Please think about it for a while, if you have a bad day, who will you call ** to. If you mess up a deal at work, or have an argument with your spouse, or are frustrated and tired of it all. Who would you like to talk to? Maybe you know someone who makes you feel better, who can help you think through a tough question, or share a heartbreak or happy moment.
To you, that person is the one I like to call a "super communicator" (and to them, you're likely to be a super communicator as well). Sometimes, we all achieve moments of hyper-communication. But there are people who are super communicators who know how to connect with almost anyone, make the conversation easier, and make us feel like we're really being heard. We all know super communicators: they are people that everyone seems to know, who are likely to be elected to positions of authority, who others turn to when they need to discuss something serious or ask for advice.
Over the past three years, I've explored this, and most notably, we weren't born with a sense of how to communicate effectively. Instead, communication is a set of skills that almost anyone can learn. Super communicators aren't inherently more charismatic or outgoing. Instead, they just think harder about communication and already have the tools that allow them to connect.
So, what exactly are those super communicators doing to make you feel so good?
They have mastered many skills. Studies have shown that supercommunicators ask 10 to 20 times more questions than the average person. Other questions – so-called "deep issues" – ask people to describe their beliefs, values, and experiences in order to reveal something about themselves beyond the simple facts of their lives. ("How did you decide to become a lawyer?") "What was it like to grow up in a small town? ”
Super communicators are also good at reading rooms: when the conversation gets deadlocked, they make it easy for everyone to take a quick break by bringing up a new topic or interrupting the awkward silence with a small joke.
What's more, supercommunicators often engage in a process known as the "comprehension loop," which encourages everyone, including themselves, to listen more carefully. The cycle has three steps: ask a question; Repeat what you hear in your own words; Then ask if you're doing it right. This is powerful because one of the strongest human impulses is social imitation. If someone starts asking questions and looping through their peers, others are more likely to ask questions, listen carefully, and cycle in return.
All of these skills have something important in common: they allow super-communicators to show their peers that they want to connect.
Take laughter, for example. Studies have shown that about 80% of the time, when we laugh, it doesn't react to anything funny. Instead, we laugh and respond to something banal – "Are we finally going to dinner?" – To show that we want to connect with someone. When they laugh back – which is the most natural reaction – they show us that they want to connect with us too.
The same thing happens with other forms of non-verbal communication. When someone frowns, or their voice becomes quiet and intimate, we have an instinct to mimic them, applying what is known in psychology as the principle of communication matching. Super communicators listen to these instincts and nurture these impulses because they know that when we match someone, we show them that we want to listen – and in return, they become more willing to listen and trust us.
The truth is, anyone can be a super communicator. We can all learn to listen and speak more clearly, so that we can understand more easily and connect on a deeper level. And, today, in some ways, it's more urgent than ever to learn to have meaningful conversations. It's no secret that the world is becoming more and more polarized and it's hard for us to hear and be heard. If we know how to sit down and listen, then, even if we can't resolve every disagreement, we can find ways to coexist and thrive.
When we show the other person that we want to connect—by asking questions, looping understanding, and matching people when they become emotional, practical, or the discussion goes in an unexpected direction—we often find common ground where we can build a real relationship.
Every meaningful conversation is made up of countless small choices. There are fleeting moments, a right deep question, or a fragile acknowledgment, or a kind word that can completely change the conversation. A silent laugh, a barely audible sigh, a friendly expression in a tense moment: some people have learned to spot these opportunities, to discover what kind of discussion is taking place, to understand what others really want. They have learned how to hear the unspoken and say what others want to hear. This is important because having the right conversation at the right moment can make all the difference.