When I came home for the Chinese New Year, I went to my father's grave.
I didn't cry, I just sat in a daze for a long, long time, I said a lot of things, but there was no response, no more warm hands rubbing my head, and gently saying to me: Don't be afraid, girl, I will always be.
When my father was there, I didn't think that life was made up of regrets.
When I was young, I grabbed the same table because I was ignorant, because I was not sensible, I was beaten up at the same table, because of the distance, I promised to meet again but never saw again, and the boy in white T-shirt and jeans who blindly willful but still asked for no bottom line tolerance for me. Even if I feel guilty in my heart and want to say I'm sorry, I slowly forget it as time goes by.
But what I can't let go, and what hurts me the most is that I didn't have time to see my father for the last time.
Once persistently yearning for a distant city, he insisted on going despite his parents' opposition. I always thought that the future would be long, and I always thought that my parents would always be there. Self-deception pretends not to see their graying hair, pretending to hide the reluctance in his heart every time he goes out.
As a result, in the process of self-deception again and again, I lost my father. It wasn't until much later that I suddenly realized that I had no father, no more. Except for the remorse and unspoken sorry, everything flowed through my life like an hourglass.
Maybe it's because I don't want to accept the fact that my father is gone, so I've been deceiving myself, and it seems that everything is still business as usual. I went to work, got off work, ate alone, went shopping alone, and then inadvertently, I couldn't breathe in pain and burst into tears.
If only I had spent more time with my father earlier, I would have known that the last time we were separated was a parting of life and death, and I would definitely not choose to be far away again.
I never said sorry to my father, I knew I would say goodbye so soon, and I just told my father a few more times that I love you.
Nowadays, there is no more chance. There is nothing left except for the meeting in the dream, the tear stains when I think of it inadvertently several times.
There is only one sentence left"If you knew this was the case, why bother in the first place"。
I'm sorry"If you can't say these three words at the time, then you won't have the opportunity to say them again.
If you don't say sorry, it will slowly become a debt in your heart in time, or the kind that you can't pay back in a lifetime.
Debt and guilt are the most painful, it is like an old cold, usually it looks fine, but as long as you think about it, it will inevitably hurt again.
If we had the chance to meet again after a few lifetimes, I would definitely say I'm sorry.
Take advantage of the opportunity, cherish it, accompany it more, and contact more.
Because regret is a poison that cannot be cured, and there is no solution for life.