Today's sharing is the teacher's daily live broadcast notes, first of all, I would like to thank the little friend who sorted out the notes, stephanie.
Mingzhu: Today's topic is a bit narrow, but it's all derived from the same metacognitive approach to observation, and all of these results are derived from it, so you can listen a little bit more, even if you don't have a child or only have one child, there will be some benefit for us to look at other issues, including observing our own relationships with our siblings when we were young, including observing our relationships with our friends, including other relationships, and our relationships with our parents.
For me personally, the method I used hasn't changed since I chose this method many years ago. He can be observed from the perspective of the five major mindsets, as well as from the perspective of the parents' camp, and can also be reflected in all aspects of life.
Today's topic is the topic of the second child grabbing time. What should we do in this situation?
The first point: don't be a trophy, share your needs more.
If you have a second child in the family, you will basically encounter such a scene. The eldest also wants his mother to accompany him, and the second child also wants his mother to accompany him, and it is normal for us to face this kind of predicament; In the whole relationship, what is the most likely pitfall?
The parent-child relationship is a complex relationship because it is very mixed and not simple and clear. When the relationship between two people is a simple competitive relationship, a simple friend relationship, and a simple superior-subordinate relationship, we can solve it clearly and accurately after a little observation. But the parent-child relationship is very mixed, and a parent-child relationship contains many roles and needs, and they are all rubbed together, which can make our relationship difficult, and we feel that we are not doing anything right, and we are prone to pain.
First of all, we need to use metacognitive abilities to know what is going on in our brains and those of our children. Break the knots apart, and then we know how to deal with them. In the scene we are discussing now, two children grab a mother, what does the eldest and the second have to do with them? What is the relationship between them and their mother? There are two kinds of relationships, one is that the child needs the mother's love, the child needs the mother's comfort, the child depends on the mother, and needs the mother's attention, which is the first need;
What is the second need? Compete. Mommy is mine, not yours.
In life, when we encounter this situation, have we observed which of the child's hearts is stronger? Which drives him to cry? Drives him to express violently? Which one is stronger? Is it because of his love for his mother, or is it because he wants to snatch it from his brother? All of our methods must be preceded by metacognition, and they must be based on our real observations. The first thing is to observe what is going on.
The easiest pitfall for this problem is that mom or dad becomes the spoils of a battle between children. When this happens, the worst of the situation is the least beneficial to our education, parenting, and parent-child relationship. Whoever wins and who gets the spoils of war is not good for our upbringing.
What is the concept of two people fighting each other and treating the big living people as trophies? These two people have no relationship with their parents at all, their parents have become things, whoever wins gets the spoils, this is a very abnormal interpersonal relationship, and it is amazing that in the second-child relationship, we often see such results. We often see mothers turned into trophies, they fight, they get their mothers and what they want is not their mothers themselves, what they want is to win, and this thing has completely gone astray. So, let's never be a child's trophy.
So how do you do it as a booty for the wrong child? Booty things are common among kids. Sometimes a toy was left there without anyone playing with it for a month, and suddenly one day my brother touched it, and my brother started crying, like this toy was the most important thing in his life. They don't care about the toys themselves at all, they just care who wins between them. Their competitive relationship is the only relationship among the three of them, and at this time, the existence of the mother is the same as the relationship of the toy. This is a very harmful parent-child relationship.
By figuring out why it's harmful, we'll be able to figure out how not to make loot. Don't let your child treat his mother as an object. In many parent-child relationships, the mother does not enter the child's psychology as a real flesh-and-blood person. Mom is just a function. My mom would dress me and cook. The child does not treat his mother as a person, I want to play, my mother wants to play, I have needs, and my mother also has needs. The child is in his brain, does he have this awareness?
Improper children's booty is a problem in a single scenario, and it is more important not to treat the mother as an object in the child's heart. If it is a person, even when he has no function, he has his needs, his interests, and his life values.
If the main driving force for the child to want a mother is that they want to win and get the spoils of war, we have to be alert to whether the children are treating themselves as trophies, and the children do not feel that I also have my needs. A good piece of advice at this time is to pull yourself out. Well, I have a job that I haven't done, and I have clothes that I haven't washed ......Wait, don't promise any of them, people they realize, it turns out that mom also has her things, has her needs, has her feelings.
In life, we should share with our children what we have in our lives, sometimes children may not care, but we have to give children the awareness that I am also a flesh-and-blood person, and I also have my life that I care about and need to have my life.
That's the first point. It can be a hobby, a job, and a lot of things, but you must have your own life, something you really care about, and share this thing with your children. Moms have their own lives, they have their own ideas, moms have needs, they have time for entertainment, and they constantly make their children feel this.
There is more than one child in the family, they will have a sense of loss when they grab a toy, there is not only one child at home, they will have a sense of loss, but the mother is not an object, this point should be emphasized with the child, keep this pit, we can further share the next step of the skills. On this basis, we can establish a good link with the two children.
The second point: accompany the teacher, accompany alone, and convey uniqueness and love.
We try to get out of the situation where the child treats the mother as a trophy, so that the child knows that he has an independent life. When children quarrel with each other to win, there is no need for mothers to accommodate their children's needs at this time. For more than two children, it is very necessary for parents to do one thing, preferably every other week, or within two weeks, there must be one time to spend alone with each child, and it is completely in the position of the companion.
What is a Companion? To put it simply, during this period, the mother wants to pass on to the child is:
1.Completely understand the child, without evaluation, without the mother's own inner judgment of right and wrong, the desire to control, and the companionship carried out from the perspective of complete understanding, smoothness, and observation;
2.During this period, make your child feel special. This can only be passed on when two people are alone. To let your child know that you are willing to spend this time for him, 100% of your energy is poured into his mental state.
As a mother, you want to gain the trust of your child, and secondly, let your child really feel that he is special after a while, and I am willing to do it for you.
Most of the time, the mother spends a lot of time with the child, but the mother hardly has this time to make the child really feel that he is special, I love him, and this is the reason and basis for the distrustful parent-child relationship. If it is an only child, we will naturally send this message to the child, but for a family of two or three children, where does the feeling of being loved in each child's heart come from?
If not, he has been missing, and through struggle, the need for love has not been projected by a feeling of fulfillment. The more I feel in my heart about whether my mother's love for me is special, the more I doubt, the more I will rob it.
Therefore, in a family with two or three children, parents should give each child a separate time. It is not easy to be a companion, first of all, it is tired, and secondly, it is to improve yourself. For example, the child tells us that he is annoyed when he sees learning, but we start to judge, and this is not the role of the companion. Therefore, if we can accompany the companion from the perspective of the companion in daily life, the smoother the child's heart will be, and the healthier the parent-child relationship will be. The more the merrier, but at least set an alarm clock for yourself to remind your child that he is special in my heart and that he cannot be replaced.
I have to keep reminding that I recommend less than two weeks for this frequency. For example, take the child to play his favorite projects, or do some things at home that are not very complicated, listen to the child's heart in the process, support the child, and make some confessions to the child. It's like the feeling of a scumbag talking about a girlfriend at the same time. When a person talks about two or three girlfriends at the same time, he is cutting his time period and treating one person wholeheartedly.
Cut your own time and give this child very high-quality companionship during this period, then the rest of the time is not a big problem. So mothers don't take the quarrels between their children too seriously. There will always be people arguing in life, and it is important not to let the child feel that no one in the family understands me, understands me, and no one loves me. As long as this holds, the rest of the quarrel will not have a real impact on the child. The child feels that he is special, loved, and has his backing, and this feeling comes from the loneliness between the mother and the child, the transmission of love in solitude, and she listens to the child's psychological feelings.
Eventually, everyone will go down the path of metacognition, helping themselves on the one hand, and children on the other. Skills can be practiced slowly, and skills can be learned slowly. As long as we have this alarm clock in our brains, remind our children that I love him. With this alarm clock constantly, there will be no problems in the parent-child relationship. Maybe half an hour, an hour, let go of all your desires first, face the child from the perspective of a companion teacher, and it will not be difficult to practice slowly.
Author: Ming Chung.
Edit: Panpan of the little assistant eating sugar-free taro puree.
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