Cultivating oneself to appease others
1. Good Guy Syndrome
In the minds of ordinary people, the value of good people is self-evident, and there is no doubt that it seems that the more good people, the better. As for who is a good person, and what are the characteristics of the psychology and behavior of a good person, few people have thought about it carefully.
The so-called "good people" are those who are very kind and kind to others, especially good at talking, responsive to requests, find ways to help others, and take pride in benefiting others without self-interest. For them, being a good person is not only a habit or way of behaving, but also a special interpersonal relationship with others.
Good people do things that are beneficial and pleasing to others, so good people are always able to please others. Few people hate good people who come to do good things for themselves for free.
It can be said that other people who accept the act of good people helping others have selfish purposes, intentionally or unintentionally, to take advantage of and benefit from this characteristic of good people. And the good people not only don't care about it, but they enjoy it. It is a problem that good deeds do not necessarily contribute to the accumulation of good in society, but most people just see it as an innocuous problem.
In essence, being a good person is not a trivial problem, but a harmful mental illness, which stems from the lack of confidence in the "good person's" own individual value, and the desire to do good deeds to others in exchange for external affirmation and praise.
Good Guy Syndrome is often not just a behavioral deviation, but also a sign of a crisis in some aspect of life or career.
For example, people with good guy syndrome tend to be mediocre people who work very hard but have limited accomplishments, and doing good deeds becomes a way for them to be compensated for being looked at or praised by others.
For example, they may have deficiencies in their family or family relationships, such as orphans, single parents, and lack of love from their parents or siblings, which will make them more concerned about the estranged person's affection for them and will not hesitate to make any effort to do so. Some even speak ill of their family members on the one hand, and are particularly amiable to outsiders on the other.
And "being a good person" is not a good person's business, it often troubles the family and even brings them the feeling of suffering with it. The indistinguishability of good people can also cause harm to family members.
Psychologists point out that in order for a person to maintain a healthy mind and have reasonable behavior, he must maintain a certain "health boundary".
Every individual lives within a certain physical, emotional, and mental health boundary that helps him judge and decide who can be accepted, and to what extent, for whom he can give what, and to what extent.
People's negative feelings are generally determined by this sense of boundaries. For example, if your child needs help with her homework or asks you to take her to a children's playground on the weekend, you will feel guilty if you can't do it. If the leader of your unit urges you to do more good deeds in your spare time, if you can't do it, you are likely to feel not guilty, but afraid that the leader will be unhappy and will keep your account.
Desperate to do good deeds, not self-interested, but only to others, no matter what the cost is to make others accept you and like you, before such behavior, or before such behavior becomes a "good thing" in your mind, your personal health boundaries and sense of intimacy must have undergone some kind of mutation. Because in human society, the natural education given to young children by normal families, including the education of kinship and estrangement, is not like this.
The Good Guy Syndrome is often accompanied by a distorted view of happiness. Almost all good people consciously or subconsciously have thoughts similar to this: if I hide my shortcomings and become what others want me to be, then others will affirm me, think I am good, and will respect me and value me. In this way, my life has meaning, value, and I have found happiness.
Actually, this feeling of happiness or self-conscious satisfaction depends on what others think of me, and I can't grasp it myself, so I'm not actually happy.
For people suffering from the Good Person Syndrome, doing good deeds without leaving a name and not letting others know that they are doing good deeds is not only an incredible thing, but it is simply a disaster that destroys their only happiness. We should not make moral accusations against them, but should give them understanding, sympathy and compassion.
2. Individualism is not scary
Many people think that individualism is a terrible beast, but it is actually ordinary, sound and harmless.
Being for oneself is the foundation of a scholar, and being a person is the end of a scholar. The scholar's business must first be for himself and me, and if he has more than himself, then the world can be a person, but not a person.
That is to say, a person should be for himself in the beginning, and when he has more than enough for himself, he should be for others, and he must not do anything but for others.
A person should cultivate himself into a tool, so that he has enough knowledge, ability and affection before he can serve others.
Confucius's disciple Zi Lu asked Confucius one day, "How can I be a gentleman?" ”
Confucius replied, "Cultivate oneself with respect."
The meaning of this sentence is to carefully cultivate, train, and educate oneself well.
Zilu said again: "Is this enough? ”
Confucius replied, "Cultivate oneself to appease others."
The meaning of this sentence is to cultivate, train, and educate yourself first, and then for others.
Zilu asked again, "Is this enough?" ”
Confucius replied: "Cultivate oneself to appease the people, cultivate oneself to appease the people, Yao Shun is still sick." ”
The meaning of this sentence is to cultivate, train, and educate oneself well, and then to serve the people, and then to serve the people after cultivating oneself, even if a saint is like Yao Shun, it is not easy to do.
Confucius's words also started from individualism.
Since then, it can be seen that from now back to the time of Confucius, almost all of them are based on self-cultivation.
Self-cultivation is to train, cultivate, and educate oneself well. Therefore, individualism is not terrible, especially for young people to establish an outlook on life, but also to carefully cultivate, train, and educate themselves as a material.
In ancient China, there was the concept of "three immortals": morality, which is about personality and morality; To make meritorious service is to establish meritorious deeds; Words are the language of thought.
To what extent a person wants to be virtuous, meritorious, and speechless, the scope must be expanded, because people's deeds are immortal whether they are good or evil.
The ancient saying of our country: "Lingering for a hundred years, leaving a stench for ten thousand years" is ...... this meaning
Therefore, our actions, every word and action, should be responsible to the society. We must not allow our actions to have a bad impact on society, because even if we die, the bad influence we leave behind will still be permanent.
We must not forget the influence of society when we speak out, and dare not forget the influence of society in every step. Even if we leave a blank spot in society, we must not leave a single stain.
3. The highest level of health preservation
Wang Yangming, a thinker of the Ming Dynasty, said: "Knowledge is the idea of action, and action is the kung fu of knowledge; Knowledge is the beginning of action, and action is the completion of knowledge. ”
There is action in knowledge, and there is knowledge in action, which is the unity of knowledge and action.
Understanding the unity of knowledge and action can not only bring our lives to a new level, but also the highest level of health preservation.
If the mind and body are synchronized, the power of life will be more concentrated; Words and deeds are consistent, the spirit walks with the environment, and the unhappiness of life will be scarce.
In this way, both the body and the mind can be nourished.
Mencius said in "Fish I Want":
Fish, I want too; Bear's paws, as well as what I want; You can't have both, give up the fish and take the bear's paw. ”
People's desires are like rivers, if they don't know how to make trade-offs, they will be like a monstrous flood, out of control.
Knowing how to make trade-offs is not only a manifestation of a person's maturity, but also the essence of health preservation.
If you can't give up the excessive pursuit of fame and fortune, you won't get good health; If you can't give up the excessive greed for material things, you will not be able to achieve harmony between mind and body.
Between giving up, conform to your heart, you can be calm in the world, so that you are safe.
Small giveaway, big giveaway. Life is achieved in this give-and-take, and health preservation is also carried out in this give-and-take.
Adapting to the four seasons, changing daily life and rest, and eating a balanced diet can achieve "the unity of nature and man", which is an important method of health preservation.
However, "those who are good at health preservation should nourish their minds and intellect on the top, form on the middle, and muscles and bones on the bottom." People who are really good at health know how to let their hearts conform to nature and get sufficient nourishment.
Life is short, there is no need to argue about temporary honor and disgrace, justice is at ease in the hearts of the people.
When the mind changes, the road in front of me also becomes wider. Conform to the law of all things, what life gives us, we open our arms to accept it, and let it work, what is there to worry about in life?
Life is like this, instead of complaining and being paranoid, it is better to look at life from a different perspective, this is the wise man.
Going with nature seems to be "taking a step back", but in fact, this is the optimism of the mentality.
There are ten things that you can't do in life, so it's better to put your eyes on the things you have, always experience the fun, and keep your heart away from depression.
4. Ability and desire
It is impossible for us to know what absolute happiness or absolute pain looks like, he is all mixed up in life; We don't experience pure sensation in it, we can't experience two different moments in the same situation.
Just as our bodies change, so do the emotions of our hearts.
Everyone has happiness and suffering, but to varying degrees.
Whoever suffers the least is the one who is happy; Whoever feels the least happiness is the most pitiful.
There is always more pain than pleasure, and this is a difference that we all share.
In this world, people's happiness can only be viewed negatively, and the criteria for measuring it are:
A person who suffers less should be considered a happy person.
All painful feelings are inseparable from the desire to be free from suffering, and all conceptions of pleasure are inseparable from the desire to enjoy pleasure.
Therefore, all desires imply a lack of happiness, and as soon as a lack of happiness is felt, there is pain.
So, our suffering is born out of a mismatch between our desires and abilities.
A person who has feelings will become an absolutely miserable person when his abilities expand his desires.
So, where is man's wisdom or true path to happiness?
Rather, it is not about reducing our desires, because if our desires are less than our abilities, then a part of our abilities is idle and cannot be used, and we cannot fully enjoy our existence.
Nor is it about expanding our abilities, because if our desires are also increased in greater proportions, then we will only suffer more.
Therefore, the problem is to reduce those desires that are beyond our ability and to achieve an adequate balance between the two of power and will.
Therefore, it is only when all forces are used that the mind can remain at peace and the life of man be brought into order.
Nature always does the best, which is why it arranges people in this way in the first place.
Initially, it only gave him the desires necessary to sustain his survival and the sufficient ability to satisfy them.
It stores the rest of its abilities in the depths of the human psyche and uses them only when they are needed.
It is only in the primitive state that abilities and desires are balanced, and one does not feel pain.
As soon as the latent abilities begin to work, the imagination, which is most active of all abilities, awakens and takes the lead.
It is this imagination that shows us what is possible, good or bad, and that we have the hope of satisfying our desires, thus making our desires grow even more.
However, the target, which at first seemed to be within reach, fled so quickly that we could not catch up.
Just when we thought we were catching up, it changed its appearance again and appeared far ahead of us.
We can no longer see where we have walked, and we don't think about it anymore.
The wilderness that has yet to be trekked is constantly expanding. As a result, we are exhausted and we don't reach the end.
The farther we get to enjoy it, the farther away happiness is from us.
On the contrary, the closer a man is to his natural state, the less different his abilities and desires become, and therefore the distance to happiness is not so far.
His pain is mildest only when he seems to have nothing, for the cause of suffering is not the lack of something, but the need for it.
The real world is finite, but the imaginary world has no end.
If we cannot enlarge one world, we must limit another.
For it is precisely because of the only difference between them that we have all kinds of suffering.
In addition to physical strength, health, and conscience, happiness in life varies according to each person's perspective.
Except for physical pain and the reproach of conscience, all our suffering is imaginary.
What do we mean when we say that man is weak?
The word "weak" refers to a relationship, to the existential relationship that we use it to express.
Anything that has more physical strength than necessary, even an insect, is very strong.
Anything that requires more physical strength, even if it is an elephant, a lion, or a victor, or a hero, or a god, is very weak.
Angels who do not understand their own nature and act arbitrarily are weaker than happy mortals who live in peace and tranquility according to their own nature.
A person who is satisfied with his current strength is a strong person.
If you want to act beyond the power of a human being, you will become very weak.
Therefore, do not think that by expanding your faculties, you can increase your physical strength; If your pride is greater than your physical strength, you will reduce your physical strength.
We have to measure our range of activity, we have to stay in that range like a spider in a web, so that we can always meet our own needs and not complain that we are weak because we don't feel weak at all.
Fifth, indisputable and shared.
Genius is the ability to concentrate.
It's very simple, if you can focus all your energy on one or two points, no matter how stupid you are, you will definitely be able to get things done well, and you can do it better than others.
Therefore, "the husband is not fighting, so he can't fight with it", if we understand it well, we can really use it for life.
Sometimes your arguments actually expose many of your own weaknesses, and you are ashamed!
It's a shame for you to fight, it's ugly for you, it's for you to hold your breath, and you can make your cells die.
Therefore, Lao Tzu said, "The husband is not fighting, so he can't fight with it" There is a very high realm here, which has a role in improving our realm.
This sentence actually provides us with a kind of great wisdom.
It is not to say that we do not quarrel or demand, but to give us a peaceful state of mind, so that we can not only concentrate on doing things, but also live happily.
Lao Tzu also has a saying, he said, "I think that people have become more and more", that is, I use my own things to do things for others, and the more I do for others, the more I will do for myself.
Because doing things for others is what I want to do, so "I have more with others", I have never been stingy with what I have, I have never just known that I help myself, but I am willing to give it to others, willing to help others, willing to invite others to use, willing to share, willing to share.
The more I get out of sharing. It's actually very simple, but it's not easy to do. Isn't it very simple for you to help others and yourself? A very common truth, it is easy to say, people always love to help each other, there are many things you help others, serve others, at least you have won trust, won friendship, you can say that what you get is more important, more advanced, better than what you pay.
Ding Jungui. February 1, 2024.