Chapter 7 The Art of Listening: Listening to the feelings of others with all your heart
Listening is an art, but also a skill, which can determine whether communication can go smoothly and effectively. We have learned that the most important element of nonviolent communication is to feel the needs of the other person and ourselves, and this depends on us listening wholeheartedly.
Through nonviolent communication, we can gain the ability to listen. In fact, in most communication, listening is ineffective, so to learn listening, we must first avoid ineffective listening in communication. Ineffective listening is not only a waste of time, but also directly affects the effectiveness of communication and hinders the realization of nonviolent communication.
The next thing to do is to listen to the feelings and needs of others in the communication, and give feedback to the other party in the right way, so as to achieve harmonious and orderly communication. When we are truly aware of the role of listening and learn how to listen, we will also deeply understand and feel the true charm of nonviolent communication.
1.What does it mean to "listen with all your heart"?
American psychologist Carl Lansom Rogers once said that the most amazing and beautiful thing about interpersonal communication is that someone is willing to listen to your voice and ideas, and will not judge everything you say, nor will they be frightened by what you say, and will not change you according to their own ideas. This is wholehearted listening, and once someone puts aside their thoughts and judgments, listens attentively to the other person, and understands and accepts the other person's emotions, then what seems difficult will become simple and easy to solve.
Expressing one's deepest feelings and needs is the theme of nonviolent communication, which is why we sometimes find it challenging. However, by listening wholeheartedly, we will become aware and aware of what we have in common with others, both internally and as humanity. By listening wholeheartedly, we are able to express ourselves more freely.
A university teacher once shared his own experience of significantly improving the teacher-student relationship by listening to his students. Unlike ordinary listening, the teacher will let go of his or her role as a teacher while listening to the feelings and needs of the students, and will not comment on or change the students' thoughts and feelings. As a result, students are increasingly willing to open up to their teachers about their problems and difficulties in life, and teachers are also discovering the factors that interfere with students' learning. Through such communication, the teacher's needs have become smoother, and the students' learning efficiency has also been significantly improved.
Without this kind of wholehearted listening, the atmosphere can become dull, even if it is a routine conversation. Because we are not listening wholeheartedly, we don't know what we expect from each other, and we can't promote our relationship. This kind of communication is not only exhausting, but also a waste of time, and sometimes the confidant needs more acceptance and understanding than advice.
Of course, listening with your whole heart and soul is not an easy task. As the French writer Simone said, listening wholeheartedly to a person who is in pain, perhaps many people think that it is something easy to do, but it is not. In fact, the vast majority of people in this world do not have the ability to listen to others with all their hearts, which is "nothing short of a miracle". It is also true that in the face of the suffering of others, we are often eager to offer advice, comfort them, or express our attitude.
However, it is not these things that are needed to listen wholeheartedly, but to let go of oneself and to experience and listen to others wholeheartedly. To do this, it is necessary to clarify the premise that the confidant does not need comfort or advice, but someone who understands and understands his situation. Harold Kushnerabi wrote in his book that before his son died, there were many people who comforted him, but instead of alleviating his pain, this comfort only increased his grief. In fact, many people think that people should find ways to make their loved ones or friends feel better when they are grieving, but when listening, don't rush to comfort or give advice, you should first confirm what they really need.
Aware of the importance of wholehearted listening, how should we operate and master this art in our daily practice? Specifically, we should understand and understand the connotation of wholehearted listening, and only by understanding the connotation of wholehearted listening can we apply it concretely in communication and then achieve effective communication. Wholehearted listening, on the other hand, involves a three-cycle process: experiencing the feelings and needs of others – giving feedback – and maintaining constant attention.
Be empathetic to the feelings and needs of others.
Experiencing the feelings and needs of others is the first part of listening wholeheartedly, and one of the prerequisites in this link is to let go of one's own preconceptions, not to refute or suggest the thoughts of the confidant, but to experience them with the heart.
Listening is not as simple as we think, it is divided into effective listening and ineffective listening, and most of the listening in life is ineffective listening. Whole-hearted listening in nonviolent communication is an effective listening and an important way to facilitate communication and communication. Experiencing the feelings and needs of others consists of four elements: observation, feeling, need, and request. The specific identification techniques for each element are described in detail below.
Feedback. In the process of communication, the listener needs to give feedback to the other person after they have correctly understood the feelings and needs of the other person. The purpose of this is to make the listener aware that the other party has accurately known and understood his intentions and needs, and that timely feedback can also make the communication develop in the direction that both parties expect, and through feedback, the receiver can correct the misunderstanding in time.
There are many ways to give feedback when communicating with people, but the best way to communicate is to be clear and specific about the needs and feelings of the person you are talking to, such as, "You're sad, aren't you?""Why do you have such an idea?"Wait. In addition, the tone of feedback is also very important, do not use a conclusive tone, otherwise it will easily attract the other party's disgust.
Stay tuned.
In effective listening in nonviolent communication, how to give feedback is a skill, but feedback does not mean that listening with all your heart can achieve good communication results, because the process of listening is not a one-way feedback, but a cyclical process. So, after the feedback, the listener needs to keep paying attention to the other person's message.
The ultimate goal of maintaining continuous attention is to serve the first part of wholehearted communication - to experience the feelings and needs of the other party, after all, in communication, the feelings and needs of both parties are not static, but constantly change with the deepening of communication. When needs and feelings change, the ability to perceive and respond to new feedback in a timely manner is the key to smooth communication, and this key depends on maintaining continuous attention.
From the perspective of listening and communication, it is a wonderful thing for the person to let go of one's own preconceptions and opinions and listen to the needs and feelings of others. In terms of communication, it is an effective way to achieve and facilitate peaceful and beautiful non-violent communication.
The purpose of nonviolent communication is to live and communicate in a warm and caring way, in which our intentions may be misunderstood, but we can choose to listen to the other person's feelings and needs wholeheartedly, rather than simply analyzing the rights and wrongs of the other party and ourselves. Only in this way can we integrate warmth and love into communication, and make non-violent communication a way we communicate with others.
2.How to listen to the feelings and needs of others.
In order to communicate better, we need to understand the feelings and needs of both sides of the conversation. We need to first let go of our own prejudices, judgments, and thoughts, and experience the other person wholeheartedly, which is the premise of understanding the feelings and needs of others. The art of communication is like this, two completely different individuals, in order to achieve non-violent communication, in order to make the process of communication full of love, must first learn to listen, in the listening to experience the other party's thoughts and requests. As the philosopher Martin Buber said, although each person's life will be similar to others, for them any moment is new, like a newborn baby. Therefore, the same is true of communication between people, everyone cannot stay in the past, and cannot judge the present communication based on past experience; You can't foresee the future, so you can't guess what the other person thinks in the future. What we can do is to communicate without any preconceptions, listen wholeheartedly, and feel the needs and changes of the other person.
Let's look at a contrasting example of a husband who seems to be unhappy after work and his wife asks him what is causing his upset. But the husband refused to answer, and when pressed by his wife, the husband said, "What's the use of telling you?" You've never listened to it properly anyway. ”
Think about it, how will the wife answer?
Mode 1: The wife will retort, "Yes, you are angry, just blame me for not listening to you properly?" ”
So what happens to the husband next? He probably said, "Yes, you just haven't listened to it!" ”
At this point, the conversation between the two sides has developed a little bit of a quarrel.
In the face of her husband's answer, the wife will continue to retort: "When I talk to you, have you listened well? ”
It is conceivable that if the conversation continues, the husband and wife will inevitably chatter about "whether they listen carefully to each other", and such an argument must not be the original intention of their communication. The wife may initially want to understand the needs behind her husband's anger, but the husband's "bad words" provoke her anger and eventually lead to a communication failure.
Pattern 2: The wife answers, "Are you mad at me?" Is it because I'm not doing well? ”
Next, the husband asked rhetorically, "What do you think?" ”
Wife: "I think I'm doing a good job!" ”
In this mode, the wife just guesses what the husband thinks, thinking that the husband is angry because he is not doing well, which means that the husband is angry because he is not doing well, which means that the husband is angry entirely because of himself. In fact, such speculation is not what the husband really thinks, and the wife still does not really understand the needs of the husband. And the final answer "I think I'm doing a good job" brings the topic back to the beginning, and this kind of communication also does not solve the problem and is meaningless.
Mode 3: In the face of her husband's complaints, the wise wife will reply like this:
Are you unhappy because you need more understanding? Or, "You need ......."Is it? ”
Hearing such an inquiry, I believe that the husband will not be angry anymore, but will reply: "What you said is exactly what I want." Then he went to his wife and told him why he was unhappy.
What a wife needs to do is to listen to her husband wholeheartedly and find out what he feels and needs.
This is to find clues from the husband's words and understand the husband's state, that is, this way of communication not only understands the feelings and needs of the husband, but also avoids self-blame. In life, most communication styles should focus on the second mode, but in the second mode, the wife's response only focuses on the husband's thoughts, not his feelings and needs. And truly effective communication is the third type, we need to know the needs and feelings of the other person, not the perception. Just like this husband, he is unhappy because his needs are not being met, and when his needs are understood and accepted, then the original purpose of communication has been achieved.
From the comparison of the three modes of communication, we will also find that when we let go of our own judgments and preconceptions and listen wholeheartedly to the feelings and needs of others, communication will become easier and more comfortable, and even angry others will slowly calm down their anger.
Generally speaking, in communication, we can experience the feelings and needs of others through listening, and no matter what method the other person uses to express information, we can experience and analyze it according to the mode of nonviolent communication, that is, through the four elements of observation, feeling, need and request. Only in this way can we understand the needs of the other party through listening and achieve smooth communication.
Specifically, observation is knowing what the other person is seeing. In the above example, when the wife observes that her husband is unhappy, she can appreciate his feelings and needs instead of refuting him or blaming herself.
Feelings refer to the feelings of the other party in communication, which is also obtained in listening, and at the same time, feelings and needs are basically the same, why do you have such feelings? The reason must be that the needs related to the feelings are not being met. Just as the husband is angry because he wants to gain more understanding and acceptance, what kind of feelings exist in the moment will be what needs to be met.
In addition, the listener needs to let go of his own judgment and not impose his or her own opinion on the other person.
Napoleon, for example, was characteristically unable to listen, let alone to understand the feelings and needs of others. His brother Lucien married his pregnant lover without his consent, but Napoleon was annoyed by this: "You take a wife without my consent, it cannot be considered a normal marriage." ”
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And Lucien retorted: "How can it be abnormal that we had a wedding in the church, with the blessing and testimony of the pastor? ”
To his brother's rhetorical question, Napoleon said unhappily: "No one in the whole of Europe has spoken to me like this, I don't admit it, you have to divorce!" If you listen to me, I can give you any place in Europe and make you king, and only then will you be truly happy. ”
I've always been happy. Lucien replied, "I will never get divorced, my marriage is up to me." ”
Hearing his brother say this, Napoleon was very angry, and he shouted: "I have the right to decide everything, I am the emperor!" ”
Not to be outdone, Lucien said: "You have the right to decide everything, and I have the right to love my wife, and we will be together forever." ”
You're a pure betrayal of me! Napoleon roared hoarsely.
But Lucien did not listen to his brother again, but took his wife away from Napoleon, settled in Italy, and never returned to France.
Napoleon's way of communicating was to impose his own views on others, rather than to listen to and understand the feelings and needs of others, so he could not empathize with others and communicate non-violently with the outside world.
In communication, many times the other party has already expressed their feelings and needs, and the listener has indeed received the other party's information, but sometimes the other party is more excited, so we still need to confirm the other party's request. We can say something like, "I'd love to know what you're referring to, can you tell me?"In this way, we encourage others to express themselves bravely, so that we can more easily understand the feelings and needs of others.
3.The right way to give feedback to others in listening.
In general, the information that people reveal when they express is only a small part of their feelings and needs, and more emotions and needs are not expressed. Listening to the other person will create the conditions for understanding these unexpressed feelings and needs, and positive and timely feedback can lead the other person to express more relevant information. If we don't give feedback, then the process will be hindered, but if one party in the communication can be sure that the other party has fully understood what he means, then the whole communication process will become smoother and easier.
So, when is it appropriate to give feedback to the other person?In general, there are four situations that mean that the listener in the communication needs to respond:
When the listener is not sure about the other person's feelings and needs, they need to confirm with the other person through feedback.
I've made sure I understand the other person's needs and feelings, but I found that the other person is expecting feedback.
When the other person asks if they understand, be specific when giving feedback, rather than simply answering "yes" or "don't understand".
When the other person confides in him with a palpable emotion, it means that he is expecting feedback.
Once we have determined that the other person needs feedback, the next thing we need to consider is how to give feedback correctly. In psychology, feedback is a content that listeners need to pay attention to, which is generally summarized as a feedback response, which mainly responds to the content, emotions and meanings of the feelings and needs of the confidant, that is, to answer the other person without any emotion and without expressing opinions.
For example, a technician who worked overtime for several months complained at a friend's party: "Not only do I work long hours and low pay every day, but I also work overtime every day." What's even more odious is the leader, not only is he not level, but his temper is also very bad!”
At this time, how should the other person's friend respond as a listener?If he can understand the other person's feelings and needs from the technician's complaints, then there will be three types of feedback responses:
First, the feedback content answers: Is it that the treatment and environment of your unit are not good?
Second, the feedback emotion answers: Are you angry because you don't feel valued?
Third, the meaning of feedback answers: Is it because of the gap in ability and income that you feel that you are not being treated fairly?
These three responses are feedback methods that are often applied when communicating. To put it simply, feedback is a response to communication that helps us determine whether we really understand what the other person is saying and what they are trying to say, and that we are fully committed to discussing the problem with them.
Sometimes, people don't want to say too much in communication because no one listens and understands, so they don't get the right feedback. As an important part of communication, feedback will directly affect the progress and effectiveness of communication. We have already learned about the above three types of feedback, and in the same way, you will find that all three types of feedback are questions. That's actually the right way to give feedback.
Non-violent communication further deepens this type of feedback, suggesting that when we use questions to give the right feedback, we can express the listener's own needs and feelings before asking the question. For example, we can say, "I don't understand a little bit, what did you just say, can you tell me?"”
In addition, nonviolent communication also suggests that we need to pay special attention to our tone when giving feedback to the other person. Because from a psychological and behavioral point of view, people tend to pay more attention to events involving themselves, so when a person talks about his feelings and needs, we can pay attention to the tone of his every sentence, so that we can detect whether he is biased or critical of us in time. Communication can only continue if you are sure that the other person's tone is really expressing their own experience, rather than drawing conclusions from their own perspective.
Sometimes, though, even if we pay enough attention to these details, we can get misunderstood when we give feedback. At this time, we can choose to continue to listen and understand the feelings and needs of the other person, only by focusing on this will all criticism and attacks disappear, and we can experience the simple and real needs of the other person through a form of non-violent communication. Sometimes, when we report the blame we receive, it's actually a way for the other person to express their feelings and needs.
When we understand this, there will be a lot less stereotypes and violent elements in communication. Feedback responses are the bridge between the speaker and the listener in nonviolent communication. Of course, as a listener, you also need to understand your own feelings and needs, so that you can give accurate and timely feedback to the speaker.
Let's look at the feedback from the two sets of communications:
A and B are two people, A said to B: "I missed the bus again this morning, and I was late again, which is really unlucky." B's feedback was, "Don't worry, everybody has their mistakes." ”
A: "Why do I help you every time something goes wrong?" Why haven't you done this to me? B replied, "How can you say that, haven't I helped you?" ”
In fact, in both sets of communication, B's feedback is incorrect in response to A's confiding. The first group, good feedback method B, should answer something like this: "Do you seem disappointed because you want to be more trustworthy?" The second set of questions is that B's response is actually justifying himself, rather than listening to A's feelings and needs, and the correct way to respond should be: "It looks like you're a little lost, and you want more possibilities and appreciation, right?" ”
The correct way of feedback is to fully understand the feelings and needs of others on the basis of expressing the feelings and needs of others in the form of questions, without any point of view or position. In this kind of listening and feedback, we will find something in common with each other, and through such exchanges and communication, each participant will become more and more honest, and the atmosphere of communication will be better. That's the beauty of nonviolent communication.
4.Listening contributes to understanding and acceptance of others.
Dale Carnegie once said that listening is the highest compliment. One of the greatest benefits of listening is that it allows others to reciprocate our sincerity with the same gratitude and enthusiasm, so that communication can be carried out in a good and orderly manner. In fact, effective listening can help us to have a good understanding and acceptance of others, and we maintain such a mindset in communication, to listen to the other person's language, to experience the feelings and needs behind their language, which means the beginning of non-violent communication, which is the best way to communicate.
Understanding and acceptance in communication must rely on effective listening. Linklater is a well-known American presenter, and one day, he interviewed a young boy.
Linklater asked the little boy, "Little friend, can you tell me what you want to be when you grow up?"The boy innocently replied, "When I grow up, I want to be a pilot." "What an amazing dream. Linklater said approvingly, "So what would you do if one day, your plane went out in the sky?"The little boy thought about it for a moment, and then replied earnestly: "I will tell everyone to fasten their seatbelts and not leave their seats." Then, I'll take my parachute and jump down. ”
Hearing the little boy's answer, the audience laughed. Linklater, on the other hand, did not make fun of the child like the audience, he paid serious attention to the little boy. What he didn't expect was that two lines of tears flowed from the little boy's eyes, which made Linklater realize that the little boy's answer was not what everyone thought. So he continued, "Why do you do that?""I'm going back to get fuel to save them, I'm going back!”
We can see that if the host, like the audience, misinterprets the meaning of the little boy in a preconceived sense after he finishes parachuting, instead of continuing to listen, then there will be no touching scene later, and everyone will not have a correct understanding and acceptance of the boy. You can see how important it is to listen attentively.
The difference between Linklater and Linklater is that he is a good listener, so he is able to get the child to finish his words with the right feedback and guidance. While everyone was laughing and stumbling, Linklater was still able to maintain the concentration of a listener and experience the little boy's inner feelings, so he experienced the purest and kindest heart of the child, and also let everyone see the truth, so that everyone understood and accepted the little boy's choice.
This is also the charm of listening, when you hear a child say that he jumped down first, you may think that the boy is very selfish, in fact, everyone judges others based on their own consciousness and experience, and does not listen carefully. And "why do you want to do this" is just a simple rhetorical question, but it gives the boy the opportunity to say his truest thoughts, and it is the host's listening that makes everyone understand and accept the little boy again, and also avoids the damage caused by self-judgment to a precious innocence.
Listening is not simply listening, but putting yourself in the other person's position to understand, feel and accept the other person.
In ancient Greece, a young man came to Socrates' house and wanted to learn from him how to speak to him. The young man was very good at saying that he thought this was his superiority, and in order to prove to Socrates this innate ability, he began to speak to him after a brief visit. The young man had been talking for a long time, but he still had no intention of stopping, so Socrates interrupted him and said to him, "You need to pay me double the tuition fee before I will take you as a student." ”
The young man could not help but be very surprised, and he asked in bewilderment: "My eloquence is so good, it should be easier for you to teach me, but instead of reducing the tuition fee, you have to charge twice as much, why is that?" ”
In response to the young man's question, Socrates explained: "I charge twice as much because I need to teach you two subjects." For other people, I just need to teach them how to speak, but for you, I also need to teach you how to shut up and listen to others. ”
As Socrates said, listening is a more important communication method and skill than speaking. When a person is looking for someone to confide in, generally speaking, what he needs is not the other person's ideas and suggestions, but an outlet for his heart to be cathartic, or an understanding and acceptance. Only when the listener is aware of this, understands the other person, accepts the other person, and allows the other person to express their feelings and needs with peace of mind, can the communication go smoothly.
A better way to communicate is when the other person loses his temper or even utters some accusatory or offensive words, and the listener does not think that this is a reproach, but takes it as a feeling of the other party and understands the emotions behind these words. For example, he was angry because he didn't see me at the agreed time, not scolding me. In this way, by listening to the other person's feelings and emotions, you will no longer feel angry, but will understand and accept the other person.
Therefore, in communication, we should listen to understand the needs and feelings of the other party, and then make the right feedback so that we can better understand and accept the other party, rather than rushing to make suggestions and draw conclusions.
Of course, in communication, people are instinctively anxious to express their attitudes and feelings by offering advice in the face of the pain of others. However, this method of non-violent communication is frowned upon, because listening implies a wholehearted communication, which is able to create a condition for the other person to fully express their pain, and what the listener has to do is to listen carefully so that the other person's pain can be truly understood and accepted. Moreover, if a person wants to release his pain and let others understand his situation through communication with others, but he hears advice and comfort, then he will inevitably feel uncomfortable.
5.How to communicate to avoid ineffective listening.
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