The workplace relationship is complex, how to advance and retreat freely?

I just joined a new workplace, how do you like me?

Feeling controlled, suppressed, PUA, how do I cope?

What should I do if I always play badly in a quarrel in the workplace and blame myself?

The workplace relationship is complex, how to advance and retreat freely?

Some time ago, we invited Mr. Xiong Taihang to the live broadcast room of Liu Run's Reading Club, and everyone called him "Master Xiong". He is a relationship insight, a counselor, and the author of best-selling books such as "Mastering Relationships: The Relationship Encyclopedia Everyone Needs" and "Strategies for Knowing People".

He has particularly deep insights and thoughts on how to penetrate the hearts of others in the workplace and how to deal with various relationship dilemmas.

Today, I also sorted out some of the stories, experiences, and methods he told in the live broadcast and in the book to share with you, hoping to bring you a little inspiration.

When I first arrived in a new environment, how do I get everyone to like me?

In accordance with international practice, we start with a small story.

The hero of the story is a young man. You can call him, Xiao Wang.

From the first day of employment, Xiao Wang felt that he was particularly aggrieved.

What's going on? It turned out that Xiao Wang came from a small town, and his parents were teachers, and he paid special attention to etiquette. Before joining the company, the parents at home specially instructed them to take the initiative to build a good relationship with their colleagues, so that everyone can like you as quickly as possible.

How do you get everyone to like me quickly? Pregnant. So, on the first day of arrival, Xiao Wang brought a large bag of souvenirs. There are hundreds of people in the company, he greets them one by one and distributes small gifts one by one.

Xiao Wang felt that he had done this very decently and politely.

But colleagues, it doesn't seem to be very useful. They are very reserved when they receive gifts. Most of them nodded their heads and said thank you.

It's also too perfunctory, too cold. Grievance. Why are they all so indifferent? Is it true that in the workplace, there are really many bad people and few good people?

Perhaps, things are not as simple as Xiao Wang sees. Try to change your perspective and look at what your colleagues think, and you'll see that this is not the case.

In the eyes of my colleagues, here's what happened: who knows, family. You're so busy hitting the back of your head with your heel that suddenly a strange young man comes and holds it, muttering something in his mouth, and you don't hear it clearly, and he sends you a bunch of things on his head and face.

When we first met, I didn't even know what his name was, what did I want to do with so many things? Doesn't he know anything and wants me to help him? I helped him, will he rely on me in the future? God, help me. I haven't completed my KPIs for the last quarter yet.

Master Xiong said that in the workplace, there is a particularly heart-piercing truth:

In a mature company, in a team that is moving up, good people are likely to have no time to deal with newcomers.

Soon, a "big brother" appeared next to Xiao Wang, who took special care of him.

Hey, let's go to dinner at noon, I know there is a restaurant, the food is fast, the taste is good, and it is not expensive, so I will take you to try it. Hey, let's go to the subway together after work, walk up two steps and chat.

Looks good, right? But after a while, the big brother's "fox tail" was revealed.

One day, the eldest brother had a sad face. Say Xiao Wang, you say, are we the best buddies? In this case, my brother has encountered something recently, your sister-in-law is sick, and the child's tutoring class has to pay money, can you lend me some money?

Xiao Wang felt that something was wrong: this, this, this, this money, do I borrow or not? Thinking about it, no, first of all, I don't have much money, and besides, you are an old workplace, why do you care about me borrowing it? Don't you go to your superiors, find a company, and find someone more powerful to borrow? Do not borrow.

It doesn't matter at this moment, the "big brother" immediately changed his face. Okay, I'm sorry for taking care of you so much! The critical moment has come, and you can't be relied on at all!

Later, the eldest brother left. Later, Xiao Wang learned from a chance chat that this big brother gambled. Borrowing money is almost a bottomless pit. Many people around him have already borrowed money from him. is so close to Xiao Wang, also because other people can't borrow money anymore.

What's going on! Xiao Wang was stunned for a long time and said:It turns out that the workplace is not only cheating, but also absconding with money.

So, when you're just joining a new workplace environmentThe so-called "good people" and "bad people" can never be distinguished by coldness or enthusiasm.

The people who are particularly enthusiastic about you are most likely those who are not saturated with their workload, or who can no longer find a partner in the company, or simply a relation.

And a lot of people who seem to be cold are better work partners. Beneath the cold exterior of these people, there may be a scarred and well-hearted heart.

It's hard to tell. So, what do you do if you want to settle into a new environment? Master Xiong said:

First of all, you still have to do the work tasks that need to be done first. Sit in your seat first and show your strength.

Therefore, at the beginning, do a good job and complete the tasks assigned by the superiors. As for communication, there is no need to be in such a hurry.

Let's take an extreme example. There is a scene in the movie "Fury" starring Brad Pitt that when a tank recruit joins a new team, the veteran may not shake his hand or listen to him introduce himself.

Why? Because I don't even know if you'll survive this battle. Now that we have shaken hands, we know each other's names, and we have a friendship, and after this battle, you are gone, and I have to cry a few times. It's better not to bother with this, and when you survive, let's take our time.

Secondly, gradually show your work ability, and after being competent, you can get along slowly, so that people continue to feel that you are "able to handle".

What should I do if I am PUA?

On social **, if you search for "workplace", then another highly related word is likely to appear on your screen.

The word is "PUA".

What is PUA? The original meaning of PUA is to pick up an artist. But today, in the Chinese context, PUA obviously has more meaning: it refers to the use of suppression, denial of personal value, etc., to exercise mental control over the other party.

In the workplace, saying that you are PUA is most likely to mean that you are belittled and ridiculed, which makes you embarrassed and embarrassed, doubts your own value, and gives up the benefits you deserve.

What does it feel like to be "PUA" in the workplace?

At two o'clock in the middle of the night, a call**. Why doesn't your PPT color match the theme well? Changed. Why didn't I use the font I asked for last week? Also changed.

I was having dinner with friends, it was lively, there was talk and laughter, and a message. There is a problem with your excel header. Changed. Send me after the change. In addition, control the number of words in the document, don't let one or two words become a separate line, isn't it uncomfortable to look at?

You feel like a flying insect in a glass. I can't straighten my waist, I can't breathe.

I changed into new clothes and came to work happily. As a result, he glanced at it and opened his mouth to say, "Why are you fat again?" "This dress is new?" I don't think it's good-looking, it looks like your legs are very short. ”

was discussing where to travel during the holidays, and he said, "I want to go out every day, have you found the object?" "I see you're getting older, no one wants you, be careful of being taken as a joke!" ”

I was in a good mood, but after listening to a few words, it was more uncomfortable than falling into an ice cave. The mood of the day was ruined.

What should I do when this happens? Master Xiong said that this matter should be discussed in a classified manner.

If the detractor is trying to control you, and he happens to be your superior, don't talk nonsense and run.

But if the detractor is for the purpose of revealing himself, this problem can be quite solved.

How to solve it? First of all, you have to understand why some people want to belittle the people around them to show that they are good.

Because their self-esteem level is not high enough, but they want to crush everyone. This has to be achieved by belittling other people.

So, they like to see you annoyed and angry, and they like to see you smacked. And the reason for this need is often related to their growth environment: their parents are likely to believe in the dogma of "belittling their children to become talents".

All right. Now that we know the inner reasons why they belittle others, what do I do about it?

Master Xiong gave three suggestions.

First of all, a word. It's called "I don't think so". No matter what the other party says, whether it is fat, ugly, poor, or unable to get a wife, or unable to find a husband, you can use such a sentence to put a brake on his mouth. I don't think so. In short, no matter what, don't let your emotions get stirred.

Then, there is the second sentence, which is called expressing disgust. Express your feelings clearly, don't be afraid that the field will cool down, it's not your problem. Let the pressure of the cold field come to the other party. It's him, who talked to death.

Finally, there is the transfer of contradictions. Since the detractor will belittle everyone indiscriminately, then find a character he can't afford to mess with, and ask him if he dares to belittle. Hey, I said that you don't like this TV series, and you have to say that people who watch this TV series have bad taste. But I heard the leader say it yesterday, and he liked it very much. Come over later, can you tell me your theory again?

Got it. It turns out that people who are sarcastic and belittle themselves can still do this and learn. However, in the workplace, there are also many people who are not belittled and sarcastic in person, but "secretly poked" to influence you.

For example, the famous saying: "I am for your good".

What should I do when I meet "I am for your good"?

At the beginning, it's always the same: "I'm for your good". But the requirements that followed began to be varied.

If you follow this project well, you will be able to take charge of it on your own in the future; During this period, the more busy you are, the more you exercise your ability; This time, you will give priority to the evaluation and give the team more room to mediate......

See what's not coming from? In the second half of the sentence, you always have to make some sacrifices. It could be interests, it could be personal time, space.

You can't help but ask: Why? But the other party refused to say it explicitly, vaguely, and dealt with it with the past. And when you directly reject this "for your good" suggestion, the other party shows a displeased look: I really don't know how to lift! Just do it, don't ask.

At such times, your heart should be like a mirrorOh. Maybe he's not doing it for you, he's doing it for himself.

He has ill intentions, hoping to gain benefits from you, but he wants to kidnap you with his original intention and emotions.

So, what should I do if I meet this "kidnapper" who is "good for you"?

Master Xiong said, first of all, you have to sincerely thank you. Thank you so much for your advice, your guidance has benefited me a lot, I must think carefully, ponder well, experience carefully, watch and learn hard. Highlight a soft and harmless one, dare to provoke me, you can be regarded as kicking cotton.

But then, you have to take a stand. Hey, I thought about it and wanted to try again. I thought about it seriously, but I still couldn't take the job because my previous job was already saturated. I still don't want to give up this opportunity, because I've been working hard for a long, long time for today.

As soon as these words came out, most of the other party's faces froze. So, you have to make up for it as soon as possible. Sweet words rolled out, smoothing the wrinkles of the other party's heart: I really learned too much from you today. Your suggestion has made many of the problems that have bothered me before suddenly clear. I'll have to learn more from you in the future!

However, if the other party is a direct superior, this "for your good" is basically an order, and he is already determined to sacrifice your interests. What should I do?

Master Xiong said that at this time, the first three steps are still the same, but there is a fourth step:Drive a hard bargain. I can take this on, but I may not have so much energy to take care of the existing work, so you have to loosen the burden on me. This is an opportunity I can pass up, but next quarter, there is another opportunity that I want to attend.

Remember, when you reject a "for your good" suggestion, remember:Be sure to do a good job in itself. Prove you right.

Finally, in the end, if you really try all the methods, and it still doesn't work, then I will send you an ultimate mental method:Always retain the ability to leave.

Don't care how things go, it's a big deal for me to go. In the end, work is only a small part of our lives, and there is no need to forget most of our happiness for the sake of this small part.

In the workplace, there are a lot of regret moments.

For example, when I was debriefing, I didn't say what I did well. Another example is that I didn't play well when I was arguing.

What is it like to not play well when you are arguing?

Xiao Wang was very depressed today. Because, there is a colleague who is not familiar with him, but when Xiao Wang put forward the plan that he worked hard for three days, this colleague kept questioning, listing various special situations in detail, and asking "what should you do".

Oh, my God. This is a preliminary plan, which is used to set the direction, where can there be so many details. What's more, the details you mentioned are all "special circumstances", how many events will it take to make up for these various special circumstances?

Xiao Wang couldn't hold back and argued a few words. As a result, this colleague came to say:I really doubt your professionalism and lack of a basic attitude towards doing things.

Angry. These words really made Xiao Wang angry. I'm busy working day and night, and I'm about to have a problem with my body, so you're questioning my bad attitude? No, I'll have to slap you up.

However, when the words came to his mouth, he couldn't say it, and people were also confused, and he was half a beat slower. I didn't catch up with this slowness, and the superiors have already begun to come out to play the round.

At night, Xiao Wang tossed and turned and couldn't sleep. Special self-blame. Why can't you play well when you quarrel? It has been like this since childhood, and it is still like this.

What to do? Is there a trick for me to "get ahead" in a fight?

I'm sorry, but this kind of immediate trick may not really be available. Many of my classmates, who have been good students since childhood, and whose tutors are also very good, have little experience in dealing with conflicts. So, when you encounter those old fritters in the workplace who are full of crooked reasoning, if you want to be positive, there is no chance of winning.

So what to do? Master Xiong said:

In this case, you can choose to sit down and make noise, not necessarily stand up. Also, you can invite him to sit down: Well, do you want to sit down first? I'll pour you a glass of water. I know you're a little out of control, but I don't quite understand why. Can you tell me about it?

Why?

Because in the face of a person who outputs quickly, you have lost the first opportunity. If you put on the output against him again, there is a high probability that you will lose badly.

Therefore, you have to restrain your emotions first, wait for him to output about the same, and then regain the initiative.

And then what? Then, you have to start talking about specific things. You said that my proposal did not take into account the details, but now it is in the early stage of discussing feasibility, and I think these details can be left for the next step to consider. Next, let's look at what are the acceptable consequences if something goes wrong? What must you not be able to afford?

Use a slower pace of speech to make your meaning clear word by word. Master the rhythm and pull the other person back into the details.

However, if the other party may just want to find my fault, is it useful for me to break these things with him?

Useful. Because in the office, if someone argues, it will definitely become the focus of the whole world, and everyone will listen to what you have to say, consciously or unconsciously.

If at this time, you can restrain your emotions, unload the other party's emotions, and start to talk about things, then in the eyes of many people, you are likely to be a person with a strong mind and know how to grasp the key points.

At this time, you have successfully performed an excellent self-management in front of all your colleagues, demonstrating excellent professionalism.

However, these are all quarrels between peers or between different departments.

What if the person I am fighting with is my superior?

My superiors always like to get angry at me and scold me very badly, what can I do?

Let's invite Xiao Wang out again. After working for a few years, Xiao Wang finally became a supervisor. This is a record-breaking situation in a company, and there are very few directors who are so young. It's really a spring breeze. But recently, Xiao Wang felt that he had encountered a big difficulty at work.

What's going on? It turned out that when I had a morning meeting recently, my superiors didn't know what was wrong, and they always took Xiao Wang out and scolded the dog's bloody head. This can make Xiao Wang worried, especially painful, it's really not good, you can call me a hut to train! My team members are all watching! After losing face, how can you manage people?

So, Xiao Wang confided in a friend. My friend asked, is it a promotion, a little floating? Not doing a good job?

Xiao Wang thought about it and said that it would not be okay, there was an activity that was really not good recently, and we had an input-output ratio, and we couldn't see the loss. Recently, the leader has always grasped me this point and said me with a face. Hurry up and give me advice, is there any good way?

Wait, how do you behave when he scolds you?

Xiao Wang looked helpless and said How do I behave? How can you behave when you are scolded? I lowered my head and acted in shame. Since I was a child, my teachers have taught me, my parents have trained me, and I have done this.

My friend was happy, and said so, you try my trick.

The next time you get scolded, take a small notebook and take notes there. When your superiors scold you, you can't just talk about it and make personal attacks, right? You write down all his requirements, and then after he finishes scolding, you say leader, first of all, I do have a mistake in my work, and then, just now you put forward four requirements, 1234, and then emphasize it to your team members present, so that everyone can implement it well.

Ay? Sounds like a good idea. Xiao Wang silently remembered it in his heart.

A few days later, when his superiors were picking on thorns again, Xiao Wang realized that the opportunity to practice had come. So, he spread out the small notebook and memorized it carefully for a long time.

Sure enough, the duration of the superior's scolding this time was significantly shortened. And of course. When you see that your words are recorded, of course, you have to think a little about the effect of your words, and you are not embarrassed to say too badly.

Then, Xiao Wang stood up, first admitted his mistake very sincerely, and then 1234 summed up the request of the superior just now, and asked his team members to strictly implement it very seriously, the expression of the superior was obviously softened a lot: Young man, your attitude is okay.

After that, Xiao Wang really escaped from this strange circle of "the more the superiors scolded him, the more angry he became".

Master Xiong said that when your superiors always can't help but get angry, don't take it too seriously. Because it's probably because he didn't get it done, he was angry.

Admit it first, don't argue too much. When the situation has eased, you distinguish between the part where your superior's emotions are vented and the part where he makes demands, and keep in mind his requests and arrangements.

But there is another situation that you should pay special attention to. That is:The superior is not actually aimed at this, he is prejudiced against you as a person. This situation is very tricky. Because once a superior has a prejudice against you as a person, he will be critical of you in all kinds.

So what to do at this time? We should change the policy altogether:At the outset, you should distinguish clearly and clear yourself before prejudices form. Because of this kind of superior, it is easy to "settle accounts after the autumn".

But I have to say that when you meet a superior who likes to target people and is easy to form prejudices against people, once you are classified as a "person you don't like" by him, it will be difficult to turn the situation around. Most of the time, it is difficult for the subordinates to turn the situation around, and they have to leave in disgrace.

Thank you Mr. Xiong Taixing, Master Xiong for sharing.

Master Xiong said that the workplace is a long-distance run. It's not 100 meters a day, it's a marathon from 20 to 60 years old.

So, you don't have to feel sorry for saying the wrong thing in the workplace and not doing a good job. There is no right answer.

It may not be smooth for a while, the industry may go downhill, or the macro environment may also fluctuate, you can try to learn something, or take the opportunity to relax and adjust your state.

After all, it's not all your fault.

Oh, yes. Many times, we have been criticizing ourselves, thinking over and over again, and what details have not been handled well, very internal friction, very anxious.

Actually, you don't have to.

You still have a long way to go, too much to see, and too many people to meet.

I wish you no more internal friction and no more anxiety.

I wish you a happy run in the marathon of "workplace".

The article is the independent view of the guests and is for reference only.