Would you be?
The clothes on the body are worn for a few years, and they are not thrown away when they fade and deformed, "You can still wear them, and the money to buy clothes will give you a cram school." ”
Before going out, I always have to nag two sentences: "Such a cold weather, if it weren't for you, we wouldn't be working so hard!" ”
If you often talk about things like that, then be careful, you are probably giving your child a sacrificial education.
You say that it is all sacrificed for the sake of children.
However, in the eyes of the child, there could have been no need to be so sad.
Children who grow up immersed in sacrificial education are coerced by their parents all their lives, and they are hesitant in panic.
An education expert said:
The factors that determine what a child will become in the future are all permeated in the words and deeds of parents. ”
Those children who live in a complaining environment all day long, day after day, are burdened with too much pressure, and they can't go far and can't be happy.
Sacrificial education is actually PUA children
I heard a colleague tell me about such a thing.
When she came home on National Day, her parents made her favorite dumplings.
But when she was eating dumplings, she found that her parents were eating dumpling dough.
They told her that the flour was mixed too much, and that it was wasted, and that it was made into dough.
At the end, he continued to chant:
We made dumplings for more than an hour, and our backs hurt when we stood up, and your mother's tenosynovitis also made ......”
Looking at the dough in her parents' bowl and listening to their words, the dumplings in her mouth suddenly became unfragrant.
She said that when she was a child, her parents loved this, and the family conditions were not bad, and they always said that they would leave the best for her.
In her opinion, it is to move herself while "kidnapping" her.
In my sophomore year of high school, my family changed to a larger house.
Her mother advocated giving her the master bedroom, because the lighting was better, which was conducive to sprinting for the college entrance examination.
She thinks that after being admitted to college, she is almost not at home, and the master bedroom is empty.
Her mother insisted on coming as she wished, and when she met people, she said that her daughter lived in the master bedroom of the new house.
What's even more terrifying is that since then, whenever she has failed to meet her mother's expectations.
This thing will be brought out and said:
How can you be like this, the best room in the house is for you to live in! ”
She once replied: That's what you want me to live in. ”
Immediately exchanged for the mother's cry:
I'm so good to you, you don't appreciate it! ”
Her dad also blamed on the side:
Why are you so ignorant, the good things in the family are all in you, what else do you want? ”
Suffocating, right?
You have to make yourself miserable, and then emphasize that you have paid so much, blaming the child for not understanding.
Is this love for children?
On the surface, it is really good for children.
Behind the scenes, another set of logic is hidden.
I've been so good to you, you're going to give me something back. ”
The English philosopher William Russell once wrote in The Road to Happiness:
Parents who have a strong sense of self-sacrifice are very selfish towards their children. They are just cloaked in the skin of "affection" to exercise possessiveness towards their children.
They ignore their own needs, focus too much on their children, and emphasize their sacrificial behavior to their children; In fact, it is to control the child. Let him go the way he wants.
The child is indebted and guilty, and not happy at all
I saw a story shared by netizens.
Since he was a child, he didn't like to celebrate birthdays.
Because, every year on your birthday, you have to eat longevity noodles with fried eggs.
Mom and Dad always say:
There was also an omelette underneath the noodles, and we were reluctant to eat ......”
Son's birthday is the mother's day of suffering, and I almost ...... when I gave birth to you”
He never felt that that scene was so "fatherly and filial piety".
Some are pressed against their chests and gasping for breath.
He wanted to say: The family has not yet reached the point where they can't afford to eat eggs. If it's so painful to give birth to him, then don't give birth, okay? ”
However, those words could only be swallowed into the stomach, and the "guilt" for his parents grew in his heart.
In order to reduce guilt, he can only become more and more sensible.
When I was a child, I didn't dare to say what I wanted, and I still had to pretend to be full of joy when I didn't like clothes.
After work, I wanted to go out to play during the holidays, and when I thought of the scene of my parents working hard, my hands stopped booking tickets;
When you eat something more than 100 yuan, there will be a voice in your heart that says, "Why are you so extravagant, your parents are not even willing to eat eggs at home."
Because, I don't think I deserve this happiness.
However, he clearly has a job with a decent income, but he has become "a garbage man who only eats roadside stalls and wears old clothes".
There are scientists who have done experiments:
From the age of 5 onwards, toddlers recognize angry expressions faster than happy faces.
Because our ancestors lived in primitive societies, in order to survive, the brain was ready to warn of the attack of wild beasts, that is, to deal with the occurrence of "bad things".
As a result, our expressions of fear and anger are more easily recognized.
Therefore, even if the parents do not complain directly, the children will immediately notice it.
Do you still remember the "Starbucks mother and daughter" that circulated on the Internet a while ago?
After ordering coffee and cake for the child, the mother said, "You cost me a day's salary, you have to study hard!" ”
The smile on the child's face disappears visibly.
Freud said:
Growing up in an environment of crying poverty in childhood can make people feel inferior, and it will be more difficult for them to stand on their own feet when they grow up.
Overemphasizing one's sacrificial behavior can increase a child's sense of indebtedness and guilt, which in turn can lead to a loss of happiness and an unhealthy personality.
Love yourself first and try to let go to win-win
The poet Gibran wrote in "Your Child Is Not Your Child":
"You can give life to a child, but you can't give him a soul. ”
Every child is a unique being with a soul that is unique in a thousand.
Instead of giving and being bound, it is better to learn to let go and walk together.
Only in this way can the butterflies in the chrysalis fly and the immature teenagers grow.
1. Try to let go and let your child learn to be independent
Winnicott, a British psychoanalyst, once proposed:
After the child is 2 years old, from learning to walk to learning to grasp, the sense of independence will become stronger and stronger.
Therefore, parents should learn to let go appropriately and leave space for their children to explore.
If he continues to care, it will stifle his initiative and creativity.
Chinese girl Ding Liqing has been admitted to five top universities in the world, including Stanford and Harvard.
Her parents said: We never left her with enough choice and room to make mistakes, and let her find her own favorite way of learning.
In their daughter's life, they are only strategists on the sidelines.
When the daughter realizes that she has to make her own decisions, she will be more cautious.
Everyone has their own life.
Faced with life choices, give advice and let children choose for themselves.
Let children have their own survival ability and problem-solving ability.
Such a child can grow his own armor and fight against the storms of life.
2. Before being a good parent, first be yourself
Before becoming "parents", we are first and foremost "ourselves".
The role of a parent cannot devour the role of an individual, the person who will not love himself, and he will not love his children.
Zhihu netizens "complained" about their parents:
Don't stare at him homework, don't force him to study, and his status at home is not the first. ”
His parents lived their lives to the fullest and stuck to their hobbies. Seeing his parents laughing and talking every day, his heart was also infected.
He will study and exercise independently, and know how to control time even when he is nervous.
If you want to save people, you must first learn to swim.
If you want to raise healthy, happy and emotionally intelligent children, you have to be such a person yourself.
Think about what kind of parents we should be rather than what we want our children to grow up to be, and when we start to focus more on ourselves, our children will follow.
3. Growing together will be a win-win situation
A friend shared her story with me.
Her son, who was in the second grade, once came home from school and told her that he wanted to do his homework and asked his mother not to disturb him with his homework.
He also said: "Mom was praised by the teacher at school today, because Mom taught herself the Intermediate Accountant Certificate, and I want to be as good as Mom." ”
In their eyes, although he doesn't know what an accountant certificate is, he knows that his mother is praised, and he is very powerful, and he has to grow up with it.
When my friend was preparing for the exam, he also had a homework competition with his son, learning interestingly, and making progress together.
Liu Yong said: "Parents should be the soul companions of their children's growth journey and grow up with their children. ”
Between parents and children, there is not only one-sided giving and taking, but also mutual growth and achievement.
Unbalanced efforts will only become a shackle for children.
Only by accompanying children to grow up together can they achieve each other and reap a happy life.
Mr. Hu Shi wrote in "My Son":
Without the child's consent, he was given a life in a daze.
Since I came, raising you and teaching you is a humanitarian duty, not a kindness to you.
Love is given willingly, not by taking, and even less by kidnapping.
Each child has an independent mind and personality, and is not an accessory to the parents.
Parents brought them into the world and should not see them as a continuation of the ego.
Instead of letting the child be the kite, the parent becomes the line;
It is better to let the child become a sapling, and the parents become the nourishment for cultivating the sapling, so that he can thrive.
Author|Poetry and Lin Meimei.
Illustrations|Poetry and Charm.
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