villain" and "the man who fights the basket", and how many evil deeds are due to shallow nature and small means.
If I were a philosopher of the past and came to today's world, what would I miss most? It must be these six words: kindness, abundance, nobility.
Compassion, that is, treating people as human beings treat each other as they should, is the foundation of morality.
Without empathy, people are not people, and society is not a place for people to stay.
How did man become a beast? It starts with the numbness and death of compassion, from which all bad things can be done.
Therefore, kindness is the most basic moral quality, the initial and final boundary that distinguishes good people from bad people.
A kind person has a tolerant heart, which can forgive people's shortcomings, and tolerate people's strengths, and is not jealous. It is more difficult to tolerate excellence, and it is more important for an open society.
Healthy relationships and social order depend on respect, not love.
The reason is simple: you can only love a few, but you must respect all of them.
Love can soothe loneliness, but it cannot and should not eliminate loneliness. If love tries to eliminate loneliness, it will lose its sense of proportion and go to the opposite.
A sense of proportion is a sign of mature love, which knows how to observe the necessary distance between people, and this distance implies respect for the other person as an independent personality, including respect for the right of the other person to be alone.
What is Integrity?
It's when I deal with people, as if to say, "I'm going to tell you what I really think, and I'm going to be responsible for it." That's honesty and keeping promises.
When you say that, you are very self-respecting and are looking at yourself as a dignified person.
At the same time, it is as if to say: I want you to tell me what you really think, and believe that you will be responsible for it. That's trust.
When you say that, you are very respectful of the other person and treat him as a dignified person.
Thus, integrity is based on a sense of human dignity shared by both parties to the transaction.
An attitude towards suffering is the best indication of whether a person has intrinsic dignity.
For example, as long as the lovelorn truly loves the person who abandoned him, it is impossible for him not to feel great pain.
However, they are also in love, some people give up on themselves and languish because of this, some people turn against each other and even take revenge, and some people suffer silently with self-esteem and respect for other people's feelings, and there are huge differences in personality.
Of course, each person's personality is not static, and his attitude towards pain itself is also shaping his personality.
Whatever the suffering, as long as he is always aware of his freedom to adopt an attitude and encourages himself to endure it with a stoic and noble attitude, he is more effective than ever in raising his personality.
As we live in the world, we inevitably have to bear all kinds of responsibilities, from our families, relatives, and friends, to our own positions, and to the country and society. Most of these responsibilities should be shouldered.
However, let's not forget that there is a fundamental responsibility to take responsibility for our own lives.
Everyone has only one chance to live once in the world, and no one can live again in place of him.
If this only time in life was wasted, no one could really comfort him.
Recognizing this, how can we not have a strong sense of responsibility for our own lives?
In a sense, all kinds of other responsibilities in the world can be shared or transferred, but the responsibility for one's own life, everyone can only bear it completely by themselves, and they can't rely on others at all.
In each of us, in addition to the outer self, there is an inner spiritual self.
Unfortunately, many people have this inner self that is always asleep or even stunted.
In order for the inner self to grow healthily, you must give it adequate nutrition.
If you regularly read good books, meditate, appreciate art, and have a rich spiritual life, you will definitely feel that there is indeed a higher self in you, and this self is your unswerving spiritual close friend on the road of life.
People should have the source of happiness in themselves, it is inherent in everyone, it is up to you to explore and enrich it. This is your heart.
The joy of the mind is self-sufficient. If your mind is rich enough, you can enjoy yourself even in the most monotonous of environments.
If your heart is noble enough, you will be able to continue to improve yourself even in the most tragic disasters. This is a fortune that no external force can take away, and it is what Mencius called "the peace of man", and you can live and live by it.
Second, the level of happiness
1.Sensual pleasure
When you follow the impulses of the senses and stimulate your eyes, tongue, ears, nose, sex, **, etc., you will feel a very primitive pleasure. Including eating well, drinking well, sleeping well, staying up late to catch up on dramas, traveling to see the scenery, playing in the playground, tobacco, alcohol, tea, coffee addiction, etc., these are very exciting. Especially the excitement of chasing dramas, you will replace yourself into a rich story scene, and feel the full range of sensory stimulation in the fantasy.
These sensory stimuli make people happy. You just have to follow your desires and satisfy yourself to the fullest extent that reality allows.
Sometimes I restrain myself and don't dare to let myself have this kind of happiness. Don't let yourself eat when you want to, because you will gain weight; When you stay up late to watch dramas, you have to scold yourself because it hurts your body; If you want to travel, you have to limit yourself with money, because you can't waste money.
There is certainly something good about restraining yourself, which makes people better and better on a realistic level. But the result of constant restraint is that I have not been satisfied, and I have gradually lost myself. One should not overindulge oneself, but one should indulge oneself to the maximum extent possible within a safe range in order to feel happy.
A healthy state is one of indulgence and restraint.
2.Mood is happy
When do you start to restrain your sensual impulses?
When you have negative emotions such as anxiety, guilt, self-blame, emptiness, etc. This is when you can choose to prioritize your emotions over your senses.
Playing games is a sensory stimulus and very refreshing. But playing games is anxious, so what to do? You have to put down the game and start learning. At this time you maintain restraint, and in the process of restraint you feel the pleasure of being soothed by anxiety. The purpose of your restraint is not because you are "learning is right", but because you want to do something to calm your anxiety. In the same way, your choice of fitness, going to bed early, and dieting is not about right or wrong, but because it calms your anxiety and gives you a sense of satisfaction.
Sometimes you feel some negative emotions in your body that make you feel bad. But congratulations, because this is the time when you have the opportunity to be happy. When your anger is cared for, your anxiety is appeased, your fears are taken care of, your sense of low worth is comforted, and your loneliness is accompanied, you will feel a sense of satisfaction. How strong your emotions are, how satisfying your emotions are when they are taken care of. This is the joy of having your emotions taken care of.
There are two directions for emotional care: one is to take care of yourself; One is to invite others to take care of it.
Both directions have the same premise: your emotions are very important. Only if you feel that your emotions are an important thing will you be willing to take care of them.
Some people crave intimacy when they are weak in their ego, want to fall in love, want to change the other person to love themselves, and want to be cared for and noticed. In fact, the desire for intimacy is that I want to have someone who can soothe my emotions.
When your emotions are taken care of, you will experience that you are loving yourself and will feel grounded.
3.Spirited joy
Reading a good book, listening to a good class, having an inspiration, doing a successful thing, doing a public welfare project, etc., at this time, you will feel that your life is sublimating, and you will feel a special sense of accomplishment, meaning, and existence in your heart.
Emotions, in addition to soothing, can also be learned and pondered. In learning and thinking, you will get sublimated spiritual happiness.
When you are anxious, you can go to study, work, and exercise to soothe your anxiety. But if you think about the mental process behind it, you understand the fear in the depths of anxiety, you get sublimation, you feel the greatness of life and your own hardships, and you get spiritual happiness.
When you are lonely, you can relieve it by drinking, alcohol stimulates your nerves, and you are looking for sensual pleasure; You're looking for someone to keep you company, you're taking care of your emotions, and you're getting emotional happiness; When you decide to face it, you stay with loneliness, think about loneliness, understand why you are lonely, and the meaning that loneliness brings to you, you will be sublimated and feel spiritual happiness.
Thinking, reading, attending lectures, counseling, chatting with others, meditating, art, etc., can give you some insight about yourself and the world. If you practice these realizations, you can get great satisfaction by doing public welfare, helping others, creating, doing projects, and investing your love for others and things.
That's where the meaning of your life lies. You will experience a sense of "being" satisfaction, which is your spiritual happiness.
3. Analysis of extramarital sex.
Sex outside of marriage is found to be exciting, especially in the beginning.
This is obviously caused by psychological stress:
Both parties are always very excited (lust, guilt) when they are together, and they only have a few hours to make the most of them. This is rarely the case between spouses.
Another reason for mutual attraction is:
Both parties will always see only the most beautiful manners and the best performance of the other, and will not see the other person's tired and dirty appearance, when taking care of children, cooking or other mediocre chores.
Every minute they spent together was extraordinary, as both sides were stealing the forbidden fruit. The combination of guilt and excitement has an unusual effect, which may be why people think that sex outside of marriage and sexual pleasure make them feel stronger.
The experiences and feelings of sex outside of marriage are often difficult to get from a spouse. The familiarity of staying together every day makes people no longer pay attention to each other. Long-term living together makes it difficult to maintain the ** feeling between people, and there are too many distractions that slowly erode the attention to **.
Affaires often happen by chance at first, and it takes a long time for both parties to be strongly emotionally involved. This long-term affair is the greatest threat to marriage, and it is often the prelude to a marriage change. The novelty and excitement of extramarital sex gives the illusion that its intensity will persist for a long time, and people do not want to believe that a new marriage will turn into another mediocre relationship.
Sex outside of marriage is exciting precisely because of its nature of not having to live with the same person forever.
Consciousness will make them more susceptible to **, increasing the irritation of being involved in this taboo. But for most people, the danger of unfolding is a burden, and they have to work with their extramarital partners to discuss countermeasures.
The secret nature of this relationship is annoying for single women and is not easy for married men and women.
They are ashamed of this secretive nature, and the practice of hiding from the other spouse goes against their beliefs about the importance of their relationship.
One side will say: You must be ashamed of me; The other side said: There is no shame in loving each other. Once such words are spoken, the intimacy and trust of the two lovers will inevitably be damaged.
There are usually two ways in which things come to light.
One is to happen to be discovered: by a spouse or friend; or in an accident where the two men were found in the same suspicious location; Or someone who has sex outside of marriage has contracted a sexually transmitted disease.
This way of discovery is mostly caused by negligence: lipstick or perfume is misplaced, ** is intercepted by chance, and love letters are left in a leather bag.
This negligence may have a variety of motives: it may be to end the marital relationship, or to end the extramarital relationship, but you can't do it directly, so you create a "disclosure incident" in order to sever the relationship with the other side. There are also people who deliberately hurt their spouse or lover, and hurt the spouse of their lover.
Another way to expose yourself is to confess yourself. This confession can be both a public announcement and a confession. The former aims to end one marriage and start another; The latter is often the result of a sense of guilt, and the person who surrenders himself to his spouse through confession in order to maintain the marriage.
Guilt plays a complex role in sexual relationships outside of marriage. Someone who does something like this and doesn't get caught doing it gets excited because he has managed to get away with it; For others, they feel overwhelmed by the knowledge that they are immoral.
Sexual liberalists are reluctant to admit or mention guilt because it is believed that everyone who does such a thing feels guilty, yet many of those who have sex outside of marriage do harbor guilt and do not know how to deal with the situation.
When people first get married, no one thinks they will get divorced or have an affair, they believe that their marriage will be happy and lasting, they never want to do something "unfaithful", but always expect a faithful relationship. However, the spouse was still faithful to him, and he was no longer faithful.
Some people do not feel guilty about having sex outside of marriage, but find reasons for their infidelity, such as "I need more sexual satisfaction", "I'm in the net", "I'm just impulsive"; Others feel the weight of guilt, especially when genuine feelings are triggered. It is this guilt that leads to the revelation of extramarital sexual relations that can lead to a disturbance in which the sexual relationship itself is relegated to the background, dimmed, and dormant until it is aroused again.
The consequences of disclosure vary depending on the nature of the relationship. The party at fault either withdraws from the marriage or leaves the lover. The couple reconciled with each other. Couples either revert to their original agreement or allow sexual relations outside of marriage to continue on certain terms. Such negotiations are sometimes conducted by the parties alone, sometimes with the help of professionals.
Another serious consequence of the disclosure of extramarital sexual relations is the strong resentment of the innocent party towards the wrongdoing partner.
Both parties are embarrassed in front of their friends, and the intensity of the damaged feeling is often unexpected, and the resentment will manifest itself as a revenge mentality in the divorce process.
Because men are more likely to be involved in extramarital sexual relationships, women are often the victims, and women are more likely to have a sense of revenge than men.
Of course, when men are faithful and women are having affairs, feelings of anger and humiliation are stronger.
Sexual liberals tend to underestimate the feelings of the victims, claiming that both partners are adults and that the pain of breaking the marriage is far greater than the pain of reconciliation by giving each other sexual freedom.
If both parties agree to this free way at the time of marriage, and both parties have equal opportunities to break the marriage, then this statement is impeccable.
In order for the right to freedom of sex outside of marriage not only to men, it is necessary to provide women with the same economic and personal freedoms, which enable women to make the same choices.
In the present situation, advocates of such freedom often fail to notice its costs and do not recognize the need to change other aspects of social life in order to ensure equal sexual opportunities for men and women.
Like guilt, jealousy is a common feeling that people get caught up in. Most people are quite sensitive.
The so-called sexual jealousy feeling is a feeling that your spouse or lover gives someone else what should be given to you.
Men are generally jealous of this sense of ownership, and women often feel the same way.
When people get married, they feel that they have taken ownership of the other person, that is, that the person's time, energy, resources, including sex, are all theirs.
No one has ever expressed exactly this property-like relationship with another person, and the nature of ownership of marriage is what one expects one's spouse to give to him automatically without negotiation.
For example, if you want to have sex with someone who is not married, you must negotiate with the other person, unless it is **; And if you want to talk to your spouse**, the so-called negotiation will be greatly reduced, and you will expect to be able to talk to the other person** without discussion.
That feeling of "possessing someone" or "belonging to someone" sexually is very real to many people.
If a person's spouse has sex with another person, he will feel that the spouse has stolen something that belongs to him.
This is a twofold betrayal: a betrayal of trust, and a betrayal of ownership.
This awareness can be traced back to the conditions laid down in the marriage contract, which is the only indefinite contract of all contracts until the death of one of the parties.
Most deeds, such as a 30-year mortgage deed, always have an end period, but the marriage contract is perpetual and provides for perpetual ownership of the sex, which cannot be shared by others. Extramarital sexual relations are tantamount to the abolition of the contract.
Couples can continue to share a home, raise children together, and do everything a married couple should do, but if one of them does not leave sex only to the other, he or she is not "faithful" to the contract.
To sum up, human beings are human beings, and unlike animals, they have higher pursuits. When there is a conflict between low-level happiness and higher-level happiness, taking precedence over taking care of relatively high-level happiness will make you happier. At the same time, it also makes you more successful and happier.
Ding Jungui. February 3, 2024.