While we may have a loving family, a good place to live, and a decent job, we often don't notice these things. It's not because we're ungrateful or stupid. This is because of a fundamental feature of our brain called habituation.
Habituation is the tendency of neurons to respond less and less to constant things. You enter a room full of roses, and after a while, you can't smell them anymore. Just as you're used to the smell of flowers, you're used to a loving relationship, you're used to promotions, you're used to a beautiful home, and you're used to dazzling artwork.
Like the front page, your brain cares about what's changed recently, not what's staying the same. As a result, what once amazed you becomes part of the living furniture. You're used to it – you don't notice and respond to the elements of your life that you previously found fascinating.
The good news is that you can get used to it. That is, you can suddenly begin to perceive and respond to things that you have become insensitive.
The key is to take a break from your daily routine. For example, when people come home from a long business trip, they tend to find that their mundane lives are "reinvigorated." Ordinary things suddenly become incredible. Actress Jodie Foster recently described the feeling when she shared her experience returning home after six months on location. "I came back from an amazing and beautiful place," she explained. "But you know, you crave really stupid things, and you just get used to it. Now, I'm like "Oh my God, avocado is amazing!" Or "I'm so glad I can go to the gym again!" "What happened six months ago was something I was trying to escape.
Of course, Foster's life is far from ordinary, but we believe that in this case, her experience reflects a fundamental point. If something is constant, we often assume (perhaps unconsciously) that it will always exist. So, we focus our attention and energy on the next thing on our list. But if we can make a constant less constant, our attention will naturally return to it. If its core is good, it may shine again. Because of this, the passage of time, no matter how brief, will make you see your life in a whole new light and break with reality.
Esther Perel, the famous couple's mentor, came to a similar conclusion. When Perel asked people to describe the events they were most attracted to their partners, they mentioned two general situations. First, they are particularly attracted to their spouse when they feel strange and unfamiliar – for example, when they see their partner from a distance, or when they observe them having deep conversations with strangers. Second, when they leave, when they are reunited, they are especially attracted to their spouses. Perel's conclusions are supported by science. A 2007 study of 237 people showed that when people spent more time separated from their partners, they reported a greater sexual interest in them.
But what if you can't get away from your daily routine, even for a short period of time? Well, maybe you can use your imagination to change your environment. Close your eyes and imagine your life, but without your home, without your job, without your family; Create vivid images with color and detail. This small gesture might make you feel lucky for what you have.
It's a bit like your nightmare of losing a loved one – you feel especially grateful when you wake up and realize that it was all a dream and that person is right there for you. Before the nightmare, you may be well aware that you have a good thing, but when you wake up from the nightmare, you will also feel it.
However, why do emotional responses adapt so quickly? Why have we evolved a brain with less and less, deriving less and less pleasure from the constant or frequent good things? Perhaps most importantly, wouldn't it be great if you marveled at your job, house, or spouse as you did at the beginning?
Maybe, maybe not. Getting used to being good drives you to move forward and progress. If you haven't experienced the habit, you'll settle for less. For example, you may be satisfied with a low-paying, entry-level position years after you get the job. Now, settling for less may seem desirable, but it also means you'll be less motivated to learn, develop, and change. Without emotional habits, our species may not end up with the technological innovations and great works of art that we do because people may not have the motivation to create them.
A delicate balance must be struck here. On the one hand, without habit (dare we say a little boredom, restlessness and greed), we might still be just cavemen. But on the other hand, habits can cause us to be dissatisfied, bored, restless, and greedy. Perhaps then, instead of focusing entirely on how to improve our lives, we also need to learn how to see our lives better – noticing more of the great things we've become accustomed to.