The inner monologue of a single man
I didn't start out with celibacy.
When I was in college, I had a girl I liked, we had similar interests, we had the same mind, we talked about everything, and we didn't see each other for a day. It's to the point where I don't marry her, and she doesn't marry me.
When I went home for the Spring Festival during the holiday one year, I told my parents about my girlfriend, and my parents were very happy to hear it. Parents have the psychology of looking forward to having a daughter-in-law as soon as possible.
But when I told my parents about her family situation and my plans, their happy faces immediately darkened.
What is the situation of her family? Her home is in a rural province far away from ours, and her parents are old and sick. She is very filial to her parents, so she plans to return to her hometown to work after graduation in order to take care of her parents. I promised her that I would also go there with her to work and get married there.
My parents were not the kind of people who were open-minded and old-fashioned, and when they heard about the situation and my intentions, they immediately disowned me from her without any negotiation. Their idea was to be right there for them because I was an only child. At that time, they also told me a lot of the reason for staying with them.
When I returned to school, I told her about my parents' attitude, and she was silent and looked sad.
We still get along, and I told her that I would do my job as a parent again. But my parents insisted that I leave her and return to them after graduation, otherwise I would die or live. I am also a man of filial piety. Faced with this dilemma, I was in extreme pain.
She saw what was on my mind and seemed to be deliberately distancing herself from me, but I didn't want to give up. Because at that time, I decided that there was no girl I liked in this world except her.
It was in this torment that we graduated, she went back to her hometown, and I was entrusted by my parents to join our hometown in advance. From then on, we were on separate sides. At that time, communication was not convenient and I could not contact her, so I could only meet her in my dreams.
At this time, I suddenly had an idea: never marry.
After work, my parents entrusted or mobilized seven aunts and eight aunts to introduce me to dozens of girls, but I refused all of them, and I didn't even see them.
After tossing like this for more than ten years, I also reached my thirties, almost forty, and my parents, who were full of vicissitudes, felt hopeless, so they gave up. I also quieted down.
By now, I'm in my sixties, both retired, and my parents have long since passed away. So how have I spent these decades?
I may be different from those single men and women who have never been in a relationship and have always decided not to marry, I have had the happiness and pain of being in love. So although I am single, I still have thoughts and sweetness, that is, I meet her at night, and I smile in my dreams every time. I don't know what she does, whether she is married and has children, whether she is old now, etc. But the image of her young and beautiful when she went to college was imprinted in my brain and engraved on my heart, and it will never be erased. It's the happiest thing I've ever done in decades.
How do you spend your usual days? There is no problem with working hours, there are colleagues, there is something to do, and I don't feel lonely. But when I get home after work, there is only one person, cooking, eating, laundry, tidying up the house, and so on. If you feel bored, just read a book, or have a glass of wine, pour yourself a drink, and talk to the wine: Don't you get drunk with me? But I'll drink you into my stomach and see who is harder than whom?
Because there are no brothers and sisters, let alone nephews, nieces and nieces, and no parents, there are no relatives. When I was in a hurry at home, I asked my acquaintances out to play chess and ball. When it comes to holidays, I also go out to travel and have fun. But when I came back in ten days and half a month, I saw that everything was as usual at home, there was no trace of movement, and what was more was a layer of dust, which also made people feel desolate.
Seeing many classmates, colleagues and people of the same age getting married and having children will cause some ripples in my heart, but usually it will calm down quickly.
I was single a few decades ago, and not as many as I am now, and I was almost a "rare animal" where people met me and pointed fingers at me. My love and love failure, to single, has become a topic of conversation before people go to bed after dinner, and they talk about it more than they talk about their own affairs.
Now retired, no class, no more to do. There seems to be nothing else to do except look at the phone screen. If you don't sleep in the middle of the night, no one will urge you; If you don't wake up at noon, no one will call you. Hungry and thirsty, no one cares about you. I'm not afraid of that. What I'm afraid of is getting sick. One time I got sick, and it was the neighbor's child who helped get me to the hospital.
Everything is divided into two, and both have two sides.
Without getting married, there are no emotional entanglements, marital troubles, the trouble of marriage and possible divorce, and there is no burden of raising children, the pressure of buying a house and a car, and the shackles of pots and pans and trivial things in life every day.
In the same way, you will lose a lot, without the affection of husband and wife, the love of life, the happiness of humanity, and the care of relatives. Especially when I am old, I feel lonely and lonely.
But since you have chosen the path of singleness, you have to face the pros and cons. No such thing as a perfect thing in the world is perfect.
It seems to be very transparent about what the road of his old age looks like, that is, he will continue to walk like this until the end of his life. But I feel very hazy, will there be a sudden change in my psychology and body in the future, and will I be able to bear it alone? I don't have a bottom in my heart.
But the road always has to go, no matter what you encounter, you always have to move forward.
Face it until you quietly leave this world.