You don t have a good relationship with your children, and all education is in vain

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The starting point of a relationship is to meet a need.

Parents should give their children more understanding and respect, and have a good parent-child relationship with their children, which will produce a good education and then help children improve their personality.

Author |Potato Mom

At 1 o'clock in the middle of the night, a friend complained in a circle:This kid really can't take it!

A friend said that she worked tirelessly for her son every day, and thought that when her son was older, he should be sensible.

But as a result, it's better to worry about it when you were a child!

You say 1 sentence, he wants to top 10 sentences, what you want him to do, he wants to do it.

The mother and son face each other-for-tat every day, like enemies, and they don't like each other.

She couldn't understand it, she obviously gave everything she had and endured hardships for her children, and she usually attached great importance to her children's education, why did her children refuse to listen to herself?

In fact, many parents have such troubles:

The older the child gets, the more problems there are, and it is especially difficult to educate.

Whether it's a hard fight, a tantrum, or reasoning with the child, all kinds of methods and techniques have been tried, but the child just doesn't obey.

Why is that?

A deputy director of Tongji Hospital, after receiving many "problematic" children, expressed such feelings:

"Whether it's a child's behavior problems or emotional problems, a lot of them are relationship problems. ”

Once, a parent wiped tears from her eyes and counted her child's crimes.

In online classes at home, the teacher is taking roll call, and my son is sleeping on the table.

After a little scolding, the son began to slam the door, lose his temper, and beat people in a hurry.

But when the doctor turned to the boy and asked him what he thought of his parents, he replied "no merit."

When they left the consultation room, both the mother and son had cold faces, and the boy deliberately kept a distance of one meter from his mother, without any communication and interaction.

His mother reminded him to eat some bread, but the boy yelled at her, "I'm going to starve to death today!" ”

There is also a boy who is distracted and distracted in class, and it is also grinding and grinding when he goes home to write his homework.

The parents thought that their son must be sick, and that "ADHD" might be causing these problems, so they anxiously brought their son to the hospital.

After on-site questioning and evaluation, the doctor ruled out a physiological cause.

The boy's abnormality is actually a kind of passive resistance.

Because his parents wanted to send him to what they thought was a better elementary school, but the son was unwilling, but he couldn't resist.

After the conflict broke out, the son could only "put it bad" in behavior.

Many parents are always accustomed to putting problems and responsibilities on their children, complaining that their children are disobedient, temperamental, and too difficult to manage, but often ignore the importance of parent-child relationship.

There is such a true story in the documentary "Guarding the Liberation West".

At 5 a.m., a 16-year-old boy kept kicking at the elevator in the neighborhood.

When the property was found in the surveillance, the elevator door had been damaged, so they hurriedly called the police.

It turned out that the boy had found several hotels that day to open a room, but they were all rejected because he was a minor.

He was so angry that he could only vent in the elevator.

The police contacted the boy's mother, but after the mother received the **, she didn't care about her son at all, but just scolded.

The boy shouted hoarsely, "Say I'm not sensible, have you ever taken care of me since I was a child?" ”

Hearing the child's cry on the other end, the boy's mother hung up directly.

The boy who had just been unruly suddenly couldn't cry, and he began to cry to the police about his grievances over the years:

It turned out that his parents divorced as early as elementary school.

Neither his father nor his mother wanted him and threw him to his elderly grandparents. So all these years, he has been hating his parents in his heart.

In fact, behind every "bad child", there is a sick relationship.

Either a broken family relationship or a collapsed parent-child relationship.

What parents need to do is not to rush to correct their children's behavior problems, but to repair the relationship first.

Wang Lining, a family education expert, once talked about his parenting experience.

When her daughter was a child, in order to give her children a better educational environment, she had been working hard outside.

But her daughter's grades have been unsatisfactory, and it was even worse in junior high school, and the three subjects other than language and mathematics added up to 100 points.

She was furious and said viciously to her daughter: "If you do this again, you will not be my daughter, you can get out of here!" ”

Not to be outdone, the daughter was not to be outdone: "I wanted to leave a long time ago, I was annoyed when I saw you, do you have to wait until today?" At 11 o'clock that night, my daughter slammed the door and left.

Wang Lining panicked all of a sudden, caught up with his daughter and wanted to take her home, but her daughter refused to live or die.

also yelled at her: "I don't want this home for a long time, I don't want you as a mother for a long time!" ”

In some tugging, she fainted directly to the ground because she was too emotional.

But the daughter walked over her indifferently, and then walked away without looking back.

At that moment, her heart was broken. The child who was raised by his own hands didn't care about her so much.

The impact of this pain made her begin to reflect, and she locked herself in her room, almost turning white overnight.

A week later, when she opened the door of her daughter's bedroom again, she was no longer as tall and self-righteous as she had been, because she had been defeated.

When her daughter saw her like this, she asked her very softly for the first time: "Mom, what's wrong with you?" ”

She squatted in front of her daughter and sincerely apologized to her daughter for the mistakes she made in the process of education.

The daughter completely opened her heart, and the two talked for 4 hours. She listened to her daughter's stress, thoughts, and expectations for her mother.

For the first time, she also told her daughter with certainty: "Mommy loves you very much, but the way she loves you is wrong." ”

For the next year, she stopped all her work and focused on spending time with her daughter.

She changed the way she got along with her daughter, no longer scolded her harshly, and no longer made all kinds of demands on her daughter.

When the antagonism, entanglement, and hatred between her and her daughter slowly resolved, and the mother-son relationship became closer, the daughter naturally became obedient and motivated.

Her experience illustrates thatRelationships are the foundation of upbringing.

The parent-child relationship is like a pipe between you and your child, when the pipe is blocked or broken, no matter how much you say and do, it will be in vain.

As psychologist He Lingfeng once said:

"If you can have a normal relationship with your child, you will have influence on him; If you can't have a normal relationship with him, you won't be influential. ”

The book Positive Discipline says that before correcting a child's behavior, it is necessary to win the child's heart.

"Win the child's heart" refers to establishing a good parent-child relationship.

If you want to have a high-quality parent-child relationship, parents can work on 3 aspects:

Spend more time with each other and accumulate "emotional capital".

Professor Chu Yin once complained in ** that he got up every morning like a war, because he had to send two babies to school one after another.

Some people ask, why not let the children go to school on their own, wouldn't it be a lot easier?

But he said that although it is a little hard and tiring now, the intimate relationship accumulated by this bit of companionship is the "family foundation" for us to educate our children in the future.

Especially when the child enters the rebellious period, he can have enough power to you off to death.

But every time I think about the companionship and dedication of parents from childhood to adulthood, children will be a little unbearable.

These intolerables are the key to your child's willingness to continue to communicate with you and listen to your teachings.

If you want a warm parent-child relationship, you must care for and accompany your child from an early age, express love and care with your child more, establish a close attachment relationship, and accumulate enough "emotional capital".

Blame less and communicate on an equal footing

There was a little girl who cried that she had lived tremblingly at home since she was a child

If I accidentally dropped a piece of meat during a meal, my mother would accuse me of wasting food; When I spilled a carton of milk, my mother would say that I couldn't do anything;

When I fell while walking, she could scold me all day, and she always took it out afterwards.

In fact, every accusation and complaint from parents is to consume the relationship with their children.

After a long time, the child will either get annoyed and fight with you and do something impulsive and out of line.

Or simply shut up, becoming more and more distant and indifferent from each other, and even have nothing to say in the end.

The wrong way of communication will only cause a high wall to be erected between parents and children.

In the parent-child relationship, emotional acceptance and understanding are more important than reasoning and right and wrong.

Learn to speak well, maintain equal communication, affirm more and blame less, listen more and nag less, use more facts and less emotions, and the relationship between you and your child will be as close as ever.

Don't cross the line, give enough "psychological space".

Upstairs there was a boy in the neighbor's house who ran away from home after falling out with his parents a few days ago.

The parents had no choice but to call the police for help, but when the police found the boy, he refused to see his parents and refused to return home.

He said that it was not called a home at all, it was almost like going to prison, there was no privacy, and he had to escape.

It turned out that in order to control his every move, his parents did not allow him to lock the door and installed a camera in the room.

even secretly linked his social software privately to check his chats, and it was because the boy found out about this that he had a big fight with his parents that day.

Many times, the deterioration of the relationship between parents and children begins with crossing the line.

The child's rebellious and unpersuaded behavior is just to maintain his own psychological space and want to fight for the right to make decisions for himself.

Grasp the proportions and boundaries, know how to respect and let go, parents and children can get along for a long time and nourish each other.

There was such a picture on the Internet, and many parents were half cold after reading it.

The psychological conditions of more than 3,000 middle school students were sampled in Beijing, including the "attitude towards parents".

More than half of the children chose to "extremely dislike or hate their parents", while less than 5% of the children liked their parents.

If a child hates and hates someone, he will not be willing to be influenced and taught by him.

There's an old sayingA relationship between one and two is worth a ton of education.

A good parent-child relationship is the basis for dialogue between parents and children.

If the relationship is not good, your education will not only be ineffective, but will even make the child rebel, which will eventually lead to a family tragedy.

When a child has a problem, it reminds us to reflect and change, and we encourage all parents.