This generation of young people chooses to raise themselves as daughters all over again, and re-parenting here is not the same as self-indulgence, but revisiting childhood trauma and giving themselves a proper response.
What is even more gratifying is that the children who were suppressed and educated when they were children have become parents, and they have decided not to let the violence continue from generation to generation. Let the pain of the suppression of education end in our generation.
Pain, to the end of this generation
The way this generation of parents raise their children seems to be really different.
Not long ago, a paragraph titled "When I was a child, the group of people who were suppressed in education became parents", was wildly liked**.
Several emotionally stable and mentally healthy parents in the film have poked the tears of many East Asian children.
Because those scenes are extremely familiar, and those words are rarely heard.
For example, the first midterm exam for a girl in junior high school did not do well.
But when she came home nervous, what she got was not a reprimand, but a plate of desserts that her mother brought out.
Source: Douyin @ Xin's mother of three children
When her mother asked her if she was happy, she said "happy" with red eyes and couldn't help wiping her tears with her hands.
Source: Douyin @ Xin's mother of three children
The comment section is all saying:Many of the parents of this generation are in their own childhood.
That's true.
There is also a two-year-old girl who is not very stable when she walks, so she has to help her mother pack the lunch box intimately.
Source: Douyin @小方格Mom.
Accidentally, the lunch box fell, and the food was scattered on the ground.
The mother came over and saw that there was no anger, no irritability, just hugged her frightened and aggrieved daughter in her arms and asked:
You weren't careful, were you? Then you should be careful next time, okay? ”
Source: Douban
Seeing this picture, many people who were blamed by their parents for overturning their jobs when they were young thought they were watching fairy tales.
* There is also an agitated dad who unconditionally supports his daughter.
He said to his daughter over and over again, "You must do what you love."
"You are important, you like it is important, you always have to put yourself first. ”
Source: Douyin @ Ling (result-oriented version).
In his eyes, as long as his daughter likes it, even if she becomes a waiter in the future, she can only earn two or three thousand yuan a month, and he fully supports it.
Therefore, even if his daughter's grades are not so good now, he only tells her one thing:
Be sure to do what you love, being happy is the most important thing, your life has just begun.
Source: Douyin @ Ling (result-oriented version).
Some netizens said that this father gives people a "feeling of a stray cat watching a domestic cat".
may be because he has suffered so much that he is determined to give his daughter unconditional love and support.
A few days ago, I saw a little boy slipping his hand and knocking over his mother's painstaking Chinese New Year's Eve dinner for an afternoon.
Source: Douyin @yc Chang.
It's just that this big family came in a hurry, and when they saw the food all over the ground, their first reaction was not to be angry, but to see which dish could be saved.
In the end, this Chinese New Year's Eve dinner, which had not yet moved, became a fragmented peace of "respecting God and God eating first".
Source: Douyin @yc Chang.
And the 5-year-old girl who was on a plane alone and lost her iPad.
In her mother's eyes, compared to the lost iPad, she felt more sorry for her daughter, who couldn't watch cartoons and spent more than three hours alone.
In addition to being distressed, she did not forget to praise her daughter for being brave and calm.
Source: Little Red Book.
Some passers-by said that this "fairy tale" was uncomfortable to watch.
After all, for many people, losing their iPad is a big sin in the eyes of their parents, not to mention any brave compliments and distressing words.
Source: Little Red Book.
At a time when "relaxed parenting" is in vogue, we have seen a change in the profile of a new generation of parents.
To this day, we will still be impressed by the unconditional love and uncritical tolerance in these new parent-child relationships.
The pain seems to be over in this generation.
Once upon a time, how we grew up
We are new to the new style of parents.
In contrast, the deep imprint left by most people's growth is more about repressive education.
GQ has previously interviewed Chinese talk show actress Liang Jiaoying, and she has a lot of common growth experience for East Asian children.
Since she was a child, she was suppressed by her mother and grew up.
In her mother's eyes, she has never been a beautiful "little black girl" or "clown girl", and her thick lips are like "pig arch mouth".
Source: Weibo @jiaoyingsummers
The natural "shortcomings" in the body are magnified by the mother.
The excellence she worked hard to get the day after tomorrow did not escape the suppression of her mother.
Liang Jiaoying won the first place in the exam, but she never got affirmation, because her mother felt that she was "a good piece of iron, and if she wants to become steel, she must keep squeezing and filtering out those impurities", and she can't do it if she doesn't suppress it.
Even if the mother knew that her daughter hated her, she insisted on it.
She always said to her daughter the words "for your own good" that many parents have said: one day you will understand.
Source: GQ report.
This cruel and suffocating love seems to be a template for many parents around you and me to express their love.
We come from different families, but we have felt the same kind of painful, intense and inextricable family affection.
Her sister had seen a little boy spilling watermelon juice on the dinner table.
The moment the red watermelon juice spilled on the table, the little boy first looked up at his father, who was busy getting tissues and didn't blame him.
He looked up at his mother again, and she said, "It's okay."
At that moment, the little boy wiped his eyes and said to his mother that he wanted to cry.
Source: Douyin @安Muxi is growing up.
And my mother knows how suffocating the preaching at the dinner table is.
All she can do now is to keep her children from tasting bibimbap.
Source: Douyin @安Muxi is growing up.
Tears bibimbap is estimated to be the childhood of many people.
Because there is always a sudden "concern" from parents at the dinner table, asking about grades, talking about the latest situation, and establishing rules.
It's not easy to finish a meal with a smile.
As mentioned earlier, a bowl that is accidentally broken or a kettle that is overturned can be a shadow of childhood
If you can't do such a trivial thing, what else can you do? ”
Source: Weibo
There are also those that are widely known as hardship education.
Children have not yet suffered, but they also have to experience artificially created suffering, because "I can't bear this hardship now, what will I do in society in the future".
Source: Zhihu.
More commonly, there is also the "meritocracy" that if you don't have a high test score, you are useless.
Later, it was the "salary-only theory" that "all the books were in vain" if the income was not high.
Not to mention, there's also the ubiquitous discipline of girls
You can't be too flamboyant, you can't be unladylike, you can't be unlikeable.
The so-called education of that generation seems to be synonymous with suppression, belittlement, and disappointment, so that kinship continues to suffer, relationships are love-hate, and breaking free and reconciling are essential lessons for parents and children that are similar to reincarnation.
And now, whether it is "parents with a sense of relaxation" or "people with repressive education as parents", it means cutting off the blade of reincarnation.
This suffering does not have to be continued in the next generation.
Nurture yourself again
The violence ends with me
It is undeniable that many friends are still experiencing violence from the previous generation, and returning home for the Chinese New Year may be another disaster.
Ninety-nine eighty-one difficulties have their own unspeakable, such as being forced to attend countless "urging marriage and giving birth to neighborhood committees", some are "acquaintances in the society to get ahead", and there are also "disappointing parents' party", "greasy wine table art troupe", "hardship education rules", "patriarchal light ** morality"...
I know that in some backward areas, there is still a bad habit of my daughter being driven out when she returns to her parents' house for the Chinese New Year.
Source: Sina Weibo
brushed up to an out of the circle**, it turns out that there is still a feudal saying that "a woman goes back to her parents' house to live in a room with her husband", and the parents are still maintaining such a so-called custom, and they are still hurting their children.
Source: Douyin
We need to acknowledge that family trauma is not an imaginary word, but a violence that is real in the DNA of the culture.
Anita Vangelisti, a professor of communication at the University of Texas, saidCompared to the harm caused by friends and lovers, the trauma of the family of origin can feel more painful.
There are three reasons for this: first, our cultural belief that our family will support us unconditionally, and the betrayal of this belief is enough to break people's minds;
Second, the boundary with family members is often more difficult to establish, and a simple sting can also turn into a sharp blade that hurts people for a long time;
Then we have emotional and financial interdependence with family members, and the damage of such dependence breaking in an instant makes us even more painful.
When we grow up, we may have forgotten the pain of childhood, but those experiences have quietly shaped the character traits we have now.
The little boy cried because he forgot to bring his yellow hat
Let many people see themselves as children
Some superpowers-like personalities may actually stem from traumatic experiences in the process of growing up.
For example, if you suddenly withdraw after an emotional breakdown, you may be denied and painful by the outside world since childhood, so you have learned the shielding mechanism of denying your own emotions;
There is also a keen sense of observation, hearing, and a highly sensitive physique, which may have been developed by the young body in a state of stress for a long time;
and the skills of forgetfulness and even amnesia in response to painful emotions, which may be the brain's self-protection mechanism at work.
Source: Douyin
Psychologist Carl Jung proposed the concept of "inner child", which refers to a psychological entity that exists in people's hearts from early childhood experiences, a collection of imprints of a person's childhood trauma, which develops some superpowers to "keep themselves alive" and protect themselves from harm at the necessary moments.
These superpowers are all proving that you are a strong, brave child who is desperately trying to protect yourself and survive.
However, the trauma does not disappear in a vacuum, and there will come a time when we realize that the "inner child" is still present in us.
There is a birthday wish*** said very well:
What they don't tell you about birthdays is that when you get a year older, you still have the same age as before, and you are all the combination of your past at this time.
Let's say you've just turned 28, but you're still 27, 26, 23, 19, 11, 7, 1.
One day you may say something stupid, this is your 19-year-old self in the body;
Sometimes you may not believe in yourself, this is the 23-year-old self in the body;
Sometimes I cry like a baby for no reason, and this is my 1-year-old self in my body.
We grow up like an onion, the new year wraps the old one, and our birthday is a celebration of how many years we've been through and welcoming the new year.
In fact, this is saying that we do not need to abandon our past selves, deny our immature selves, or even criticize ourselves in the process of growing up, but realize that the life process is a whole existence, and accept the more complex selves.
In the book "The Body Never Forgets", the psychologist Vandelcock proposes a concept:"Dual system of consciousness".
Neuroscience research has found that our selves have two kinds of consciousness that are responsible for two completely different kinds of work:
A system of consciousness is responsible for telling a narrative to the public, which is direct, clear, and organized, like an autobiography that is easily understood by most people; The other system of consciousness functions based on our physiological feelings, which is responsible for recording our real experiences, which is more jumpy, more complex, takes on more details, and points to more instinctive emotions.
The Body Never Forgets
Many traumatic experiences, stressful moments, and seemingly irrational emotional moments are actually instinctive reactions of the body. To allow such a self to exist, and to deny it is tantamount to abusing one's own self as a child.
Our generation is learning to heal our childhood wounds, just like what is written in "Out of the Trauma of the Original Family", it is not their fault that they are hurt, but it is their own life's homework to recover themselves.
Of course, being aware of the pain and no longer denying yourself is the first step, and another very important way to do this isExpressing traumatic experiences and feelings is known as "traumatic disclosure".
Out of the Trauma of the Family of Origin".
This expression can be narration in a safe space or in the form of writing; Content can be about objective facts, as well as subjective and private expressions of emotions, in contrast, the expression of emotions is more helpful for us to get out of negative emotions**.
It's like there's the second half of our story with the "inner child": realize that now that we've grown up, the superpowers that once protected us from harm aren't as helpful anymore, and it's time to learn to turn it off.
Source: Internet
Today's young people don't want to be overly entangled in asking their parents for an apology, but are desperate to get out of the shadow of their original family.
In addition to reconciliation, we also have a more proactive way to help ourselves, that is, "re-raising ourselves", which was constantly on the hot search last year.
Treat yourself when she was a child, no longer emotionally hit herself, choose not to be coerced by all kinds of anxiety, and raise herself as a daughter again, "My daughter just needs to be happy and do what she wants to do and spend every day freely, she is worth it."
Li Xiang looked at his daughter's eyes
Re-parenting here is not the same as self-indulgence, but rather revisiting childhood trauma and re-giving oneself an appropriate response.
There is also a more positive self-reinvention, and that is that generational trauma can end in our generation.
Source: Internet
So there is "people who were suppressed and educated back then became parents" in **, they are stronger, warmer, and are learning non-violent communication and empathizing with their own situation back then.
Fei Xiaotong pointed out in the book "Fertility System" that children carry their parents' desire to be reborn "again" to a certain extent.
In this case, we choose not to abuse ourselves, and let our next generation, let our daughters grow flesh and blood in love, and grow themselves.
Such a future is more full of expectations, not only to reunite with the childhood self, but also to embark on a new journey of life that I did not embark on when I was a child, and the infinite possibilities of tomorrow, we work together.