Chapter 7 withyouwithoutyou
The inn business is deserted, with three rooms and a living room, which is basically contracted by us. I was beaten up a lot the night before, and Qingqing insisted on extending the room for one more day and letting me recuperate.
I was awakened by a strong burning sensation in my abdomen, and when I woke up the window was dim, and I couldn't tell if it was early morning or dusk. My whole body, everywhere I was in pain, and I slept for twenty hours, no wonder I was hungry and dizzy.
Pushing open the door, the wooden table in the living room is connected to the sofa, and Xiaoju is sitting cross-legged there, holding up his mobile phone and talking.
This is my seventh livestream, and I didn't expect that there would still be only two followers. When I grow up, I want to eat and drink spicy food and buy a big house for my mother, and she no longer has to get up at four or five o'clock in the morning and stay busy until the evening. Mom didn't make much money, she always said that she was useless, it was okay, and I would be very useful in the future and buy her new clothes. I'm going to take my grandmother to the hospital, she has bad eyes, and when my grandfather died, she cried every day, and her eyes were like that. ”
The little girl was actually on the live broadcast, I was light-handed, picking the food on the coffee table, Qingqing also bought medical supplies, and I also took some.
Xiaoju held her cheeks, and her live broadcast was chatting babblingly.
When I grew up, I moved everyone in together, grandma was here, my dad was back, he had a very good temper, and he would take care of my mother. During the Spring Festival, the whole family steamed buns and put all kinds of stuffing ......”
I stopped moving, looked at Xiaoju who was seriously broadcasting, and suddenly realized that the little girl was making a record of her last life. There is no audience, and there are no waves, she has a short life.
I was afraid that she would find out, hide behind the cabinet, and listen to her childish narration.
She was talking about the little fat man at the same table in kindergarten, and the two agreed to sit together in elementary school. The little fat man swore that he would be her boyfriend when she grew up and protect her.
Xiaoju asked, when is it considered to be grown up, and the little fat man thought about it for a long time, saying that he had graduated from elementary school.
Xiaoju said, no, when I grow up, I have to help my mother sell vegetables.
She was telling her grandmother that she lived in the countryside and knew that she was sick, so she came from far away alone, touched her hair with a thin and hard hand, and handed her mother a cloth bag. Grandma sold the country house, and the money was in the cloth bag to treat Xiaoju. Grandma said she was sorry for her mother, saying that she was too old to be useful, and that her mother had married the wrong person. Grandma cried as she spoke, holding her mother's hand and crying. After Grandma left that time, Xiaoju never saw her again.
She muttered, her voice getting quieter, and fell asleep on the table.
I pulled a quilt over her tiny body. She closed her eyes, her eyelids twitched slightly, she should be dreaming, and said the dream words: "It's delicious......”
I tucked the quilt away, and the little girl's tears rolled down her smooth face.
She was still dreaming, crying in her dream, and then I heard her whisper, "I don't want to die." ”
It felt like a blow to my chest, and it hurt so badly. The little girl usually jumps up and down, full of indifference, all kinds of truths are set in one, but the heart of a seven-year-old child can't carry such a painful proposition at all.
I don't want to die. Is it okay to save me, I don't want to die, I want to live, save me.
Help me. Xiaoju kept crying in his dreams and begged quietly. I don't know who she begged for, maybe a doctor, maybe a child's fantasy deity, but no one could answer her: "Okay." ”
No, the moon falls in the distance, the waves break on the embankment, and none of them can go back to the original point.
The van set off again, Qingqing's driving skills were skillful, except for being easily frightened, driving steadily. She gives people the impression of being upright and serious, less rigid in her words, and has the temperament of a professional woman from head to toe, but I noticed that Qingqing is a little hard-hearted and pretends to be calm in case of trouble, which is similar to me.
Taking care of Xiaoju was Chen Yan's task, so she completed it dutifully, and chatted with Xiaoju along the way.
Xiaoju slept full, danced and said, "Sister Qingqing, do you know? Uncle was beaten so badly, several people beat him, crackling, sparse, uncle's intestines are about to come out. ”
How did this little broken child learn to gloat and add fuel to the fire.
Qingqing carefully echoed: "That's really miserable, the intestines come out, and he is not far from dying." ”
Xiaoju clapped his hands excitedly and said: "It's coming out quickly, but it's not completely out, the situation is critical, I arrived, hehe, three punches and two kicks, defeated the bad guy." ”
Qingqing nodded: "Thanks to you, look at Uncle Dian more, pay attention to observation, in case he ** or something, we will send him to the hospital." ”
I sat up. "It's endless, don't say a few words. ”
The two girls, one big and one young, looked at each other and shut up in unison. I didn't want to interrupt their happy moods, but the irritability in my heart was like a dense flying ant, and I couldn't sleep all night after running a restaurant for several years, and I was used to distancing myself from others and struggling alone in the swamp. Occasionally, I would have emotional outbursts, and even if I was glad that my mother was delirious, I would shrink into the corner and cry bitterly, or smash my head against the wall, without worrying about my mother finding out.
I gave up going to the doctor and threw the antidepressant medicine in the trash. It doesn't matter, life is good and bad fate, and the end is not all the same.
I hate everything, including the kindness of others, the warmth and coldness of the weather. Resist pitying, viciousness, insults, encouragement, and all inconsequential contact, yes, I'm a wretch.
Xiaoju glanced at me timidly, then sat up straight, pretending to look at the view. I took a deep breath, pointed to the park on the side of the road, and said, "Stop there, I want to get out of the car and walk." ”
The park is quite large, there are sculptures in the middle of the square, children cheer around the fountain, birds fly by, and there are many people, and the autumn colors are brilliant and noisy.
I avoided the crowd and walked into the woods, where I heard a "clang" and a singer plucking his guitar under a tree not far away. He wore a white wig and brightly painted face, dressed as a clown, and his colorful clothes were extremely ill-fitting, and passers-by deliberately bypassed him in twos and threes, without a single listener.
Oh, there's a listener, a clown sitting on the grass, with a puppet with a hideous face resting beside him.
The clown played in a mess, sang hoarsely and deeply, and several notes were broken. But when the first sentence was sung, I was like being thrown into a storm and countless lightning, and the blood burned hot under the **, straight through the heart, like countless whistling javelins in the body, rushing to the eye sockets, rushing out of the corners of the eyes, cold in an instant, hanging from the face to the neck, and sliding into the air from the neck.
One late night, I came home exhausted, Lin Yi was drunk, sleeping on the floor, with a wine bottle lying next to her, and her phone was playing the song.
I stayed in the hospital for three days and three nights, and the doctor said that I was out of danger, and I wanted to go home to get some clothes, but I saw Lin Yi, a poor, beautiful and desperate wife, who was drunk. She whispered, "Song Yili, I can't hold it anymore, I'm leaving you." ”
I feel a little tired.
I guess I'm missing comfort.
My life is so boring.
Life withers like a flower.
A couple of times I really wanted to get myself drunk.
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Keep yourself away from those many grievances.
Let long-hidden longings fly with the wind.
Oh forget who I am.
She is the girl who shared a dinner plate with me, a lover who studied together late at night, a wife who hugged each other at the wedding, and a partner who was full of hope for the future and determined to change her life. She didn't expect that the fate on my back was as heavy as a mountain, and I couldn't pry open even the slightest crack with all my might.
After that day, Lin Yi said that he couldn't be trapped in a restaurant and had to go to find a job. She didn't come home for more than ten days, I was extremely anxious, I had some money on hand, dragged the van into the repair shop, cleaned it well, waxed it to make it look a little decent, bought a bouquet of flowers, went to her place of work, and planned to pick her up from work.
At dusk under the building, I saw Lin Yi and her colleagues coming out, I straightened my hair, honked the horn, leaned out, and shouted at her: "Mrs. Song!".Mrs. Song here!”
Lin Yi didn't seem to hear it, and went straight forward with the two colleagues. I pushed the car door open and beckoned, "Mrs. Song, are you off work?"I'm Mr. Song. ”
These blunt ridicules, I tried my best to show, squeezed out of my barren life.
The three of them stopped, Lin Yi had a smile on his face, and he couldn't see his emotions. The colleague raised his eyebrows, squeezed his eyes, pursed his rosy lips, and let out a surprised "yo", his voice was long, and his tail tone was raised.
The yellow-clothed colleague pushed her. "Mrs. Song, Mr. Song is here to pick you up, it's so sweet. ”
The colleague in the pink suit smiled and said, "It's not like we can only drive by ourselves, envy you." ”
The yellow clothes took the hand of the pink suit and said, "It's still a business car, it's atmospheric enough, hahahaha, Mrs. Song, see you tomorrow." ”
I jumped out of the car, opened the passenger door, and Lin Yi walked around the van and headed for the subway station. I grabbed her and asked, "Where are you going?"”
Lin Yi said: "Let go, I'll look for you tomorrow." ”
I pretended not to hear and held up the bouquet. "Xiaoyi, do you like it?”
Lin Yi said: "Let's get a divorce." ”
She looked at me calmly, and through the bouquet of flowers, I couldn't see her expression.
I said, "Mom is sober for a while today, I want to drink porridge, I'll go back and help her boil, what about you, what do you want to eat, I'll make it, I've made progress in the past few days." ”
There was no response, I put down the bouquet, I could no longer hide myself, and said with a crying voice: "Xiaoyi, we can, really, we can......."”
I saw Lin Yi's eyebrows and eyes clearly, and his sparse and delicate facial features were alienated and unfamiliar.
She lowered her head, hurriedly brushed the broken hair from her ear, and walked forward in silence. I followed her, the subway was very windy, and the crowd of people after work rushed in, and I grabbed her in horror, because I knew that if I let go this time, I would lose her forever.
But I know better that this is the inevitable result.
Lin Yi said: "Tomorrow I will go to the restaurant to pick up my luggage." ”
I said, "Okay." ”
Lin Yi said: "I have never chosen you firmly, but I have tried firmly, very hard. Her tears rolled down one by one, her face was pale, the wind blew her hair, and she cried, "Song Yili, I can't hold it anymore, really, I can't hold it anymore......."”
She walked to the subway entrance, paused, turned around, and smiled at me: "Song Yili, you are good." ”
These words drifted in the wind, and I stared blankly at the endless shadows in front of me, my heart was completely empty, and the slender back was lost in the sea of people.
With the song ringing in my ears, the colorful soap bubbles floating in the air, the laughter and the sound of the wind swimming in the woods, I stood for a long time, like a sculpture in the center of the park, lifeless and motionless.
At the exit of the park parking lot, Qingqing was setting up navigation, her phone rang, and she pressed the speakerphone: "Hey, Mom?."I'm working, I'll call you back. Without waiting for her mother to respond, she hung up, and just switched to navigation software, her phone rang again.
Qingqing is connected. "Mom, I'm really busy ......”
I'm your dad, didn't I let you change jobs!”
Dad, how can you just say anything, go back and talk about it, there is someone next to you. ”
Anyone?Your boss?Just right, Miss Chen Yan is invited to listen**.
Sister Yan's guest, Dad, don't make trouble. ”
Her father raised his voice and shouted: "I can't wait to mess up your work, listen to my father's advice, don't engage in any long-distance relationship, and hurry back to Nanchang." You and Xiaowen have been in a long-distance relationship for a few years, when will you get married if you go on like this? ”
Qingqing was very helpless. "Dad, our affairs have our plans, I won't tell you, that's all. ”
Qingqing hung up **, started the van, looked like a businessman, and said to me with a smile: "Mr. Song, in terms of writing songs, you need my assistance, just give me orders." ”
I said, "No." ”
Qingqing hit the steering wheel and said step by step: "Uninspired?."There are many places with good scenery on the road, you can stop at any time, embrace nature, and inspiration will come. ”
This girl goes on and on, and it makes me very irritable. "Parents urge marriage, long-distance relationship, and the family is facing breakdown before it is established. Mind me so much, mind yourself. ”
Qingqing replied seriously: "Mr. Song, don't worry, I'm different from you, I follow the plan." Every step is right, everything is right. ”
I sneered: "You have a good life, you have never suffered hardship, and you have not experienced despair. Destiny is fixed, plans come and go, does it work?Whatever fate is, it is, and there is no point in resisting. ”
Qingqing couldn't hide her disgust with me, and snorted, feeling that it was not polite enough. "Mr. Song, you are too extreme. ”
I don't care about her disgust, just as I don't care about her politeness, I just close my eyes and relax.
Qingqing was young after all, and began to fight back. "As it turned out, my life plan was basically going well. Mr. Song, there are some things that I don't like to hear, but if I say it, it may be helpful for your creation. ”
Stop. Qingqing was disobedient and forcibly pursued: "I have also seen a lot of talented men, some are diligent and strong, some are lazy and lazy, and hate one of them the most. ”
She said so earnestly that she couldn't tell if she was telling the truth or if she was simply humiliating me.
I said, "You don't know me at all, you don't know my experience, you don't explain, you name it." ”
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