Fromm once said:
Immature childish love is: I love you because I need you; And mature love is: I need you because I love you.A good marriage, two people who love each other do not impose conditions and restrictions on each other, he loves you only because you are you, and nothing else;
In a bad marriage, the partner will calculate the ratio of each other's efforts and gains, and the only bond that maintains the relationship is that the other party is still valuable.
Accordingly, Is marriage good? It's really easy to tell from these three points.
A few months after my colleague Tongtong got married, an epic quarrel broke out.
It turned out that this was her first birthday after marriage, but her husband didn't say anything, she thought that the other party was forcing her to surprise her, so she waited quietly.
Unexpectedly, when I came home from work, there was only a cold pot and a cold stove and an ignorant husband, and Tongtong couldn't hold back anymore.
At work, she also complained angrily: "Before he got married, he was very arrogant, I thought he would change after marriage, who knows ......."”
Bathed in sunshine in love, anyone has infinite longing - his surprise, his romance, his careful thoughts.
But not all partners can meet this expectation, and if he does not mean to destroy marital love, then we can only accept his carelessness first, and then think about how to cultivate his awareness in this regard.
Love is like a fluffy cream cake, looking at the tenderness and sweetness of the honey, but quarreling is a weapon to accelerate the deterioration of love, and slowly the cake stinks and can't be swallowed.
In marriage and love, never think about how to change each other, all we can do is accept, accept the imperfections of ourselves and our partners, and accept the small stumbles of love.
Only acceptance can create a free, comfortable and warm family environment, in which the partner has the possibility of self-change.
It's like Fu Lei said:
Everyone has flaws, and this is true for both men and women in love. The problem is not to find a partner who has no shortcomings, but to find a partner who can recognize the shortcomings of both parties, admit each other, and are willing to gradually change, and at the same time can tolerate each other.In "Big River", Song Yunhui's work in the East China Sea was not smooth, but what was waiting for him was not his wife's shrishing warmth, but his father-in-law's shrewd calculation.
The eldest brother seized the opportunity to complain to him about the unfair treatment his father suffered when he retired, which caused Song Yunhui to feel guilty and blame himself, and found the old leader to confront him.
It was only then that he understood that there was nothing to be embarrassed and harsh, it was just a game of chess played by his father-in-law to force him to compromise and repay his kindness.
Therefore, in Song Yunhui's marriage, how can there be a two-way need between partners, and some are just the constant demands of the Cheng family.
A happy and lasting marriage and love must be based on each other's needs, that is, the partners will cherish and invest in each other, rather than measure and calculate.
The need for each other is that the lover considers each other, what she needs, what I can do; Unilateral needs are based on my own consideration, what I need and how to make him pay.
I like a quote very much:
I will not bind you in the name of love, you can do whatever you want. But I just hope that you can think of me before you do anything, and reject some people and things for me, I hope that we will not only talk about love, but trust, loyalty, companionship, and testing, and we will never be separated.Someone asked me, "Teacher, can I just watch and endure the other party's shortcomings in marriage?" Can't help but separate? ”
Of course not, but the change of your partner can only be his spontaneous and voluntary behavior, not the result of your coercion and inducement.
These two are very different, one is active and the other is passive.
From the perspective of human nature, no one wants to be threatened, no one wants to be controlled, and forcibly changing others can only result in a lose-lose situation.
What if you ask your partner to take the initiative to change?
The Godfather of Marriage" Gottman said in the book "Happy Marriage".
In fact, people only change their behavior when they feel liked and accepted by others.Therefore, wanting to change your partner is not to talk about your life, but to give him enough acceptance, companionship and love, so that he can feel understood and respected.
That's when he slowly changes, perhaps unaware of the change.
A well-known psychologist in my country once shared a case:
The wife couldn't bear her husband who didn't do housework and threw things around, and she didn't hesitate to ask him to change on the condition of divorce, but unfortunately to no avail.
At this point, the counselor gave her an unexpected suggestion to allow him to throw and do nothing.
After some time, the wife went to the counselor and said, "It's amazing that my husband doesn't litter anymore." ”
In fact, this method is not mysterious, that is, the wife's understanding and acceptance give the husband an opportunity to change.
Love, marriage, emotionAbout the Author:
I'm Qingcheng. A psychologist with temperature, ** is a life recorder.
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