At the beginning, please examine yourself: when a problem arises, such as a problem with your relationship with a friend, do you have an unstoppable urge to defend yourself: "It's not my fault!" ”
Do you have this urge? If so, then the following content is recommended for you to read carefully, which may be helpful to you.
Origin and extinction
The partner in life is sometimes as bright as the moon, and sometimes as cold as autumn water. Why do those who once had a heart-to-heart relationship with you become strangers in the blink of an eye? Why do people turn love into hatred and those who accompany them into enemies?
A philosopher once said, "Life is about solving problems." And which problems are often not imposed on us by the outside world, but our inner struggles and confusions. When we encounter an emotional dilemma, have we ever thought that instead of blaming others, we should look at ourselves first?
On the contrary, if there is a problem that blindly blames others without examining oneself, there will be Li Mochou in "The Legend of the Condor Heroes" who killed his former lover Lu Zhanyuan, and there will also be Kang Min in "Dragon Babu" who cut Duan Zhengchun with a knife, and there will be Invite Yue and Lingxing in "The Peerless Double Pride" to force Jiang Feng to death;
Blame for the inertia
When things go wrong, we habitually look for a scapegoat. However, it is difficult to simply blame others for the rift in feelings. At this point, there are usually two ways to solve the problem: either blame yourself or point the finger at your partner. Shifting the blame to others seems to be a more tempting option.
Here's a little trick: in order to overcome this inertia, couples can jointly create a fictional third-party character. Whenever the dispute escalated, the two sides invited this innocent third party to skillfully transfer the responsibility to him, which became a small joke for both sides to deal with the conflict.
A knot in the heart that is difficult to forgive
In fact, everyone is afraid of rejection and being labeled negatively. Therefore, when there is a problem in the relationship, people usually prefer to put the blame on their partner rather than face up to their own faults, because once they admit that their partner is right, it means that they have become the wrong party. It's the same including in parent-child relationships.
For example, a girl I know named Xiaotong told me her own story. Her relationship with her parents has always been somewhat delicate. She was deeply troubled with the question: Why does she always get along with her parents unsatisfactorily? Is it the parents' fault, or is it your own fault? These questions pierced her heart like thorns.
Xiaotong's mother always seems to be lukewarm to her, which makes Xiaotong blame her mother most of the time, and her heart is full of pain. However, as time passes, Xiaotong is no longer content to blame her mother, and she begins to crave a loving relationship with her.
She realized that in this relationship, she owned half of the country and controlled her own half of the power. She can choose to give love and be a good daughter in the eyes of her mother. No matter how her mother treats her, she can choose to do better.
Icebreaker tour
So, Xiaotong began to work hard to improve her relationship with her mother. She bravely took the first step, and although she didn't expect her mother's approval, she tried hard. Gradually, the mother's attitude changed.
One day, her mother suddenly said to her, "If someone used to say that I didn't love my children, I would definitely think it was an insult to me." But now I realize that it's true. Maybe it's because my parents don't love us ......Although there is a hint of regret in the words, it is also a kind of relief for the past of the mother. Since then, Xiaotong's relationship with her mother has become even closer.
A turning point
One day, a few years later, my mother suddenly suffered a stroke, and doctors told her that she might never be able to speak again. Xiaotong walked into her mother's hospital room, and her mother looked at her, smiled and said, "I like the clothes you wore today." At this moment, Xiaotong deeply experienced the power of a growth mindset. It allows her to face problems bravely and keeps her going through the pain. This mindset gave her a whole new mother, and they spent many wonderful times together.
Conclusion
Many people used to think that growing up is about constantly proving themselves right and strong. But now I understand that true growth is about letting go of blaming others, facing problems bravely, and growing together with those around me.
So, going back to the question at the beginning, do you still have the urge to defend yourself the next time something goes wrong?