A question that has sparked a crowd of nearly 40 million onlookers is: Why do many children in China not consider their parents' feelings?
After reading the comments one by one, people were surprised to find that all the answers were almost the same: my parents never considered my feelings, so why should they ask me to understand them?
Parents and children, who were supposed to be the closest, ended up being the most wronged party.
Parents work hard, but they don't get the respect of their children; Children work hard, but they don't get the understanding of their parents.
As a result, parents and children, who initially walked hand in hand, could only gradually distance themselves on the way forward.
What's the problem?
Considering the feelings of others is a learned ability. A big reason why children lack this ability is that their parents never consider their feelings.
As children, they fail to learn this ability from their parents, and when they grow up, they project this emotion onto their parents and are unable to understand their parents' emotional needs.
As mentioned in another question on Zhihu: Why do many parents not consider their children's feelings?
There is a concept in psychology called co-frequency resonance, which is that things of the same frequency resonate with each other or come together. Only when parents and children are on the same frequency can their relationship be the most harmonious and harmonious.
In parent-child relationships of different frequencies, they can't understand each other and don't communicate, and only cold loneliness remains.
1. Ignorance: I speak, but you can't hear.
Parents often ignore their children's words due to work and household chores and fail to respond to them in a timely manner. This neglect accumulates in the child's heart and becomes a scar.
Psychologist Dr. Jonice Webb calls this condition "emotional neglect" and refers to the harm caused by a parent's failure to give their child an adequate emotional response.
Although there are no sticks and no beatings, it cannot be seen or heard, and it will cause invisible damage.
This is illustrated by an award-winning French animated short film, The Scar Club, which tells the story of a group of children who have experienced violence and are covered in scars. Among them, a child asks his mother for help because he is ridiculed, but his mother treats him coldly, making him feel devoured and lonely.
2. Control: I want to do it, but you don't allow it.
Many children are manipulated by their parents in real life like expressionless, mindless puppets.
Paltris. Evans said in "Don't Control Me with Love": Some people are accustomed to imposing their will on others, but they are unconscious. When controlled, individuality is "obliterated".
Yin Jianli once wrote about her family in an article, and her parents controlled everything for her, which made her feel suffocated. While this control was done out of love, it turned into harm in the end.
3. Doting: I can do it, but you are not willing to do it.
Many parents prevent their children from doing things because they are overly worried about them getting hurt, which is common in real life.
Makarenko said: Giving everything to the child, even sacrificing one's own happiness, is the most terrible gift a parent can give to a child.
This kind of over-spoiling will make the child only know how to take but not how to give, and lack the ability to cope with problems and get along with others.
Children who do not have the same frequency as their parents are very hurt.
Psychologist Adler proposed the concept of "social interest", which believes that people who lack good family relationships will lack social interest and exhibit extreme behavior.
These children grow up with parental neglect, control, and doting, lacking the ability to understand and empathize with others.
The poignant story of a Zhihu netizen who cared about his mother's injury was treated with indifference, leaving him feeling helpless and disappointed.
Emotionally rich parents enable their children to learn emotional identity.
Luo Jinyue believes that being loved well is one of the most important things in life. Parents should keep the same frequency and resonance with their children, pay attention to their children's emotions, and let them learn to love and understand others.
Only when a good emotional connection is made can children learn to care and be considerate of others.